TheNewIAP, The Grandmaster of the Written Word

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10/26/2014

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7/20/2018 10:43 PM

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Storygames

Bestist Frend Jane
unpublished
After his best and only friend's brutal death, a seven-year-old boy sets out across the country hell-bent on fulfilling her dream. Along the way, he must overcome his deficiencies—both real and imagined—to assuage his own pain and guilt.

Recent Posts

EPIC Adventure Thread on 7/15/2018 2:11:37 PM
I think you might be right. I just heard a pause there when writing that sentence and dropped in a comma out of habit.

EPIC Adventure Thread on 7/15/2018 12:54:14 PM
Wow! I'm feeling better about my story now so thanks for suggesting that I post an excerpt. With any luck, I'll be able to hang on to this feeling I have right now and write more than a few words here and there, and actually gain some momentum on this thing.

EPIC Adventure Thread on 7/15/2018 12:02:11 PM
Thanks! I'm always second guessing my writing and concerned that others might not read it the same as it plays out in my head. I usually only use a simple dialogue tag (ie. "she says", "you say", "says Jane", etc.) to kick a conversation off so that the reader doesn't have to puzzle over what's going on or do any backtracking, and then drop them altogether when they're no longer needed. In this sequence, however, there are four brand new characters being introduced in the middle of action and I thought that they needed a little something extra to differentiate them and give the reader a glimpse of their distinct personalities.

EPIC Adventure Thread on 7/15/2018 11:11:13 AM
I wasn't really planning to, but maybe it'd help with my enthusiasm if I got some feedback.

* * * * *

You sit with your shoulders slumped, dragging your feet in a circle as the swing’s chains lazily wind and unwind and then wind up again. You’ve already walked around the park twice and sat on everything here so now all you can do is wait.

“You wait here an’ watch our stuff,” your mom had told you, “I’ve got a lot to do today an’, with any luck, things’ll be a whole lot better from now on. And don’t you leave the park! You hear me? I’ll be back as quick as I can.”

Your stomach grumbles. The two half-crushed, cheese and peanut butter crackers your mom gave you before she left didn’t do much to satisfy it. At least the gnawing emptiness is gone.

You hear a squeal and giggles so you look up. Some little kids are playing in the dirt at the bottom of the slide as if it were a sandbox. A dozen steps away from them sits a plump woman with her nose in a book.

You survey the park for other signs of life and spot a group about your age. Three boys in a circle around a dark-haired girl. They’re pushing her back and forth between them like some demented form of ‘Hot Potato’.

“Where do you think you’re going?” jeers the fat one.

“Yeah, you ain’t goin’ nowhere you little bastard,” quips the snotty runt.

“Let me go!” she hisses, “Leave me alone!”

The tallest of the three quakes from head to toe in breathy laughter as he shoves her back toward the other two.

The girl turns beet red from anger and lashes out with flailing, non-connecting slaps which only seems to feed the boys’ histerical laughter.

“Leave her alone!” you command as you trot over to them with more brass than you really possess, “You like picking on little girls?”

Their shock fades instantly when they see you and Chortle begins to jiggle. They either aren’t that impressed by you in the slightest or they’re extremely good at hiding it.

Chortle grapples the girl as Tubby strides up to you, heeled closely by Snots. You suddenly feel smaller and more helpless than at any other time in your life, but you refuse to show any sign of it.

“Who are you?!” demands Snots.

“Is this your little girlfriend?” jeers Tubby, “Have you come to rescue her?”

You feel your face flush red, but not from embarrassment. You are livid!

“Look here, this guy’s here to save his bastard girlfriend,” spits Snots.

You step forward and Tubby grabs you in a meaty “bear hug”, but not before you put your fist in Snot’s mouth. He falls back in horror with a tooth dangling below his upper lip and starts tearing up.

Tubby swings you around in an arc and falls on you with every ounce of his weight knocking the wind completely out of you.

