White Light

The basic premise is full of potential, but as supportive as I want to be, I don't think this story is very good. Most of the writing is competent when you overlook the typos and improper grammar, though the story itself isn't engaging both as a choose your own adventure game and as a narrative. With some editing, fleshing out of characters, motivations, setting, and story, and impactful choices, I think this could be a great game! Best of luck.

I like all of the choice you have

This was rather confusing. I wish there were more options to choose from.

In your description you said you had transformed a short story into this story game. And that is exactly what this looks like. There was one plot, with synthetic decision points that only had one right answer back to the one and only plot. The story game isn't the correct medium for that. The plot has to be flexible and interactive for this format. With meaningful decisions that shape the overall plot.

i lost quickly...


oof

short I didn't really like it but that is just my opinion.

It’s more like the preface to a story than actually a story. Also every “choice” isn’t really a choice. One option means death and the other continues the very short story.

I liked the idea but would have preferred the story continue. Perhaps havethe aliens abduct him. Give some kind of explanation for why this jerk is so mean. Build some story on the outline. It’s a good start but seems incomplete.

Pros
- I genuinely liked the beginning. Managed to catch my interest and created a fairly well fleshed out character.
- The idea behind the story is interesting

Cons
- Misspelling
- Confusing wording
- Poor grammar
- Incredibly linear, by far the most linear game I've played on this website

Summary: The idea behind the story was great, and you had a strong start, but it quickly fizzled out after a few pages. 2/8

make it more scary and intense also if you can add sound effects.

So, it's an interesting concept, but it felt a bit short. I had a lot of questions that could've been answered had it just been longer. And to reiterate what everyone else is saying, you need to work on your grammar. A few more choices, some more detail, and a bit more backstory would really make this great.