VanFevor, The Reader
Recent PostsLame Idea tossed out there for improvement. on 1/14/2018 2:04:59 PM
Alright, good advice :) Thanks for all the help. I'll be back eventually to share another story idea, but it was great to get feedback from an experienced writer. (No I'm not a sycophant) Until next time,
Lame Idea tossed out there for improvement. on 1/14/2018 1:48:12 PM
Thanks. Right after I finish writing something I always just want to post it without taking the time to review it. My passive voice definitely highlights the weakness of my writing. Thank you for the tips. I have so many story ideas it's just hard to put them to paper. I talk to myself sometimes (I know it's weird) and it really helps me envision things more clearly whether it be a story or just an assignment.
I accidently made the font size smaller. My apologies.
Lame Idea tossed out there for improvement. on 1/14/2018 12:53:08 PM
I totally get what you're saying. I came up with the idea about a week ago [Haha the Arr island name was the best I could do] and I typed this up Friday and Saturday without any proofreading. My poor grammar definitely shows. I really don't know if I should continue at it since it's story line is pretty weak. To respond to your question. sadly English is my first language [I'm semi proficient in German] and I'm not that skilled at typing or writing it. I really do appreciate the input though. I will try to use it in the future. To explain more about the characters I always make a description so I can refer back to it to help me. Here's them for those two characters. [I didn't proofread.]
He has a muscular build from working on lifting boxes and crates off looted ships at the shipyards as his job, fair skin but tattered with dirt, dark brown eyes that often intimidate the person they trace onto, 5'10, hair is short and scruffy as though he cut his own.
He is very courteous to his friends and elders but not to strangers his age, generally curious and risk taking, he has little ambitions other than providing for his self and Wayne. He is self-controlled for te most part unless someone is directly verbally or physically attacking him, rarely optimistic given the conditions he has to live with, he can be trusted if he knows you well enough but I wouldn't ask him to look after your purse, Not truly loyal to the Arlief because of the life situation they put Wayne and him in but he's just glad to be alive and healthy, is sympathetic but in private ever since his brother died. He is very observant of his surroundings and takes his instincts very seriously.
He's verry good at stealing, lockpicking, hiding, melee combat, spying
He was an abandoned baby, along with his twin brother who was found alive after a captured ship was plundered. A crew member who discovered the two, Wayne, decided to take the two in as his own. Wayne ended up quitting his shipping days to raise the two boys, in not the best living conditions. The conditions ended up coming into play when Hughie's brother Ralph grew sick of a bacterial disease at the age of 5, with the lack of any good medical supplies or equipment, Ralph died. Hughie continued to live with Wayne who had moved in with his sister for 3 years. Once Hughie turned 8, Wayne returned to his work and left Hughie to be taught by Wayne's nephew Aaron. This continued until Hughie reached the age of twelve, where he began to work with Wayne back at the shipyard. Now he still works but has gotten to know many of the pirates that pass by the shipyard. Hughie wants to better for Wayne.
Weapons: Cutlass that Wayne gave him when Wayne used to be in a pirating crew and a dagger that Hughie hides in his sock.
Now here's Edwards
Prince Edward Von Wilson
Stocky build, Milky, large, mysterious blue eyes that appear to look deep into your soul, coarse medium blonde hair, heart shaped face, fair skin, usually wears a military officer uniform suited with white waistcoat laced in golden linens over a fine tuned white tunic, a saber hilt on a belt attached to beige breaches and black boots.
Dignified, He would seem to hold himself up haughtily but he is very humble and patriotic about Letren. He his exceedingly smart due to his high education yet he has a soft side that he often keeps hidden to others.
Very Intelligent, Excellent swordfighter, Strong.
Grew up a Prince in the Kingdom of Letren but his parents noticed he soon became spoiled and selfish by the age of Eight. Seeing what they could do they sent him over the Erik Port where he would life with his Fathers Second cousin where he would learn to be obedient, taking fencing classes everyday since he was nine, learning to play the harpsichord, violin, and flute, becoming more self reliant. Now Edward feels the need to stay in Eric Port amid the rising tensions with the Arr but faces a conflict of his own in the fact that he will have to retrn to Letren soon after his 18th birthday to marry his betrothed wife (which he doesn’t want to do.)
Uses a saber
Anyway, If you would create tension between the trainer and Edward, how would you set it up. The tension was more suppose to be like Edward molding into a man unfortunately I couldn't get it across that way. Any suggestions?
