WatchNon-threaded

Forums » Creative Corner » Read Message

Share your short stories, poems, collaborative works, original artwork and more.

Suzui

6 months ago

The sun broke through the clouds and finally brought warmth to her face. The wind gently caressed her hair and brought the sound of cars on the road home.

"Your father has a bad day, go for an early nights rest honey."

The beating of wings were heard from the seagulls behind her, the screams only drowned out by the music of a passing party boat filled with students.

"What is the slut doing here? I heard she’s in a relationship with a teacher."

The music changed into whispers as the boat moved away, leaving her with the soft clatter of the wire fence.

"If you want to stay in school you will have to work for it."

She unzipped her coat and laid it next to her, a sleeve hanging from the stone edge.
She looked up at the birds that were flying by and at a trail left behind by an airplane.
A gray cloud moved in front of the sun and took the warmth and color of her face.

"Even the sun doesn't love me." she thought as she took a single step forward and the sound of the cars came closer and closer.

Suzui

6 months ago

booo, unoriginal

also the seagulls weren't event trying to eat the stones

Suzui

6 months ago
Corgi you're drunk, go home.

Suzui

6 months ago

Actually, this year I only had half a four loko several weeks ago.  My zero alcohol plan for the year is still going pretty good (minus that one slip up), hence why there haven't been any random shittily written drunk stories or anything posted in a while.

Maybe you're the drunk one :D

Suzui

6 months ago
Oh, my bad.

Corgi, you just had a stroke, go to the ER.

(congrats though, good luck keeping up with that)

Suzui

6 months ago
You've got some excess description you probably could've trimmed out so that this could go in the 100 word story thread and get more views in the long run that way.

Couple of minor punctuation issues but well written otherwise, you get the contest across clearly with just a couple snippets of dialogue. It's just, emo suicide endings are getting to be a bit overdone around here. I understand what it is about short fic that invites them (it's perceived as a quick way to add gravitas and an end that's 'emotional' by default) but they're still getting played out for those of us who have to read them all.

Just for once I'd like one of these to end with something like 'she took a step forward and then finished crossing the street to enter the police station'. Pretty sure everyone would've applauded the refreshingly different twist, lol.

Suzui

6 months ago

Sounds pretty fair, I wrote this for a school project in one class sometime ago and I thought i'd check what actual english people thought of it.

I'm new here though, haven't read more then 2 stories and thought I'd try to join in on the fun (Didn't know I was basically writing a zombie story). Appreciate the feedback though.