Player Comments on Camp Massacre: 1990

Disclaimer: to the author, take everything in this review with a grain of salt. I’m not a professional writer and only somewhat of a seasoned reviewer. To the readers, this review will contain lots of spoilers, so I suggest you read the storygame first.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS

In the title, ‘massacre’ is spelt wrongly. I noticed this in both stories so it’s probably worth pointing out. The description states that the reader would play as several characters—this tends to be difficult to execute and balance between, but it would be a great device to build reader connection to a larger cast of characters when done well. It also sets up the tone and setting well: a summer camp where murders happened five years ago is reopening for the first time. And it ends with a rhetorical question to pique readers’ interest.

On the first page, you don’t need to mention ‘prologue’ again in the text when it's in the description, but that's just me being pedantic. Another nitpick: rather than using the name of the camp twice, the first sentence could just mention 'the camp' to draw more emphasis to the sensory descriptive details and since the second one—the sign—seems like a better way to introduce the reader to the camp name. On another level, Reggie doesn't know the name of the camp until they drive past the sign.

This storygame is written in third person limited. Lots of characters are introduced in a short span of time, so it is a bit hard to keep track of all their names (though I’m just bad at remembering names in general). It may be better to introduce them organically into the story through their actions and dialogue with the protagonist. But I appreciate the short descriptor with each and how they relate to the protagonist: her friends, sister and potential rivals. It starts to establish the dynamics between them - allies and antagonists. I'm a bit confused about the difference between Camp Shining Stone and Camp Newkirk, but I suppose that'll be explained later on.

Okay, so it seems like a strong start with good proofreading and it sets up the base for future conflict, both with other camp members and the mystery behind the murders of the past. The narrative also starts to paint a picture of the protagonist, like the things she looks forward to and her relationship with side characters. There’s an ominous tone amidst the more mundane scenes, which foreshadows future events like the last line about the legend coming to life.

WRITING STYLE

There’s a lot of emphasis placed on the way each character's dialogue sounds, e.g. “forced cheerfulness that did little to mask the uneasiness in his voice" and "her voice filled with a mix of curiosity and mischief". It’s a nice touch, though it makes me wonder if the story is perhaps in third person omniscient. Either way, it allows readers to get a glimpse of each character’s state of mind, in a way they wouldn’t normally.

I like the juxtaposition between Sam's description with colorful bracelets and the curiosity in her voice (lending to a cheerful, optimistic personality) and the darkness of her question about the murders.

At first, I didn't like that the conversation was split over several pages since the common advice to new members is not to use a one link page for a short paragraph, but it actually works here. It serves to emphasize this moment by separating it, reminding the reader of the stakes.

Okay, I retract my statement. I used to have this problem too, in the first story I ever wrote, though thankfully I caught it before I published that. You don't have to add a choice for everything the protagonist does or says. I used to be really bad at this, considering I had like 2-3 sentences on a page because my protagonist kept doing stuff, but generally when there are several one-link pages in a row, it’s becoming a bit of a problem.

Don’t be afraid of adding longer pages. It’s actually less off-putting than many one-link pages in a row. The general rule of thumb is to not have more than 1000 words on a page or more than 3 one link pages in a row, but if you have to break one of these, it's always preferred to do the former. People reading choice based stories tend to like reading anyway, though they're more critical of stories they perceive as linear.

For example, the whole scene involving Sam's questions and the almost-argument could all be condensed into one page. Similarly, the same could happen with the conversation with Sam and Reese. In fact, if you want to make this seem more meaningful, add a choice where the protagonist can choose to speak with either one of them. This might be a cosmetic or info-link choice.

For more information about different types of choices, which you might find useful, refer to this thread: https://chooseyourstory.com/forums/writing-workshop/message/29981

Another thing: start a new paragraph for each line of dialogue. It makes the text more readable when you have lots of characters speaking.

