Title: The devil's regret
I slump on my throne of bones, darkness engulfing the chamber. I panic and fall from the throne. I crawl towards the metallic door, but a stranger's features appear. Judging every thought, the stranger mouths "devil" and I begin to break down. "I only wanted to cleanse the world of its sins, but now I realize my folly," I plead. The stranger disappears back into oblivion and I run through the door. I stare at the barren wasteland that is my creation. A vibrantly coloured butterfly lands on my palm. It has to be a sign of a new beginning
Everyone feel free to post your own stories. Also, @mayana and @mazdark
What's next? 150 word stories? Lol.
I think besides not capitalizing the title and beginning the first three sentences with "I [verb]" it was ok. I like the transition from darkness, barren, devil etc to the symbol of change and hope emerging. I notice you forgot a period at the end.
Keep it up, Karstark
Good idea, I will get right on it
Just adding more diversity. It's not that I feel jealous or anything...
“...carry the five…”
Jesus this class is boring.
You tried paying attention, but your teacher’s lectures were as interesting as women’s basketball. Glancing around the classroom, you desperately search for anything to pass the time.
Leah’s wearing a low-cut shirt today. If I just stare out of my peripherals – Shit, she caught me! Play it cool! Drink casually from your water bottle.
A single drop of water hits the back of your throat causing you to cough uncontrollably. Your face reddens as your peers turn their attention to you.
Hold. It. In. Don’t let another one out.
This relates too much, that it hurts
I think it is a true story for alot of people
Of course not. I'm smooth like butter.
Yes! I finally finished my fifty word story!
A chicken wandered alone in the desert as a snake silently slithered behind it, waiting for just the right moment. The chicken stopped, exhausted from lack of water. The snake pounced. Victory! But it didn’t last. Seconds later, a hawk flew from the sky and the snake was no more.
This was so hard and I spent so much time on it (if you count five minutes as a lot of time).
Now we’re doing HUNDRED word stories? Have I missed my chance? Why must people copy others ideas? Now what?
Check the word count before commenting.
It's funny how this comment was completely ignored lol. Anyway, the meta concept was nice but it doesn't mean that the fictional story within can't be subjected to critique, even when it has a very light tone. So put a little more effort in it and heed Maz's words.
Well, fifty words is less than 100 so I guess you didn't miss it.
The length of the first sentence does, imho, a bad job at showing the stakes for the main character; maybe you should split it in two sentences and thus change the reader focus to the sneaky bastard. "The snake silently slithered behind it,... " .
Also "dehydration" sound better than "lack of water".Plus, you'd have gained some extra words. I think "falter" would be a better description for the chicken action instead of simply stopping. That kind of things would flesh out a bit the story. "The characters never say things, they state, declare, stutter, mumble, etc." . Same thing here.
"A hawk shrieked and the snake was no more" could be, I guess, better than simply stating "flew from the sky". "Fell from the sky", at least, is not a pleonasm. Pleonasms are bad. Especially when you have to pick your words carefully.
btw, the snakes that are in the desert are really small,aren't they? eating small rodents and all? And I'll assume the chicken fell from a caravan or something because idk why they would go where there food is scarce.
Well I'm not sure my feedbacks are helpful, but here's my two cents.
ps: took me way too long to write this
The 50 word thread is still going. This is just something for people who think they can achieve more with 100 words rather than 50 words. Also, I wanted to post the story I had and because it was over 50 words I had to create a new thread for it, so I thought why not create a new challenge?
Oh, my bad. I didn't get the joke. AND ignored the comment. however I stand by what I said and complain about how the joke's not funny, but that's just because I'm pissed at myself for not realizing it sooner.