Dead Earth: The Exodus

I don't know why people bother to publish stories in parts. You really should write the whole thing for me to give you a higher rating. If it were finished I would give you most likely a 4 or 5, depending on effort. I gave this a 3/8 because it wasn't finished and could be better.

Not bad at all, as people said space out dialogue and please avoid right or left choices that randomly punish a person. When I was a younger Will11 I used to work on building sites and they would be terrific places for fighting in with all the ladders, half-built structures and heavy-duty vehicles lying around in, it's worth considering :)
The start was good but the story lost steam and choices as it went forward, don't divide your story into parts and write and reread your story over the course of a few days because you want the last page to be just as good as the first and the content in between consistent :) Still, I'm looking forward to reading the next bit :D

Pretty decent for an estimated first story. It was very detailed and looked as if this was made under heavy notice. I have a few things to say in order for you to make at least BETTER storygames.

1. Always make new paragraphs when you add a new person speaking. Like,

"I don't knoow about this," murmured John. "That voice...."

"Nah, it's probably just some prank." Jacob laughed.

Aster shrugged. Then they all left.

So you need to do indent, make new paragraphs, you know? It's not very pleasing when a whole chunk of words is thrown at you in a rush.

2. Don't rush it. You don't want you reader to read a few pages, get hooked, and then be cut off on page four. It's not healthy for a book to be like that,

3. Consider grammar and spelling mistakes. Never, EVER make a letter uppercased later on in a sentence. The only exceptions are: I, (Your character's name), name of place, or a name of the month or buisness. Or, a monument, like Alcatraz or Washington D.C. You always want your reader to read good words and sentences.

4. Revise & edit until you're satisfied. If you're not satisified, they're not satisfied. Think on this a little more. USe the tool on the sidebar if you're not sure.

So there you have it! The basics of writing a story. PM me for questions and/or comments.

The story started out at a quick pace, introducing the main character and who he was. But in the end, like any rushed two or more part story, it doesn't hold your attention enough to actually have you care. The story included a total of 2 meaningful choices, one that got you killed, and one that didn't. I couldn't care less about the people around me, or myself for that fact.

The two choices in the beginning lead to the exact same page, and the structure of the paragraphs were confusing. Rather than creating a giant blob of text, separate the various characters speech and actions, and at least make an effort to keep the reading easy on the eyes for the readers.

3/8 I'm sure the story would've been decent if more effort was provided from the writer instead of making it a part of a series. With the title being "Dead Earth" I would've expected some zombies, but not a single one showed up during this extremely short and linear story. I'm sure if you extended this story instead of creating another small story as well as fixing up the various grammatical errors, the ratings would be much higher.

It seems interesting enough, but it is really difficult to read. When you write dialogue, every time the speaker changes, you create a new paragraph.