Now, to the author, I notice that description is both your strength and weakness. Let me explain. There are often lots of beautifully written, vivid scenes, especially regarding the characters’ appearances. Yet, too much of a good thing can be bad. For instance, consider this sentence: “Kelsey, the first girl, sported lustrous, chestnut locks that flowed down her back in a sleek ponytail. Pink earrings dangled gracefully from her ears, catching the light.” Descriptions convey not just the way someone looks, but also the impression that the protagonist—and by extension, the reader—should have of them. Ngl, the excessive description using so many adjectives makes it seem like the protagonist is in love with her lol. Normally I like reading descriptive passages, but it seems a bit excessive here. You don't have to tell readers the hair color, hairstyle, outfit, accessories and exact height of each person. After all, reading is about putting the reader in the protagonist’s shoes. When you meet someone and want to describe them to your friend, can you naturally tell their height and every detail of what they were wearing? Chances are, unless it's your crush or someone whose fashion style you memorized in detail because you want to mock them, you won't. Hence, just give readers a general impression of what they're like based on their clothes and maybe appearance, but you don't have to go much further than that. Otherwise you're at risk of bringing up information that isn't relevant to the reader.

Also, Kelly suddenly becomes Kelsey in this scene.

However, here’s a counter example: “Regina sauntered into the kitchen, taking in the cozy vibes that seemed to ooze from every nook and cranny. The wooden cabinets and panels on the walls screamed "rustic cabin chic," and Regina couldn't help but feel like she'd stepped into some sort of woodland fairy tale.” The description here creates a sense of atmosphere, lulling the protagonist—and therefore, the reader—into a sort of ‘calm before the storm’. It serves a purpose in the story and creates immersion. Basically, focus on what’s important to the reader. Good writing should be like a window pane: it’s nice if it’s beautiful, of course, but it shouldn’t block the view (which in this case is the story---the plot, the message, the theme).

On the page "Follow Reese and Louise upstairs", there is a brief moment that switches from 3rd to 2nd person, referring to Regina as 'you'. There are typos in the ‘explain’ page as well: “Names Brian by the way” and "I dunno, Go find it”. There are a few more but I won’t list them all, though despite these, proofreading is pretty good throughout.

I liked the constant reminders of what’s to come, which added stakes throughout the story. Though it’s not a substitute for actual plot (but more on that later).

“Without sparing a moment or a backward glance, he plunged into the storm-ravaged night, the dark swallowing him whole.”— this paragraph is quite poetic. I enjoyed the metaphors, the personification, the verb-based sentences and the attention to sensory details. But just be careful that you don’t overuse adjectives.

CHARACTERS

To the author, as you mentioned something about getting readers to connect to characters in your story, I’ll write some notes on the characters here and then in the review of your other storygame, I’ll compare it with this section. Let’s determine if a longer story is needed to build character depth.

The first thing I noticed is that there’s a double introduction to some characters. They’re all listed on the first page, but later in the story, they’re introduced as if they have never been mentioned before. For continuity, maybe it's better to address them by acknowledging the previous introduction, e.g. ‘Kelly, the popular girl she had seen earlier, was a brunette with a sparky attitude’.

This storygame uses some stereotypical characters, but these archetypes get the message across without spending too much time developing these characters. It works with a larger cast. This creates character dynamics that have been portrayed many times in works of fiction, but they’re repeated for a reason. It’s a good way to get readers to hate a certain character too. Though of course, not all characters can be stereotypical—some should have personalities or twists on old tropes—otherwise the whole story appears cliche. This story seems to toe the line sometimes.

The camp counselor is portrayed well. He wants to keep the peace, struggling to maintain cheerfulness, having a forced smile and forced positivity. He has his own struggle between the duty of his role, yet potentially knowledge of the truth. I half expected there to be some explanation about that, like how the place affects their tempers due to a sinister force or dark magic, but that wasn't the case. I would have thought that if any emotion was to be over the top and dramatized, it would be fear due to the history of the camp.

Halfway through, in chapter 4, the story switches to Sam's pov? Maybe if the choice was important, like choosing for her to be in a specific location might help solve a murder more than her being somewhere else, this choice could be strategic. But as it stands, it doesn't seem to affect the rest of the story. Also, in one of the choices, she dies and the story ends. A lot of others have talked about adding end game links instead of reset ones, so I'll refrain from being redundant, but I would have liked something where, due to the pov switching nature of this story, readers could see how the others react to her death and maybe continue the story from there. It might make it less linear too. Yet that would probably be a lot of extra work.