You struggle against his massive frame, kicking and thrashing, but there is no escape. It’d take a bulldozer to move that tub o’ guts.

He crawls upward and pins your arms with his fat legs and starts drilling your forehead with his meaty finger. “Wanna be a tough guy, huh?”

The girl manages to land one of her backward kicks and Chortle falls like a sack of potatoes, screaming in agony as his face goes purple. She turns and darts between two houses on the far side of the street.

“Get her,” wheezes Chortle, “Get that little bastard!”

Snots runs to his aid and tries to pull him to his feet between sobs, but can’t muster the strength. Chortle is in no condition to stand just yet anyhow.

Tubby turns back to you and pounds a couple of stinging blows to the side of your face, then smooshes your head into the soft earth as he hoists his lard back to his feet and saunters over to his friends.

You roll onto your belly, push yourself up and limp away in the other direction.

Looking over your shoulder to make sure the trio aren’t watching, you dash between houses and start making your way back toward where the girl went through.

Atlas on 7/14/2018 12:56:59 PM
Thought I might as well divulge my character's immediate agenda since others are doing it. He was going to set up a general repair facility since everything tends to break or wear out eventually thereby ensuring that he is the most indispensable member, devise ingenious ways of capturing the local fauna as a food source because everyone needs food and just another way of getting a high ranking position, and pants people while they were in cryosleep or just weren't looking so he would never be caught with his pants down (as it were) ever again.

EPIC Adventure Thread on 7/14/2018 12:48:32 PM
Sunday, July 15: Update #3 on story progress and what you like most about your story so far

Progress: I've kinda let my daily word count slip a bit. I'm almost to 14K due to being busy with work these last couple of weeks and felt too exhausted to write afterward. I've forced myself to write a little on it everyday, though.

What do I like most about my story so far? This question should've been asked early on, because right now I can't think of one single thing. I'm still going to do my best to finish it, regardless, and I refuse to do a half-hearted job. That's why on days I can't find the words to put down, I spend time editing to make it read somewhat better. I just need to somehow find my enthusiasm again.

Mizal is now an admin on 7/10/2018 6:10:58 AM
I figured I should actually post something here instead of just lurking in the shadows and watching everything crumble from my assigned crenel in the Villains Lair. Congrats! I guess. I would be hard pressed to think of a more fitting punishment. With any luck, you'll suffer every single day of your sentence and I, for one, hope it drags on for years and years and years. Oh! and try not to burn this place down like you did with your last one that one time, Mizal, you might not get a do-over.

EPIC Adventure Thread on 6/30/2018 11:55:52 AM
Sunday, July 1: Update #2 on story progress and any issues in the writing process

Progress: Some. I'm currently at 10K words (I should be 12K by this time, but things happen) and would be much further along if I wasn't constantly being pestered by people needing their stuff fixed, but there are bills to pay and food to buy and since I can't get by on a steady diet of words I'll just have to take it all in stride.

Issues in the writing process: Again, my word count is at 10K and I still haven't reached the inciting incident that I need to kick off the real adventure. With any luck, I'll get caught up on word count and manage to get to that turning point sometime this weekend.

EPIC Contest - The Contest to Rule Them All on 6/27/2018 12:06:37 PM
Not sure if it was intentional, but I liked the NaNoREEEEMo slip. I hope everyone takes her advice to heart, because we could use a few more really good stories. And if they're uh ... not so good like she suggests, then maybe mine will have a better shot at a higher ranking with the judges.

EPIC Adventure Thread on 6/20/2018 9:47:40 AM
That's kinda what I had in mind. I have high hopes for it at least and haven't lost interest like I have on so many of my other projects even though it's been slow going and I have to keep backtracking to make all the pieces fit together from my notes. I'm still working the kinks out in the initial setup. Once I can get past that hurdle, I can start working on his epic journey. To you and me everything he faces might seem insignificant, but he won't have the tools and experience to deal with it so he has to come up with his own solutions.