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Does this make sense?

5 years ago

Writing dialogue and actions in present tense, but describing the scene in past tense.

EX. “I don’t know,” you reply, barely listening to Cali at all. You were laying face down on your stomach, while Cali sat beside you, fiddling with the ends of her hair. A picnic blanket under the two of you. It was a lazy Sunday afternoon and you and your best friend Cali took to the balcony of her house to get some fresh air after being inside watching films most of the day.

OR

“I don’t know,” you reply, barely listening to Cali at all. You are laying face down on your stomach, while Cali sits beside you, fiddling with the ends of her hair. A picnic blanket under the two of you. It’s a lazy Sunday afternoon and you and your best friend Cali take to the balcony of her house to get some fresh air after being inside watching films most of the day.

Does this make sense?

5 years ago
No, it doesn't. A phrase I love to use when proofreading things is "Pick one tense and stick with it!". If something's happening in the present, then all of it is happening in the present; unless you are insane, you cannot have conversations with people that were there but no longer are. The only verb in the example that you posted that should be in Past Simple is take. That's because the two characters went to the balcony earlier. They're already there now, sitting on the blanket and chatting.
Another thing that I find strange about your example is that you start with a random line of dialogue, switch to describing the situation, then finish with the reason why they're there. I assume this is the start of the story, in which case starting it like that doesn't sound right. In my opinion, it's best if you start with the earliest thing that happened: why did they go to the balcony, the description of the scene, the dialogue.
The name Cali doesn't need to be mentioned in every sentence. Use the pronoun instead, she. It's lying, not laying.

Does this make sense?

5 years ago

I see your point about having convos people that are no longer there. Lol thanks.

It's just an excerpt so that's why it's random, but, yes, I do start with dialogue in the story

So something more like this:

It’s a lazy Sunday afternoon and you and your best friend Cali took to the balcony of her house to get some fresh air after being inside watching films most of the day. You are lying face down on your stomach, while she sits beside you, fiddling with the ends of her hair. A picnic blanket under the two of you.

Then dialogue here.*

Does this make sense?

5 years ago
The first example is grammatically incorrect. The action of the story needs to either be present or past tense. You cannot swap between the two - a fantastic way to utterly confuse your readers.

The second example is grammatically correct, but the prose is very weak. Use strong verbs and nouns to write a more vivid scene. This will help you paint a better picture in you reader's mind. Here, the scene is rather confusing, and I'm not exactly sure where the characters are at.

Are they on a blanket inside and then go out onto the balcony? When I read the characters are lying on a picnic blanket, I'm assuming the characters are already outside in the sun. So why are they heading to the balcony a sentence later?

These are issues that would be resolved with stronger nouns and verbs.

Does this make sense?

5 years ago

What about:

It’s a lazy Sunday afternoon and you and your best friend Cali, took to the balcony of her house to get some fresh air, after being inside watching films most of the day. You are lying on your stomach, while she lounges beside you, fiddling with the ends of her hair. A simple grey blanket under the two of you to shield your bodies. You didn't want any splinters from the wooded ground beneath you getting into your skin.

Or

It’s a lazy Sunday afternoon and you and your best friend Cali now lounge on the second floor balcony of her home. After being inside watching films most of the day, you revel in the well needed fresh air. You are lying on your stomach, while she sits beside you, fiddling with the ends of her hair. A simple grey blanket under the two of you to shield your bodies. You didn't want any splinters getting into your skin from the wooded ground beneath you.

I don't do well with details usually...or it takes me a few edits so I don't focus on it right away usually.

Does this make sense?

5 years ago
A question:

1) Are you just trying to make a general improvement to a stock paragraph, or is this going to be the opening scene of a story?

If it's the latter, the scene needs to start with some kind of action or inciting incident. The first sentence needs to catch the reader's interest, and the first page needs to present story questions. Here, we have no story questions, and the opening line isn't exciting.

---

As a general rule, "it" is a very weak word to use in a story. "It" is even weaker when it is the first word of a sentence. What you're doing here is telling the reader what is happening. Try to show the reader the events of the story instead. For example, show a seal basking on a rock in the heat of the sun.

A seal basks on a rock upon the beach, soaking in the warmth of a bright summer day. -- Showing

vs.

It is a warm day, and you see a seal laying on the beach. -- Telling

---

Ask yourself when you write a sentence, why is this here? What purpose does it serve? Every sentence should either advance the plot or add characterization. If a sentence isn't carrying that weight, it should be cut or rewritten. Words are precious, and readers have a limited amount of time that they will be willing to give you before they decide they're bored.

For example, we see a lot of stories from new writers that open with a character getting breakfast. But having bacon or pancakes for breakfast has no bearing on the events that follow. The story shouldn't start before the inciting incident, the catalyst that starts the action.

Does this make sense?

5 years ago

I see.

I always felt like I should introduce and set the story up before the inciting incident.

For example if a story is about a girl vacationing to France who visits a sketchy club, then runs into her doppelganger who then tries to frame her for murder...I might start it off with her at the hotel first (maybe getting ready) and introduce her as a character in a short scene before having her go to the club. Is that not okay?

Should I just go straight to the club in this instance?

Does this make sense?

5 years ago
I don't see a problem with taking a little time to set things up, but everything that happens should serve a purpose in either establishing something necessary about the characters or the setting. At the point of opening the story nobody cares about any of these people and you need to find some way to make them likeable or interesting as quickly as possible.

Being told they're lazing around on a balcony or that they just watched movies doesn't do much, you don't really need an entire paragraph for that. And you managed to not work in at all the fact that she's vacationing in France, which actually would create some kind of interest in the surroundings or the reasons for being there.

Does this make sense?

5 years ago

OK. I see. 

Fyi that example was just something I made up. Completely unrelated.

Does this make sense?

5 years ago
Certain readers will give a varying amount of time before they get exhausted with "set up." But I think it's a good rule to have the inciting incident on the first page of the story. The inciting incident isn't - we must take this ring to Mordor! It's the snowflake that sets off the avalanche.

At the very least, the first page should raise story questions that makes the reader want to keep reading.

For any specific example, the answer is always going to be the very unhelpful... it depends. You can take any general prompt and write it in a way that raises story questions that are relevant for the plot from the start. But for your example, I think asking yourself, as the writer, questions like... why is the protagonist in France? ... what does the protagonist hope to achieve? ... what is the immediate source of conflict? ... will help you determine how to make the opening scene compelling.

I've read that a lot of editors - for novel manuscripts - see a lot of submissions that really should have just started with chapter two.

J.K. Rowling's first Harry Potter novel wasn't rejected by double digit publishers because they were WOWED by the opening chapter. A great idea can sometimes carry a story, but J.K.'s prose itself isn't all that great, which is largely why none of her other works have sold very well.

A good caveat to remember - all rules can be broken, but you should have a reason for breaking them. Why? - is usually a very good question to ask yourself in any given situation and can help you develop your story or improve your prose.

I hope this helps.