Later on, it moves to Kelsey's pov. I guess it's true what it says in the description as the reader plays as several campers. But since she has been so one dimensional so far, and a prick to the protagonist and her friends, it's hard for readers to care. I mention this a lot in my writing advice, but internal conflict is key to relatable characters. Make them struggle with something, give them a fear and a desire that clashes, or have them believe something about themself or the world that isn't true. Simply put, give readers a reason to care about them.

Each character fulfills a certain role, like Jason, who is the peacemaker, and Brian and Kelsey getting annoyed easily. Their arguments make the conversations more interesting to read about. I also enjoyed the budding romance between Reggie and Jason. He has lots of cute nicknames for her, such as princess and your highness.

Mr Peterson is suspicious, as he goes from being weird to sad and to happy randomly, like when he says he's unable to go to the campfire sadly but doesn't elaborate then suddenly becomes all cheerful and exclamatory. And after that, he gives them an ominous warning.

Spoilers below, as usual, but I’ll just say that though I didn’t realize it at first, the killer’s foreshadowing was pretty subtle and clever.

PLOT

Pacing is used to ensure readers are invested throughout a story. Therefore, authors must make sure the pacing isn’t too fast (that readers end up confused, overwhelmed and unsure what is going on), or too slow (that they're bored and disinterested). A few other comments have mentioned the latter occurring in the story, where nothing really happens for the first few parts.
There is a lot of build up and hinting towards what will happen, but there's a lot of wasted words here. And this goes back to what had been said in the other thread, where longer stories must be filled with enough in the way of plot to warrant a larger length. Essentially, the scope determines the word count, not the other way around. Here, a lot of the information is good for worldbuilding and character development, but it sacrifices the plot.

You could throw in a moment of high tension and stakes earlier on, by having the camp counselors introduce a competition whereby they have to compete with the mean girls for a coveted prize, or perhaps someone tries to tell the protagonist a secret about the murder but they get interrupted before they can finish. Just something to keep the story moving. And another thing to keep in mind: description slows down pacing. That’s why it’s always best to pair it with action and switch between these and faster paced plot points.

The moment with the locked room and the bucket of vomit was a good way to build suspense and create a red herring, which improves pacing and raises the stakes, even when the main plot event has yet to occur. Another false alarm with the arrival of the two unexpected guest shows how high tension is for the main cast. It’s a good method to speed up pacing. Just be careful not to have too many fakeouts otherwise readers would feel cheated that nothing actually happens for a long time in the story.

I caught a continuity error: Reggie said goodnight to Reese, but on the next page, she says good night to him again.

I’ll reinstate that there’s quite a bit of description about things that don't matter to the reader. There has to be stakes involved to show why they're important. The scene about Sam dressing up would matter more if we first saw her internal conflict about let's say having a crush on another counselor, or having to dress well so she wouldn't be the first one killed. But as it stands, a lot of this story is filler until the killings begin.

In chapter four, there was more foreshadowing, but there still wasn’t much happening. I think I figured out why: usually the best way for readers to feel like the story is progressing is to give the main characters goals and have them work towards it. Otherwise, it's just a random collection of events, kind of like how a story featuring three random days of someone's life wouldn't feel like a 'story'. Similarly, if they have something to work towards, then getting close or further to it would carry the story forward and give it momentum.

Sorry if I sound critical, but that's because you have a strong writing ability and a good grasp of setting, characters and the elements that go into making a story, though the plot and pacing aspect falls short. This may lead to readers getting disinterested and skimming past a few parts of the story that you spent effort on.

Okay, wow, that escalated quickly. The scene where Debbie was being stalked in the dark, followed by the different choices Kelsey could make to escape all leading to the same unfortunate end, was paced well. There was lots of tension and suspense. I particularly liked how it was structured. First, there’s Debbie’s demise, an unavoidable fate, even if she tries to talk Kelsey out of getting alcohol. But she’s a tragic character as her unquestionable obedience led to her death. Then, the reader is placed in Kelsey’s shoes, knowing what happened to Debbie. We get to choose every action that Kelsey takes. It puts us in her mind, and even though her fate is doomed just as her friend’s was, there’s a moment of hope before the stark reality sets in.

