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My entry for Gower contest I BEG FOR FEEDBACK

3 months ago

I know is a pain in the ass and is broken in grammar, and too boring... But please, Could you read and give me some feedback? I worked really hard on it

https://infinite-story.com/story/info.php?id=19892

I am sorry, fir having to ask for it, but could be great for me.

My entry for Gower contest I BEG FOR FEEDBACK

3 months ago
I had a bit of free time from writing, as my dad dragged me out to the barber shop, so I got to read Broken Hunger for a little bit.

I haven't gone through the other branches yet so I can't comment on the structure, but I'll discuss what I can. Do note, that I'm just basing this off of what I've experience thus far in the story, which is the War Scientist path.

First off, let me just congratulate you for writing 100,000 words--fucking hell, that's several times longer than my own (still-in progress) story, and is in itself a huge accomplishment.

Now let me talk to about the prose. The grammar isn't the best, that's for sure; and, there were some odd word choices that don't always fit. But from time to time, a few sections stood out as quite strong to me (e.g. "You try to maintain a confident swagger and a cheerful carefree attitude with the fresh new members of the crew."), and show the diamond in the rough this story is.

However there are quite a few sentences that just confuse me, especially in the latter half of the story. One example is, "And here I am, in a fucking real old empire ship and feel like ashes pushed back by a storm."

How exactly does it feel like to be 'ashes pushed back by a storm'? I can't easily relate to this phrase, as I've never have been or seen ashes flying in a storm. What feeling are you trying to evoke here?

That said, I did enjoy the story and setting and I especially loved Endmaster's "Honk, honk" cameo. Some parts seemed like they didn't contribute to the plot like the cafeteria scene, mostly because the characters we can choose to interact with there don't really reappear later, and the actual interactions are very short.

I'll have to go over this again later before, but those are just my initial thoughts.

My entry for Gower contest I BEG FOR FEEDBACK

3 months ago

Thanks for the feedback. Cafeteria well, yes, all depends on the branch you get and you were in the branch that doesn't have people it. The cafeteria people are in fact romance options in some paths and spoilers on others.

The ashes on the storm is a version of The dust in the wind I think you said in English.  Maybe I should change if it is not clear. 

@Jacoder23 Can I ask you what did make you decide not to interfere in the discussion? The thing is that I was trying to people let that path to the last one, so I tried to make it sound like less epic than the other, maybe I have to rewrite in a way that sounds worse.

You have been really useful to me, thanks for the help.

My entry for Gower contest I BEG FOR FEEDBACK

3 months ago
I haven't gotten to that part yet, but the ashes thing is actually a great phrase, I love it. But then I really enjoy unusual or poetic similes and metaphors because I always really struggle at coming up with them myself.

Also being a War Scientist sounds pretty awesome so I'm not sure why Mara is so worried about that.

My entry for Gower contest I BEG FOR FEEDBACK

3 months ago

War scientific aka hacker and strategist is same as soldier available in any of two totally separated branches even if the results of being a soldier or a hacker end up with a totally different experience.  My problem is one of branches is made to understand and give context to the principal.  But few people who had tried the game starts with the part they should not and that is causing the idea that there are no npcs,  not romances not action and that end is quite linear... the branching and all action is int the others by design.