Lame Idea tossed out there for improvement. on 1/14/2018 11:51:41 AM
This takes place equivalent to our 1800s so technology is limited. It's is about two civilizations in the land of Reef known a the Arr Islands and the country of Letren in connection to their western island colonies. The goal of the hunt for a treasure that grants eternal youth and enough riches to supply a generation of wealth on an ancient island of Rama.
ARR: The islands of Arr are home to pirates and stragglers. Thieves and Crooks hoard the streets along with terrible living conditions. Islands are run by Captain Arlief and his crew after he overthrew the past leader. The economy is close to none; there is no real currency, only trading gold, and valuables for goods and drinks. Their main goal is to conquer and plunder land. They have seven ships including the Sprite and Lazarus which carry the fiercest pirates on the seas craving land with diamonds and gold. However, when your on the island, be aware, Arlief has his group of hired mercenaries that blend in on the streets preventing any sign of revolt against him or rebellion,
Letren and other colonies: Home to a prospering economy under Archduke Eric the third. Mega world superpower with more than 32 million people. It’s island colonies (including Erik Port and Sanma) are home to strong navy and tropical landscape. Its inland islands attract tourists. Seeks gold to support their outer island colonies
I made short Point of Views from a character of each Letren and the Arr. Tell me what you think
The Palace Villa, Erik Port
I stood there with my blade tipped up against my opponents throat. Glaring him into his eyes, I saw the look of a scared man. A man that had a look of despair and that he had lost control. The room was deathly silent. He ever so carefully took his hand and slowly yer forcefully brought the blade down.
“Well done my Prince...well done,” my trainer Lance said with a trace of fright.
I took a glance at his hand quivering every now and then.
“You’re afraid. Tell me why?”
Lance glared up at me and bowed before returning eye level to me, “My Prince-”
“Call me by my name damn it!”
“E-Edward. It seems that now my work here is done. I was always used to being in control in our duels for the last 10 or so years if I can remember correctly but it seems our training and work has led you to surpass me. I will no longer be to any service to you. I believe with your training, you could take on Captain Arleif yourself. For this reason I request for your dismissal.”
I sighed and began to pace the room thinking to myself while Lance stood there. He was a very lean man yet his stature and appearance just spelled out soldier. He was an excellent military swordsman and was awarded with multiple metals. My father chose him to train me every day since I was 11 and until now I had never beaten him. He never went easy on me since day one. I looked outside at the village beneath me in the distance. The village I would one day come to rule all while from a throne back in Letren. Still looking outward I spoke,
“Very well then. I relieve you of your duties and thank you for your service to the crown.”
I shortly after I heard the door close signaling he had left. My eyes filled with tears knowing my childhood was deserting me. That I would soon become a man leaving me to return to a land I no longer cared about, and to marry a bride I hardly will know.
Hughie’s Point of View:
Carsine Shipyard, Arr Islands
Keep going! You’re almost there!
Those were the words I thought to myself as a took yet another bounty crate from the ship and stacked it onto another one. I watched my footing as to make sure I didn’t trip then carefully yet forcefully set down the heavy crate.
I looked up at the sky while wiping the sweat off my brow and saw that the sun was about to set some time soon.
“Last one!” Cole, my swole and dignified fellow employer, said almost focused on the arduous task of bringing down the last of the boxes. After he set it down he walked up to me and
“Well Hugh, you’ve earned your wages for the day.” Cole said reaching into a pouch of his. He pulled out a silver tabloon and dropped it in my palm.
I glanced down at my palm and gritted my teeth together so tight it it felt as though they could break.. Cole scummed me out and he knew very well that he did.
“Hey I worked for four half tabloon. That’s not fair.”
Cole just laughed, “Look that’s not how it works here. I don’t care if it’s fair or not kid. What are you going to do about? Wayne’s not here kid. It’s part of the job.”
I silently gritted my teeth and clenched my first yet I knew it would just be stupid to try and fight Cole. Sure I was bigger than him but looking at the scars running across his body, who knows how many people became his victims. I didn’t even want to look at his ugly face. I turned around and ran. The sight of Cole compelled me to get as far away as the shipyards as possible. I hated it there. The endless labor, the late shifts, the poor wages. I loathed every minute of it.
There was a bundle of wood layin up against another wooden crate. The crates were everywhere, that is, except for the waterfront where constant repairs were being made to the ships. Releasing my anger I lashed my leg out kicking the bundle and dispersing them in every direction causing a numb pain in my foot.