Wait, now Reese died too? These killings seem random, but what I don't like is that there's no way to stop them from dying, which makes all the buildup for these characters feel pointless. And there wasn't time for the remaining characters to process Kelsey's and Debbie's deaths either, so it hasn’t been done for emotional impact. They’re almost just names that are struck off. As for the other survivors thus far, they're victims who don't even know they're victims and that makes them characters without much agenda. Luckily, this is resolved when Sam is nearly murdered and she investigates, finding out about Reese's death. This is when the reality of the situation sinks in and they start taking action.

If Reggie or Sam dies, the story just ends and the reader is forced to restart, but anyone else and dying is the only option. I guess it’s because they’re the main characters but the plot armor is very evident here.

Ooh, it makes sense that Reggie protects them all in the final showdown, as she is the protagonist. The fast-paced fight is done well. Stretching it out over several pages with short paragraphs increases the tension, especially since the reader needs to click a link to find out what happens next. But the ‘you died’ text is grammatically incorrect and informal, which ruins immersion, especially for a tense moment like this. Or maybe it's thematic because it appears to taunt the readers thus adding to the frustration.

(spoilers)

The killer is Sean? I was wondering where he went, but I suspected he was an accomplice and not the murderer himself. Guess Mr Peterson’s oddities are never explained. I didn't expect this, as Sean had always been quite playful and teasing. But doing a quick read back, his reaction when the two counselors arrived was never mentioned to be fearful, he just acted as such. And his violence with the poker stick! Also it was a nice foreshadowing detail that the first time he was introduced in the story was when he knocked Kelsey over, perhaps hinting at his ‘darker nature’. His annoyance with Brian makes sense as there are more people to kill and more people potentially stopping his plans. Great foreshadowing, and a nice way to make those scenes more important in a second read through.

It’s a good ending too, and I liked that they were forced to work together to an extent in order to survive. There’s a bittersweet ending where they survive but lose a lot of friends. Overall, it’s a nice read, even with the slower start.

Ok so I need not explain to you that spoilers are coming up, so if you haven't played the game yet, please do.
I think I'm going to start with plot first since I think it merits it , plus I didn't really see any grammar issues.
What's most interesting, in some ways, is how much detail is put into describing the garb of the campers, I would almost call it obsessive detail. It's not necessarily a bad thing exactly, it does add to the story and gives you a good picture to keep in your head.
I think the game could, in many ways be a lot shorter, since a lot of it is background stuff. Interesting to be sure, and it does give you a lot of personality for the characters, which does tend to be helpful in visualizing in my head the sceens more clearly. On the other hand, much of this could have easily been kept to one page, since I felt I had to press continue, continuously just to get through a particular sceen. Note to self, and any others reading this, if there little or no use in paging through, keep it to a minimum of pages. The script itself wasn't bad, don't get me wrong, but the point of choose your story, is to have choices that matter.
Some think that the game could have been cut in half, or more, but I ththink that in some ways the things that were there, left behind a different experience, where you managed to see a part of their lives before it was ruinously ended.
Mostly my frustration was with having to constantly press continue for no reason.
Other than that, it was fine. Perhaps it was a little fluffed up with some things that were unnecessary, but over all, I did like it.
It had a classic horror feeling that you find in movies like Halloween, and perhaps Friday the thirteenth as well, although I never saw those so I'm not sure about that.
Not bad over all, and while there were some issues, I thought it was good.
Hope this helps.

Ok, this story was an interesting one. In terms of tone foreshadowing isn’t the word – unanimous expectation of an inevitable massacre seems to be the theme throughout from the beginning. I never mind linearity much (which is good because I don’t think any of the choices really matter at all at any stage of the story) but the number of characters and the level of detail about them is very unnecessary, particularly the weirdly detailed descriptions of appearance and clothes.

Chapter 1 was literally just people walking through the camp’s entrance and took about 1,000 words and 20 pages. It might have been nice to have a bit more action a bit earlier in the story rather than just promises that something interesting will eventually happen at some distant future point to give those of us who aren’t professional fashion stylists more reasons for reading... at one point we got a detailed paragraph-long description of someone unpacking a box of tinned vegetables in a kitchen. At that stage I started hoping for a seriously deranged and successful serial killer to root for. Also, any time any character makes the smallest joke everyone roars with laughter for a couple of paragraphs.

