Player Comments on Clear Sky

I’m not sure what “PA” means (other than the state). But that doesn’t work for the first line of the description that talks about a contest and a year. So maybe the PA describes the contest, but I can’t really tell. Or maybe it is set in Pennsylvania, I don’t know. Perhaps that could be a little more clear in the introduction and on that page (unless you’re intentionally trying to be cryptic, I guess). I’m hoping “PA” meant you were not supposed to go over 2,500 words, otherwise I don’t know why you’d stop there.

The quick scene change just two paragraphs into the story is a bit jarring. There’s no problem with working with different scenes and working in a backstory. And a detective story is a good place for that. But in order for that to really work, you really should have much more of a setting in the present day before you head back into the past. If there’s nothing else there, you might as well start a few days ago and leave it at that.

The story was a bit difficult to read because of grammar issues. There were extra commas in places and commas missing in other places. There was even an apparently random back quote on the first page. The wording is a bit odd as well: at one moment I’m standing outside, the next moment I’ve already talked to the man. Then I head back outside and haven’t yet decided if I’m taking the case. And there just isn’t enough description of what’s going on – it seems to jump around like the author knew the whole story, but didn’t manage to get enough information out on the page for the reader to completely understand what’s happening.

I did appreciate that there were some choices that appeared to actually affect the story. But yes, it was indeed very short and it appear to me that you tried to cram a longer story into a shortened word count just to get in in there. It’s a good effect, but I think there’s a lot more to the story that should be added to really make it better.

Honestly? The best thing about this story was probably the writing. While you did have some grammar mistakes which could have been cleared up with proofreading here and there, it wasn't so bad, apparantly for something written in one day. I'd also like to acknowledge the character creation and noir atmosphere which were quickly set up early in the game. Well done.

With that being said, this game does have its faults. It was very linear, confusing, and not at all post-apocalyptic -- the only reason it could be considered the genre is because you said this work was for the contest and you managed to slap three sentences or so in the first page about how the USA was a shithole. Nothing else suggested this to be post-apocalyptic.

You put in some effort which is good. Next time, if I were you, I'd proofread my work before publishing, and making sure it actually fits the contest I'm writing it for.

4/8.

Clear Sky is a great title, an evocative one. But that doesn't add anything to the story. That, by the way, has nothing apocalyptic on it. Say that World launched the bombs 200 years ago and now all is over it feet is not making any apocalypse setting.

The writing is okay, and it is meritorious due it was made on a day. But forget that the story has many flaws. In the first place, then dialogue is weird and have punctuation problems. Then it feels to be extremely rushed, the descriptions could have been really better with more wording and effort. The first page is atrocious with our sidekick sounded like a retarded and all the lore is launched at us like a puke machine gun.

Then the story is linear as hell, and it really feels like is linear and choices are mere cosmetic.

I thought that the writing had a lot of potential; you have a good voice. I do think the story could be improved by proofreading it over again, as I did spot a few grammatical errors. It could also be improved by increasing its length. I liked how there were many different options to choose from and endings to experience.

Idk if I won??? Some parts of the story are confusing due to grammar and syntax issues. :(

Very short, so not much plot.

"A twelve inch dildo""Your mother" To give you some constructive criticism it isn't dark or funny to include something like that. It is just bad writing. Also every ending was something ludicrous like organ harvesting, just come on. I went through every option, dead, dead, partially dead, taken away, betrayal with implied death.There were other weird things too but overall like everyone else said it was linear because you literally could have just had one slide that just said "death/implied death". P.s. you're grammar could use work. :D

Hmm...there are considerable spelling errors and I don't think it is quite "post-apocalyptic".

I think dialogues were well written and they were quiet funny and interesting at the same time. Though,, linearity hurts it the most, I guess. It was a decent effort if it was written in just a day but trust me story was bit confusing and I wasn't getting any idea what was actually happening in the story. Overall I appreciate your effort and would like to see a better version of this and sure you have potential...,

Well the setting was cool, the plot was fun and the characters were interesting. Only problem was... I didn't get it. Like, all the way through I had no idea what was going on. What leads were they following? How did they get the leads? How do they know the son is dead? Why the fuck would the dad have his son murdered and then hire people to find him? Just... Hurts my poor little brain. :(

I think this would actually have been very good if you didn't make it post-apocalyptic.

The dialogue added a lot of flavor; you did a decent amount of character-building in a very short space.
It didn't feel "post-apocalyptic" to me at all though, more like you just tacked a mention of "oh yeah it's pa" to the front of a noir detective story.

Quick, straight to the point, linear. But decent effort for a short amount of time. I'd like to see you take that effort, spread it out over more time, and create more from this world. There is a lot of meat here, I'd like to see more.

Well...I suppose for one day it isn't horrific. There was some good writing, some humor, and a few solid character interactions, but the story was confusing and linear. The dialogue would actually be pretty good if there was any color or reason to it.

I appreciate that you wanted to get a story in by the deadline, but a better way to do that would have been to start sooner. I'll have to check out your other work.

Agreed with Kiel. It honestly isn't the best, but it was good for a short-story (and good use of first-person in a CYOA) and I respect that you tried your best to get something in for Madglee's contest.
Although you seem to be surprisingly good at grammar and the like, I recommend getting a proof-reader if it bothers you/you think it could bother the reader.
Solid work.

I think you did well under the circumstances and constraints, Neg. It had some flaws, true, and yes, it was quite short, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. Good work. Probably the best "made in a day" story I've seen ... at least, in a while.

This was a well-written, mistake-free and enjoyable detective story, though at times the descriptions could have been more thorough but given how quickly you wrote this it's very good. I think this could be developed into a very good series or longer story-game after the competition :)

Very well written. Good, fair and engaging story.

Sometimes, the story changed from present tense to past tense. It was very confusing.
Nonetheless, it was a good story.