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A bit of poetry

2 years ago

Since I'm in the mood for poetry, here's one of my poems that I wrote a little while ago:

Tyrant

The cord tightened round the neck,

As this fear burned emptiness,

Staring at me, eyes of stone,

Slouched upon his ashen throne,

Boiling wax dripped from his claws

My scorched back winced hard bleeding, raw.

His coarse grip an eyeless gaze,

Set on purging one more stain,

Made my heart skip two spaces left,

Its beat an airless howl, bereft:

How could one man destroy so much?

What fiery glance, what bloody touch-

What would I give to hold mine own,

This steel length, to hang the crown.

 

But then I looked up yet again,

Saw two eyes flashing, wearing thin,

Beneath those sores, those two deep bags,

Folding up and down like caves,

The pits of Hell extinguished, froze,

Just one drunk fool there, one old man,

His slick black hair spread far too thin,

Atop a heavy, morose grin.

I wept for him, for all of them,

That black, confused mass wavering there,

The sun burnt on these folds of flesh,

Where tributaries ran endless,

Another space, another sky,

To think that two hands could touch lives,

To think that beneath his gold shirt,

There lay a slowly pounding heart,

Nor did it stop, but it survived,

One small mallet strike a time,

My knots of rage frayed away,

There was no hate there, only shame.

If only I could tell him so,

But still the rope length quickly closed,

If only words could heal time,

If only voice could stop a mind,

If only-

A bit of poetry

2 years ago
I enjoyed this. I'm not sure about the rhyme scheme, it seems like sometimes it's there, sometimes it's not, but I like poems that tell a story and I liked what you did with this one.

You might consider having the two sections more directly contrast each other. Right now they both start off speaking of his eyes, but then go off to do their own thing. And while the second part that wants to make the reader pity the old man is effective, the first section is shorter and the picture of him as a monster and a tyrant doesn't get as much focus in comparison.

A bit of poetry

2 years ago

I like this. :O Tyrant vs Just an Old Man