The extreme emotions make the story a bit odd. Someone called someone a “dipface” and the person responded with an all-caps death threat (which reminded me of Trump for some reason). Then we heard a car and everyone was scared for five pages but it’s ok because it turns out to be a guy whose hair “cascades down his neck in gentle waves” so he fits right in. There were some unexpectedly fun metaphors in places but it’s a bit weird that the smallest action always seems to trigger an extreme emotional reaction from the characters, although that could just be because they’re teenagers.

I got a bit more hopeful that the inevitable massacre would happen soon when the lone adult in charge of the camp of children randomly takes off (no explanation provided), someone calls someone “old man”, this is described as “quick wit” and then someone finds the case of beer left for the unsupervised children in a basement. Then A MURDER HAPPENS (which is about 10% as long as the description of everyone having breakfast) because one of the characters finally goes to get the beers and gets killed but we cut away from all the gory detail (“oh my gosh” exclaims the character who discovers her before also getting chopped) and the moral seems to be you drink alcohol you basically deserve to be disemboweled.

We then have a 6-page hunt for a box of matches, a girl gets ready a romantic moment while the guy reads a Wolverine comic, we get foreshadowing in spades with “little did they know” used on three pages in a row, some more characters get killed (rendering all the attempts to define their individual personalities fairly pointless) but depressingly we are reminded there are still more living characters somewhere else. I tried getting them killed deliberately but the story wouldn’t let me: I got told I sucked at making choices (“whelp!”was the actual word used) and was forced to choose a route where they all live and then we got to The Final Showdown.

The incredibly stereotypical killer (who is unlike any real-life serial killer and more like the bad guy from the first Scary Movie film) and the main character have a weird conversation after which the killer falls out of a window and dies after swinging an axe at and missing, and then the writer kindly told me any review is great so here you are.

To be fair this story has good points: it is well-structured with good grammar and spelling, incredibly detailed and some stuff did eventually happen. Unfortunately, it badly needs massive editing: the pace and detail were bizarrely inconsistent, nothing really happened for the first 80% of the story and I didn’t really get the killer’s motivations beyond “I’m crazy!” This story only needed to be about half as long as it was because there wasn’t a huge amount of plot beyond cliches but a lot of detail about what everyone was wearing. I’d recommend trying short and impactful more often but for a first effort, as you took care to remind us, it’s not a bad try but it is quite a challenge just to read through in its entirety. Happily, I have a free evening and an uncluttered social life and I’m feeling generous so here’s your review and your 6/8 rating.

Absolutely loved it! Personally, I think there could have been a few more situations where you could choose a path but other than that the concept was great!

Decent story but very confusing. You never know if you were playing the part of a certain character in the story or deciding the decisions of multiple characters. Lots of detailed descriptions of the physical appearance and clothing of the characters. Not bad that way but still a confusing story. I give it a c+ or a b-

While this story starts off as a bit cringey, once the killer shows up the story picks up quite a bit, giving me '80s horror flick vibes. Although reset links instead of proper death endings seemed like a waste. Maybe instead, the story ending could've changed depending on who survived until the final chapter?

Sean was predictable, I honestly figured it was him or Mr. Peterson. Scream does a good job at making this trope effective, so maybe more motivation then "I had this darkness inside me." would have been efficient.

Despite these criticisms, this was a well written story game. Grammar was good. My only issue is that there's an awful lot that could've been done with this story to make it more memorable.

It looks like a bit of work went into writing this, and the story seems to have decent grammar, spelling and structure.

But dude. I got bored way before anything interesting happened and it was just linear clicking to the next page. A massacre would have been nice. I feel cheated.

Was not in the mood to pay attention much so my feedback won't be very detailed...

I didn't even finish one route though due to too much linearity and over explaining clothing details. (I actually don't mind this when its done sparingly or for just a few characters...but when your constantly doing it for everyone its impossible to get a good image of everyone due to information overload. Details need to be purposeful in some way...not every way but at least some way.)

Also there doesn't seem to be any definitive point of view character...the description says you play as Regina but the first choice I made involved Reggie doing something. Even if this was supposed to be a linear story (which it kinda is from what I played) there's too much head hopping going on too quickly.

DM me if you want me to give this another try later or if there's a specific part you want critiqued in more detail. But for now...I can say there's a decent idea here that seems to be bogged down by a lack of proper structure...and being too linear obviously.