Player Comments on First Adventure!

Not the best...

I noticed a lot of randomness in this storygame, suck as arguing with the narrator, killing the narrator, etc. I understand that kind of humor can be funny sometimes, but it can only take you so far when it comes to writing.

I spotted a few grammar issues as I played, but nothing that can't be fixed with a little bit of proofreading. Remember to spend time on your storygames checking grammar and spelling, because that'll mark down your ratings a bit.

There wasn't very much character development here, but here and there I spotted a little bit of personality developing in the characters, but the storygame was too short for it to be completely fleshed out and let me feel emotion for the characters.

In this storygame, humor seemed to be a replacement for detail and plot development, which I didn't like :(

I'll say 3/8, please spend more time on storygames and understand that random humor can only take you a few steps in the miles of land to cover in story writing.

This is pretty good despite the lack or sense in the story. It's really easy to win/lose/end game, but if you go through the story knowing its supposed to be funny and light-hearted, it's quite enjoyable.

Again, there's some grammar issues, but I didn't really notice them because I was more focused the humor.

There are little fantasy elements, and I think that could be more expanded, as it is a "fantasy storygame". Other than that, the story is good to go as a humor one.

Ah, yes. For a first attempt at a storygame, especially for someone whose mother language isn't English, this game was far better than what I went in expecting. There are, admittedly, several blips with grammar and spelling sprinkled throughout, but the story was coherent and readable enough.

What really saves this is the humor. There's a lot of fourth wall breaking, lampshading the limitations of the basic editor, poking fun at CYOA conventions, and a dry sarcasm that made the narration quite fun to read.

Although this game still has a lot of flaws, I was thoroughly amused. I would love to see what you can do with more time, more experience, and the advanced editor (which has variables and whatnot). If this is what you can do in a day, while you're still learning the ropes, I'll be looking forward to what you can produce if you really put your all into it.

This is really funny especially the part we're you killed the granny . This is not bad but not the best it is better 5han all the other ones !

Fantastic! SHORT AND SWEET HACK N SLASH! OF COURSE I DIDNT CHEAT. IM A DM I HAD A MODIFIER WROTE DOWN SOMEWHERE, I JUST CANT FIND IT RIGHT NOW.

On page talk to child there is a misspelling of the word “mister”.

I liked the humor. Your language barrier didn't seem to get in the way much at all! You stuck to keeping it simple which worked in your favor.

Problem...what is with your insistence on saying your stuck with the basic editor and can't use variables? Guess what...there's no reason you can't take the time to use an advanced editor. Literately nothing! You seem to know about restrictions so what gives? Joking about it in the story doesn't get rid of the problem...

Speaking of self aware jokes...I was fine with most of them...some I even liked...but there was one that was off putting...

The part where you ask me to roll a d100 so I have a 1/100 chance of getting the "good ending" only to be scolded for not cheating...then I cheat and get scolded for...cheating...

Its not the biggest thing in the world. But scolding the player works much better if your consistent with your standards. Its one thing to make jokes...but jokes tend to be better when they are consistent you know? (Especially if it involves player choice...its one thing if you want to be inconsistent with your own logic...but to put that blame onto me when you told me to do something different...idk chief...that seems more like a you problem than me...lol :P)

Anyways I rated it a 5 just so it doesn't get taken down...since its pretty close to it...otherwise I'd easily give it a lower rating.

The humor saved it though so...good job I guess! lol :P

No idea what I just did. Didn't feel like I was the character. A couple grammar mistakes. Definitely for humor and can tell that the athor had a lot of fun writing it. Literally had me laughing out loud, partially becuase it was so outlandish yet simple at the same time. Also, I only killed the grandma because the your mom joke was so striking; if you play this game, you won't hold that against me.

I thought it was pretty funny. Good job.

I mean it seems like you were mocking the fantasy genre of adventures more than actually trying to make a fantasy adventure.

I felt no investment in the game or it’s character once you had a decision to go to work as a blacksmith and decided to not write an alternate path for that. The other paths weren’t really interesting either, you just help some poor kid and his aunt and for some reason a dragon shows up randomly.

Also links in with all caps in them are annoying. I guess I’m just not a fan of fantasy stories that try to be funny then horribly fail.

Good

MAKE IT LONGER


And add more options

Spoilers ahead. Do not read this if you have not played the game.

For a first storygame this was pretty solid.

I did not notice any grammar mistakes, but I am no native speaker myself so I guess that does not count for much.

As I am also a very new writer on this story I will give you some of the hints I got from other members of this community.

