Player Comments on Halloween Fright

Review 5 Halloween Fright

Ben, Ben, Ben, Ben. I was about to type up a very nice review for my favorite Dutch guy on the site, but your offer was way too tempting to pass up, especially because you managed to type an even shorter story for a contest than the one I have planned and written in one day. You said "halloween Fright" was your first story on the site, and this was very very apparent the moment I laid my eyes on it. I think I gave it a three back when I first read it. The fact that I didn't even remember reading it in the first place doesn't bode well for me. But oh well, let's start with dissecting your game.

Overall impressions
The story is so short that I don't have much to say. I honestly have no idea how your writing got even worse over time, it shouldn't be possible, but it is. It was better than the terrorist. Perhaps because I only had to read 6.000 words this time around.The story is supposed to be humorous, I should be able to be amused, but I didn't feel much when reading it. Everything felt very mean spirited. The writing, the way the protagonist was written, Randy and the 'funny' quips of the omniscient narrator. It was as if I was reading the writing of an alien pretending to know how to human. I never once laughed when the narration was breaking the fourth wall to insult the reader again. The first time it was a bit surprising, the second time it felt lazy, the third time made me roll my eyes. There were no themes, there was no meaning behind all the events, no character development, no character that would endear me to the story or want to root for them. There was nothing.

Notes - First page
- It is ever amusing to me that you decided yet again to feature a pathetic incel protagonist and his sister. Somehow I get the inkling that these characters were very much inspired by the closest person you know in real life, I think you know who it is. It isn't Cel.
- Lots of telling and not a lot of showing. I think it would be more impactful if you give the reader very clear reasons why this person is so pathetic and why he doesn't have any friends. There are plenty of normal and well-adjusted people who also didn't have any friends in High School. Give me a reason why this guy is so maladapted and a waste of oxygen. You have plenty of inspiration if you look in the mirror.
- I honestly don't think that this is how teenagers talk. "Ha Ha Ha! Look at this loser." I remember that this kind of bullying only happened in middle school. It feels very infantile and not very realistic and even in middle school people don't really beat each other up anymore. The bullying is way more subtle like excluding a person, talking behind their back, laughing at them, breaking their stuff, making them feel unwelcome, spreading nasty pictures of them etc.
- I also find the portrayal physical violence for bullying a bit cheap/lazy. There are so many more interesting ways to bully a person. The more personal and detailed it is the more interesting of a drama it could be. Perhaps it is a video of him masturbating over his sister's underwear or him possessing an anime body pillow or something equally degenerate as something like that. Because I don't find the protagonist hateable enough to be amused by the bullying. Even now I could see that you try to be edgy, but your edginess is the level of Jojo Siwa's 'bad girl' phase.
- The violence isn't even that creative or visceral. "They beat you even more". Come on, you are a writer. You know you can make it much, much more gruesome. Let's see, you can perhaps try to describe how the protagonist feels. This is always a good way to make the reader feel uncomfortable. Also, try to look up videos or pictures of people who have been beaten up or try to use your imagination a bit. It is these little details that make a scene come to life. (Ringing in someone's ear, perhaps blurry vision because he hit his eye, bruises, the initial shock of the first punch and then the ache afterwards, how this person falls on the ground etc.) You also had the same problem with this like in your current story)
- Again, again, I still think that even in modern settings you ought to pay a little attention to the environment. Sure, you have one line about where they are, but it is kinda a waste to not give the school a little bit more detail. Like, I would expect this kind of physical violence a lot more in a school that is near a poorer neighbourhood. It also informs me more who the protagonist is. I also noticed that the environment descriptions were also very sparse in your later works.
- I also am so confused why the person is whining so much about a mausoleum. So far, there was nothing to signal the reader that this mausoleum is haunted or spooky or that it is so infamous that the protagonist is weeping by the mere idea of being sent there. I think you could've introduced this detail way earlier in the story.

Other notes - The vampire route
- Page "refuse": so him and his friends begin to beat you more -> So he and his friends
- It doesn't make much sense why Jenkins was so desperate to recruit this dweeb of a protagonist to go vampire hunting.
- Not to be a killjoy, but I think you got some vampire lore wrong. Vampires cannot eat pizzas. Vampires also would probably notice garlic in dishes. This vampire must be a complete idiot. I did find the conclusion a little amusing though. Still, the Randy problem still felt a bit unresolved. Will they still continue to bully the protagonist after this night?