“You ok there Hugh?” a voice said behind me. I turned around to face a familiar face.
“I’m fine Nico. Always got to be sneaking up on people.” I said brusquely. I had gotten to meet Nico gradually throughout the past couple of years with him talking his mouth off to me of his adventures. He was rarely seen in Carsine due to his tenure as a pirate yet I did enjoy his presence.
“ Well ok then… I think you’ve grown since the last time I saw you. It’s been what, 3 months since I last popped in?” Nico said.
I nodded while fidgeting with the tabloon in my hand.
“How’s Wayne doing?” Nico inquired.
“He’s sick. Got a fever, expected to recover though thankfully.”
I glanced out towards the ocean and the crashing waves riding up on the shoreline.
“He’s a lucky old man Hugh. Usually a fever is a death sentence, especially here.”
“I know,” I said facing back to him, “probably good he could get a break from this ******* job.”
I finally saw Nico for the first time in a while. He had grown slightly as well and his face had seemingly matured somewhat. His ginger hair had grown almost falling into his eyes but it was still messy as usual.
“Look Hugh, you can still sign up for the expedition you know?”
I acted as if I didn’t understand but just about everyone on this island understood. Rooted and passed on by whispers words of a great treasure on an Island that was often disregarded as just a hunk of rocks.
“I know you’ve heard Hugh. It’s not too late. Seven members of our crew were slaughtered by a Letren Naval ship. We need new crew.”
I just gave a half-hearted smile and then spoke, “Nico you know Wayne would never allow me to do that. No matter how much he hates it here he’ll keep working as long as he’ll know I’m safe. He’s been in the pirating realm and he’s told me it’s blood and guts.”
Nico smirked and then decided to speak, “That’s true, Wayne is right about that but the reward….” Nico pulled out a pouch and opened the bag for me to see. There were at least 50 gold tabloons. That’s more than what Wayne and I earn in 6 months combined.
“Jeez how much did you loot?!” I marveled.
“We raided a merchant ship stocked with Ivory and tabloons. Earned us high-pay.”
I cussed under my breath. A feeling of sheer envy enveloped my soul. Wayne worked 10 times harder than Nico yet he earned next to dirt. I wanted to do something and it felt like I’d been pushing this thing back for too long. In an impulsive manner I spoke, “How do I register?”
Nico raised an eyebrow alarmed by my question, “Money does really weigh opinions. I’m pretty sure tonight at the Splintered Chair, my Quartermaster Sisk will be there. as usually drinking and what not. Ask him to join and I’m sure he’ll have a contract for you to sign.”
“Contract?” I asked curiously.
“All Arr Citizens over the age of 14 must sign a contract if they’re not part of a crew beforehand. The contract is the Pirate Code basically put onto paper with the 4 main rules, Desertion results in death, Follow the Captain's orders, no pocketing loot for yourself, and your on Duty until released or past the age of 55. That’s pretty much it.”
“Don’t worry, you can be released right after the expedition. They’ll know your oly doing a one time thing.”
I thought about it for a second with a feeling of guilt of even considering this yet also a titillation inside of me of what pirating could be and the treasures that behold.
“And the Splintered Chair. You have to be 18 or older to enter.”
Nico smirked at me, “I think you know you can take care of getting in there Hugh.”
“I haven’t made up my mind if I’m even going.”
Nico started to walk backwards smiling, “I think we already know your mind's made up. Tell Wayne I said hi.”
And with that Nico walked away, leaving me to think of the possibilities that could await...
December Contest - Just A Doll on 12/13/2017 11:39:48 PM
Before you start hating, I know I sound like a goon for even saying this but am I suppose to contribute to this?
Rogues on 12/13/2017 11:37:27 PM
Absolutely Brilliant! I like your writing style. Easy to read.
Poetry Writing on 12/13/2017 11:35:07 PM
Poetry Writing on 12/8/2017 11:13:25 PM
Alight, I'm pretty sucky at this sort of thing. It might seem a little lame but I do read poetry from time to time and I do enjoy cracking their meaning. If you'd be willing to share some with me that'd be great.
Does anyone here speak Esperanto? on 12/7/2017 7:31:06 PM
That's (mostly) true. I didn't have much of a choice though. I'm not one of those odd-balls that tries to get the whole world to speak it. Esperanto estas tre netauga
How many books are there on this? on 12/7/2017 7:27:15 PM