Inspired by a thing that just happened in the Villain Lair.
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The CYStian Clinic was run by Doctor Professor Tim PHD, and assisting him were his faithful junior doctors Klam and Chris. As per usual, Sentinel had wandered into the clinic after his daily routine of fishing to ask Tim for advice. They had finished discussing the trick of hitting people in the face with a sledgehammer while wrestling, as Tim had been a pro wrestler once, and were moving onto more important matters.
"Now," Sent began, "if you wouldn't mind, how do you pull knives out of yourself without bleeding to death?"
"Hm," Tim hummed.
Sent's eyes darted side to side as he continued, "Not that I have this problem right now."
"The trick is to rub dirt into it as soon as you pull it out," Chris suggested.
"Shut up Chris are you even a Doctor Professor PHD!?"
"... No."
"Hm. It's a shame we lost all our medical supplies," Tim said, "what do you have on you, Sent?"
"I have a spoon, an ice pick, and a paper clip. Oh, and I fished stuff out of the river with my magnet too."
"Are you wearing any clothes?"
AzBaz entered the clinic as Sent said, "No, I only fish naked." Before anyone could say a word, Baz quickly turned around and walked away.
Sent dug through his satchel to look for things he fished out of the river with his magnet, "Ooh! Okay. I found an old gun in the river. Maybe I could shoot the knife out of my body? And the bullet will fill in the hole, right?"
"Nnnnnno," Tim said slowly. He took a peek into the satchel. "Actually, make a fire using the Ice Pick with some wood.
"Gosh Dr. Professor Tim. Have all those decades in the physics field made you skeptical of everything?"
"That's MISTER Doctor Professor Tim to you!"
It was at that moment that Klam burst in. "What are you doing, man?! You need to HAMMER the knife out GENTLY!"
"See? Klam seems to know what he's talking about. He's not going on about setting fire with metal things," Sent stated, crossing his arms. "Have you gone quite mad Mister Dr. Professor lieutenant general Tim?"
"Oh, okay. It's not like I have a PHD in 'being fucking right'... Oh wait. I DO."
"Ah. Fuck, you're right. I shouldn't have doubted you. I'll set the ice pick on fire right away!"
"No no no! Use the Icepick to create a fire from wood!"
It was in that moment that Sentinel stabbed the ice pick into his, er, 'unmentionables'. The quartet looked down at the sight, Tim, Chris, and Klam in shock and Sent in disappointment. "Well, I stabbed it into my wood. I no longer have a boner, and I don't have fire either." He looked at Doctor Professor Tim. "What the hell, Tim?"
"Sentinel no! This is malpractice! He's a dermatologist for Christ sakes," Klam began.
"Well you're a fucking psychiatrist, what do you know?" Chris asked.
"Yeah, but you know what the knife ' s in? My dermis. And my spine. And he's also a chiropractor!" Sent said.
Klam ignored Sent, "Chris, I need 60 CCs of mayo, stat!"
"Wouldn't mustard be better for this situation?" Chris asked.
"God damn it Chris, you're the junior doctor here!"
"Shut the fuck up this is my first day on the job, how am I supposed to deal with this!?" At that moment, Sent began to spasm wildly, blood leaking out of his private area.
"WE'RE LOSING HIM! CHRIS, THE MAYO!"
"FUCK!" Chris ran off to grab the mayo. "HERE IT IS!" Klam squeezed the mayo into Sent's open wounds.
Sent began to come to, slightly. "Ah, guys. I feel funny. Did you... Did you put MAYO in my blood!?" he roared.
"Chris, write this down. He's reacting with extreme anger to the mayo in his injury."
Chris writes and nods. "I think it's a case of knifeinspineinitis," Chris observed.
"An astute observation, Chris."
"What have you DONE!?" Sent bellowed.
"Chris, hand me the patient safety taser!" Klam yelled. Chris tossed it to Klam. "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to get back in your bed. You're oozing mayo."
"I NEED A JIM BROWN MOVIE AND A HERBIE HANCOCK RECORD, STAT! IF I GET ANY MORE WHITENESS IN MY SYSTEM I'LL DIE!"
"HE'S HYSTERICAL!" Chris shrieked, "TAZE HIM NOW, KLAM!"
Klam aimed the tazer, only to accidentally taze Tim instead. The Doctor Professor Lieutenant General PHD fell to the ground, writhing in agony. In that very moment a loaf of wonder bread flew in through the clinic's window, nailing Sentinel right in the face.
"NO! YOU FOOLS!" Sentinel screamed as his pale sheen glew as if the bloom was turned up too high, "There's too much whiteness in this shit!"
Chris stared in silence at the dying man for a moment. "All in favor of never practicing medicine again say aye." Klam promptly said "aye", and Tim croaked out something that sounded like "aye" as well.
"What!?" Sent screeched, "But you guys didn't fix anything! You just made me a mutilated fool! We can't end this until I'm alive and safe again!"
"Eh, it's cool, just slap some dirt on it like I said and call it a night," Chris suggested. Sent then closed his eyes, and released a sigh. A translucent double of Sent, save for his injuries, rose from the corpse.
"Wait wait, things seem to have fixed themselves, I'm all normal now. Just slightly translucent." He attempted to walk around, only to notice his feet were off the ground. "And floating!"
Chris sighed. "Oh shit..."
"Ha! Look at that white-ass honkey in my chair," Sent chuckled.
"Anyway Sentinel, uh, yeah, things are back to normal. Just rest up and by the end of the week the translucentness and floatiness should fade," Chris said.
"Thanks for the help, guys!" Sent waved as he floated out of the door.
"As I planned all along," Tim said.
"Now let's get this fucking corpse out of here," Klam replied as he went down to the basement to grab the shovels.
THE END