Oter notes - The Ghost
- Again telling, not showing. You tell me the ghost is mad and do SOME VERY ANNOYING CAPSLOCK TO MAKE SURE THE READERS NOW HE IS YELLING. You can be much more creative than that. Make the room colder, make the flashlight do weird stuff. Ghost can normally manipulate objects or reflections a little in movies. Why not do that to make it a bit spooky. Then break the tension by having the protagonist pathetically scream.
-STOP WITH THIS CAPSLOCK. YOU ARE NOT CEL. IF YOU WANT TO SHOW CHARACTERS SCREAMING THEN YOU COULD JUST DO SO BY WRITING IT AND PAYING SOME ATTENTION TO BODY LANGUAGE

Well, I feel the whole "asshole bullies who will literally murder you if you try to fight is a super-unrealistic way to start off the story. You're not going to get murdered for trying to fight against your bullies. Sure, it won't go well, but you could've just had the protagonist beaten up and had his candy taken, so that it just ends on "With your night ruined, you slump home injured and upset." There, you don't have a widely annoying and unrealistic murder, but its still clear this isn't really an ending. You do this ultra-depressing thing a fair bit. Like sure, when the protagonist gets stuck trying to push open the stone door and murdered, that makes sense. but having the investigation cut short because no one cares about you is retarded and having your family killed, and just makes me think you wanted to give the reader a REALLY unsatisfying ending for some spiteful reason.

It seems you switch between the kind of brutal writing style like "...convulsing and shitting yourself like a retarded infant" that's so commonly used by Endmaster, but I don't think it's really a good place to use it in a story told from the perspective of a tiny, apparently normal kid, in a setting that really doesn't justify it. It's just jarring.

I also don't think a group of bully assholes would be willing to face off against a group of cultists in a street battle.

Not really sure what's going on with the cultists, either. Apparenlty they're a bunch of teenagers (not the most terrifying group) that are here to... I don't know. Communicate with ghosts or some shit? Even though they could've just literally walked in to talk to the ghost? That could've been fluffed out.

I really think that ghosts don't have the power to teleport people, and if they did, they'd have to the power to kill the people slightly down the hall in the Mauseleum. Anyhow, I'm sure when you inform Randy that there's a bunch of headless cultists in here, he'll investigate and leg it, especially seeing as they run out when they hear screams from the vampire.

It does seem a lot of the characters in this don't really have any actual traits, or at least none that make sense. There's a street gang willing to murder kids and face cultists in a knife battle even though they seem to have the time to lock kids in Mauseleums and wait there for the night, there's a group of cultists that seemingly haven't noticed the ghost slightly down the hall, and there's a ghost that can teleport people but can't kill those down the hall and is willing to possess you to take your body, but also doesn't when you break into its room after leading to the cultists death for some reason. Admittedly, you had a short time, but there's a lot underdeveloped here that could be worked on.

Although really everything I've said so fair has just been critiques, it was a good story. It was a fairly interesting setting with some choices, and you show a fair bit of quality with your writing. Well done on getting this out there. Hope to read more of your work.

This seems to be a decent story from the first page. :)

WARNING: Spoilers ahead. Read at your own risk and all that.

-And tonight's gonna be the night that all changes!"
Forgot the second "that".

-"Finally Randy gets the idea to lock you in the Mausoleum at Spinner's Cemetery on the end of town for the night,"
Sounds a bit strange. Might want to reword this sentence?
I would suggest something like this,"Finally, Randy gets the idea to lock you in the Mausoleum at Spinner's Cemetery for the night."
When you add "on the end of town", it just sounds strange.

-"Of course Randy is livid that you'd have the balls to defy him so him and his friends begin to beat you more than you've ever been beaten in your life."
Forgot a comma.
"Of course Randy is livid that you'd have the balls to defy him, so him and his friends begin to beat you more than you've ever been beaten in your life."

-When you choose the Mausoleum or Old Man Jenkin's, it seems everything devolved into a huge wall of text. I will admit I am feeling slightly disappointed because of this.
Huge walls of text makes it hard to concentrate on your story..

-""whattya waiting for?""
Capitalize the W in "whattya".

Ah, I'll stop with grammar mistakes now.
Overall, this story had okay writing, no spelling mistakes(from what I saw), and barely any grammar mistakes(mostly things that seem to have been accidentally left off and nothing a good proofreading couldn't fix!).
It wasn't linear, with a few different endings. I don't think any of the endings were ever the same, and I applaud you for that!
There was plenty of writing, and despite writing in 2nd person, you didn't start a lot of sentences with "you", something I've noticed in a lot of stories that attempt 2nd person POV.
My only real complaint is the huge wall of text that made it hard to concentrate on the actual story.
5/8 :)

7/8 - I would definitely recommend this story to others

randy really needs to come to terms with his feelings for us. and reese cups are the shit. happy halloween.

I like your humor.

This kind of self deprecation towards the player is exactly what I'm looking for! :D

I think I got one of the shortest paths on my first playthrough but that was still pretty epic. I will be going through again to find the different paths.

Too short.

Great
I like killing Randy

Yeah to be honest I was trying to meet the October 31st deadline therefore why the story isn't at its' best. Sucks especially since only two people actually completed the contest I woulda at least got third place. Well at least I got up a decent storygame, and i'll make sure to take my time with future storygames so they're more satisfying.

Okay for a first time. Few if any errors in spelling and grammar. My only problem is with how short the story is. It's basically a 7 page story at max. With a little character development or more of a plot you could build a much bigger story easily. This story has lots of potential though so please don't lose hope and continue writing and honing your craft.

This would have been a good contender had it been eligible for the contest. Great first work on your part.