Jack and Jill Live On 2

This story... is bad. I haven't seen the first story you made, but I assume that it's really bad which is why it got deleted. Well, here are my opinions on your story.

I admit, you put more effort into this story, but it still feels lacking in a way. You put in effort into this, as more than one sentence is put into a page, and there is dialogue that isn't ridiculous. It has a sense of realism, despite being a fantasy adventure. However, your story still has flaws.

The one I noticed the most is that your story suffers from the "You" trap for second-person storygames. You should add more variety when using pronouns, and not start most of your sentences with you.

Description. This story lacks details, but first let's look at the description of your story. This is your description:

Hey Guys. This is the second parts of the story. All your comments were really helpful, so yah, ill try to make it longer. *Has worried expression*.

Alright so this part will start with you being with Jack, cause I need him as a character.

Have fun!!!

Don't do that, it makes you look like you put no effort at all in your stories. The words, yah, and the shorter version of because makes this story feel... like it's not made by a serious author. It's not even proofread, and there is some grammatical errors in your description.

Anyways, back to the topic. Your story, though has adjectives, still feels lacking. You just mention random details, and you don't even describe them. It feels like you're making a random choice.

Remember, each and every story can still be improved, no matter how good their story is. I wish you luck on your next story!

Oh, you want to know my rating? It's a 3 for effort.

This story is not all that much longer than the first, and although it shows some effort, not a lot of deep thought seems to have gone into it. For one, it is very linear. There is only one storyline in this story, and if you deviate from it, you die, or get directed back to the original storyline, without adding very much. You would also be surprised at how much developing plot, character personality, and range of real choices really helps the overall quality of your game.

Nice to see you making some progress! Although this was better than the first, this wasn't too good either. It was short, linear and You need not to rush the pages. Most of the pages had 0 description and there was no background. And killing the queen was completely illogical. How come two people kill a dark queen so easily. Plunging a sword in her, really? I hope you would work harder for the next game. I can't really say that this was a good game but happy to see ya trying ;-) unlike some of the new members here. Haha. Please don't get disappointed by my comment but I can't rate you higher for your effort. I am giving it a 4 (2X better than first) and Wish ya good luck :-D! And oh! Watch out for those zombies! Yep! Right behind you!

good story

Great start to a story game. I would of added more details but good job. I can tell you put in a lot of effort.

Could have been a little longer. I got the best ending the very first time. So not to hard. Other than it being short, it is a pretty good story.

Not bad, but it seems like there wasn't too many choices to choose from.

Too short.

It was very short and linear

Easy, but really fun, though you only get 2 choices her page.