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Warrior Cats: Apprenticehood will feature

-Proper spelling and grammar!

-New Ideas!

-The full apprentice experience!

-A story with pacing and developed characters!

While I'm not posting my game until it's 100% complete, I would appreciate occasional feedback. As I pass some mile marks in the story game, I'll be posting a snippet or two from the story. Lets call the sneak peeks.

#1: First Hunting Lesson

Heatherbelly walks further into the forest, scenting the air continuously. "There!" She hisses softly, and pressed down a large fern leaf. "Look through here, Sunpaw."

You poke your head through the undergrowth, and you see a mouse nibbling on a seed, just a few fox-lengths ahead of you. Prey! "Are you going to show me how to catch it?"

"Not today." Heatherbelly said. "Just watch." You turn your attention back to the mouse. It was no longer nibbling on the seed. It squeaked a few times, and another mouse, much smaller, poked out of a hole in the ground. Mouse pups! You thought excitedly. The mother squeaked again, and two more pups came outside.

"See, Sunpaw?" Heatherbelly purred. "Cats are not the only ones with kin. We are not the only ones with feelings and emotions. This mouse loves her pups like your mother loves you."

You remember all of the times Cindersky doted on you and your sister. Purring you to sleep in the nursery, making sure you were warm and fed. Could mice really feel like that?

"Even birds and squirrels?" You ask Heatherbelly. "Even twolegs?"

She nods. "Yes, even twolegs. Dogs, birds, rabbits and squirrels too."

"Then why do we eat them? Why don't we get along?" You ask, partly sad about all the mice you'd eaten before.

"Because we must." Heatherbelly explained. "We must eat, and the things we eat are mice and squirrels. But remember what I told you, just as warriors will continue, so will our prey. Now, I want you to catch a mouse."

"Now?" You ask.

"Now." Heatherbelly sits tall. "Catch the mouse, any one."

What had Featherpaw shown me? You think back to when you begged the other apprentices to teach you hunting moves.

You leaned to the ground and bunched your young muscles, getting ready to leap. "Now!" Heatherbelly calls, and you make your jump. The sound of the rustling leaves startled the mouse family, and they all dashed. 

You landed with claws outstretched, and laded squarely on the mother mouse, the others scattering. "I did it!" You call.

"Great job!" Heatherbelly praised. "Now, bite it's spine. Don't be cruel to the prey, and remember to always respect those who got away."

So, what do you think? Good? Bad? Horribly amazing? So horrible that it impresses you?

It could use proofreading, but it isn't bad.

Adding it to the list...

It's actually not bad. You really get to see the Warriors' world outside of the generic "become warrior>get mate>battle>mate dies> become leader>the end" WC plotline

Explanations of why there are gatherings, actually seeing a few twolegs, the only thing happening in your apprenticehood isn't a badger attack.

That... is actually what I'm planning. Explanations of gatherings, twoleg sightings, and more fights than a badger attack. (No badger though.) I even have a prophecy that will be delivered in the first moonstone dream. 

It'll end with the warrior ceremony, though.

If that's what you're planning, don't bother. Work on something with some semblance of originality.

Did you even read through what I said? I meant I wasn't sticking to the formula, but branching out with my own ideas and prophecy to keep it interesting. What I am going to do was what Rosetail had suggested. A full experience of being a warrior apprentice. The first gathering, seeing twolegs and fighting more than one opponent and earning your warrior name. Choices will not only determine how the story will turn out, but what your warrior name will be. Did you even read it through all the way?

I read it; it still sounds like a slight variation of the traditional WC formula.

"You really get to see the Warriors' world outside of the generic "become warrior>get mate>battle>mate dies> become leader>the end" WC plotline"

Yeah, but I'm not seeing too much outside of it. Just because she said it will be so doesn't mean it will. Thank you for aggressively highlighting the word "outside", though. That was classy as fuck.

It isn't quite finished, but read this.

You nervously tread down the worn clay path to the fabled moonstone, the air as cold and crisp as leaf bare, yet outside the air was warm and filled with the scents of grass and prey. You could just scarcely see the outline of Heatherbelly's tan-and-white pelt a tail-length ahead of you. The thick darkness made your fur stand on end, and you were sure the whole patrol could scent your fear. Taking in the air, you could detect not only yours, but Moonpaw's and Juniperpaw's as well along with an even more surprising one, Heatherbelly! Your mentor feared the sacred stone as well? Or was it the closing stone walls and the clay under paw that felt as if it was sucking at your pads, waiting to take you into it's depths, becoming the soil of future generations of clan cats?

No! You try to dismiss such thoughts, and rein in your fears. You were safe.

Abruptly, each one of your fears came flying back with vengeance as a harsh light could be seen ahead. Pressing back your ears you squeeze through to the cave. A beautiful glittering stone could be seen in the darkness, 

Does this seem in place for the common WC shit?

It's nicely described, but plot-wise, I'm not seeing anything that hasn't been

• explored to Hell in the books
• done to death in fan-fic

Have you read the books?

Like I said, it isn't finished. First draft material, as is what's above. I'm spacing out the plot, adding in my own ideas, and developing my characters. I haven't seen that in many story games here, have you?

I have read the books.

Actually, spaced out plot, original ideas and developed characters are expected.

Hello there!

To start, you definitely have a nice feel for the books, as your style of writing merges well with that of the official series. It's evident that you are familiar with the overall structure of the books -- how events and circumstances are described, as well as the manner of dialogue spoken by the cats (many of which, to me anyway, were always quite similar to one another in the series, almost annoyingly so). From the snippets of your story that you have given here, I can honestly say that I feel for and care about the characters, which is a good sign... considering there isn't much that you have given in the way of "teasers".

The being said, there are grammatical and spelling errors, albeit not too many, and there could be a bit more detail added in to better paint a picture of one's surroundings for the reader. As you stated, however, these are still drafts and so I know that you're still working on the final piece.

My advice to you at this stage of your writing would be to correct some of those (small) grammatical and spelling errors and to not be afraid to adapt your own writing style to the world of Warriors. Unless this is your writing style, and/or unless you're trying to stick as close to the style of the books as possible, it's not at all a bad thing to spice things up a bit with your own unique way of writing. Keep things clear and legible while still being engaging, interesting, and, if it's what you're going for, emotional. Craft a story that is unique to Warriors and lead the reader down paths they haven't explored before. Mold interesting and diverse character personalities that are both likeable and memorable. Basically, engage your audience in a fresh and enticing way. From the sound of it, that's what you're working on doing, so all the best to you! :)