The first thing you need to do is to add more detail in the description of your scenes. The more detail you add the more the player gets immersed in the story and feels like he is standing right in the middle of the village.
Probably describe the way the farmhouses look a little more. Are they build from wood or stone? Do they have tiled roofs or thatched ones? Describe the smell of shit not through a narrative sentence but more like the character immediately noticing it when he leaves the front door.
That would be some examples how to quickly put more detail into the scene where you leave the house.

The idea of a young man trying to be an adventurer is pretty solid. Maybe you can redo this game in more detail and with the advanced editor to put in the variables and link restrictions needed to flesh out the quests.

The way how you separated the dialogues by starting a new paragraph is good. It was also one of the first tips I got here when I started writing. It just makes reading it so much more easy.

You clearly seem to have gotten the hang of how the links work and how far you can get with just using links and no variables here. You should definitely keep trying to learn how to use variables and scripts to improve your work further.

One last tip now:
Never publish a game before it is finished.

People want to read the whole story of a character and not only the start of it.

5/8 from me because you clearly pointed out that this game was short and just you learning the basics of using links in the editor.

This was good. The story was interesting and you wrote a clear image of the characters.
The grammar was fine, nothing wrong, nor the spelling. However, there was a link which ends the game immediately when the reader only pressed 1 link. So maybe you could make the reader a way to turn back. :)
Other than that, pretty good! Rated 5/8

literally I'm slightly confused. It was okay, some funny points. Mostly a game to entertain yourself for 5 minutes.

Short but that's ok you're dead any way hahaha

I chose the quickest death ending first and I really enjoyed the game. You are a great writer, and your humor is rare. I do have one suggestion, though. Try to add a few more details in some areas that lack, such as 'how can you tell the ogre is a child' (maybe include a joke about age here) and try to give the character morals so that when we kill him we feel bad about it (ex: should we steal from the kid because our parents were killed by goblins? Are we committed to righteous action? If not, why do our actions vary so drastically on the moral scale? Are we diseased? Mentally unstable? Or simply very grumpy?
See? The more we know about the character's feelings, the more we feel when we make a decision that contrasts the decision we would normally make. Because his mother has his working for a grumpster, I'm thinking that is the reason he is so grumpy himself. To avoid confusion, I would emphasize the fact that those are the reasons he is making poor decisions.
In short, I suggest a bit of editing in certain areas, but it was very enjoyable overall. You have an interesting, humorous voice, and you are quite the talented writer (especially considering English is not your first language).
Also, I would be happy to help you edit out the grammar mistakes. If you would like the help, feel free to leave me a private message on my account.
Thank you and well done,
Squatting Pigeon

Some of the writing was quirky, and there's some budding, nascent humor here. If you expanded it, and wrote in a little more detail, this would be a passable game. And a bit of brushing up on the technical side of writing would help also.

that was no quest

i killed a the narrator... *grins evilly*

Poor narrator x3

Well, it's pretty short. However, your story has great humour, something that's very refreshing to see. And, while it wasn't perfect, I was thoroughly amused all the way through! Your english was also very good.

Ah, e pode ficar tranquilo, você não é o único brasileiro por aqui não! hahaha

i honest to god didnt cheat against the dragon

I like the humor, but it's too short.

Short but sweet!

Laughed at the ending.

OH MY GOD. YOU CAN ACTUALLY KILL THE NARRATOR. I thought it'd just be an instant game over, but nah! Actually kills him! Grammar was pretty spot on, and the story was pretty good!

Haha I loved breaking the fourth wall and killing the Narrator :D Considering English presumably isn't your first language you did a great job here :) A lot of new authors emphasize that their First Story IS their First Story but I think making that clear in the title takes it to the next level :D I'm looking forward to reading your future stories: Second Adventure, Third Adventure etc :D

Pretty decent story i guess

Oh, and just fyi, it's considered kind of tacky to rate your own stories, and it's always pretty obvious. Next time you do that you get swatted with a rolled up newspaper.

It's generally not recommended to put up a story so soon after joining the site; remember, there's no rush or time limit on these things! But this one was amusing and you avoided most of the common pitfalls of first time authors, and so I look forward to seeing what you can come up with if you ever sit down to write a longer story.

Well, this was quite a random game...the endings made me laugh out loud, but it needs less linearity and a lot more text before it can be considered a strong game. If you want to 'test' your writing, it's better to do so in the 'Writing Workshop' on the Forum.

This was a fun and short game, I do advise that next time you describe the world and characters a bit more, as you left me with little details.