That one day, everything had changed. Our hero did too. It was ever since that day, that nobody could've looked up to him no longer. That day was a normal, expectional day. It was Eggman up to his schemes again, trapping birds in his robotic pods. Don't underestimate Eggman, as he had a trick up his sleeve.
Sonic and Tails dashed among the clean and refreshing run through the grass, flowers and palm trees of the green hills. " Do you think that Eggman never thinks of new ideas, I mean, all he ever does is robotizize everyone." Tails asked while the wind tried to force them to stop.
"I mind that" Sonic concentrated on his sneakers. " Really, I seem bored with him sometimes." Tails tried to keep up with his Bush's incredible speed that almost knocked him down. " I'm not complaining. Eggman always amuses me how stupid his plans can be. Plus, he's an easy guy to deal with."
Sonic's arms opened wide, and the wind blow harder, and them both dashed even faster. " Look! There's a caterkiller!" Sonic stopped immediately, and Tails tried to grip on the rocks and dirt he ran for so long on. " Do you think Eggman uses actual metal, because these robots are pretty easy to destroy." " Maybe not, Tails" Sonic charged some energy, which almost shocked Tails. Sonic leaped into the air, and all the sparks he generated boosted him up into the Caterkiller.
" How do you do that Sonic?" It's just some effect after I used those choas emeralds a lot."
Sonic and Tails continued on their jog, feeling relaxed and happy to just be able to run and express their love to do so. "Mmm, do you like it out here Sonic?" " There's nothing bad about it. How about you stop asking me questions for a while." They came across a row of moter bugs.
" Tails, how about you show me what YOU can do. " " Okay." Tails' tails started to propeller, and all the grass that surrounded tails started to fly out. Tails jumped onto the moterbugs. " Great! " Bunches of robots exploded into pieces and parts, small enough to think of them as cystal. " Really, Sonic? Not as good as you."
Tails felt unconfident saying that, and Sonic knew too, but Sonic had no comment. " Look out!" Sonic said abruptly. Tails flew into the air, and Sonic picked up steam to figure out what was happening. It was a GIANT CHICKEN ROBOT WITH HOMING MISSELS AND EGG BOMBS. " What the check is that, robotnik!? " Yelled Sonic with all his might. " I feel so illuminated, the only time I want you to call me Eggman, but nope! This chicken was part of the joke!" Eggman pouted. " Anyways, like any Villian would do, I will take over Mobioud and start using my new, high-tech computer chips so all my robots would have a intelligence of a god, HaHaHa!" Eggman laughed diobolically " More like the iq of an egg." Sonic laughed in joy. " I hate your jokes. But like I was saying, I will shoot homing missels at you now!" Eggman pushed the button. " Sorry, but didn't need the headstart, and plus, your suppose to show and not tell what your doing." Sonic started to run fast, and go towards the robot-chicken. Many egg shaped missels were getting shot, but it wasn't locked on yet.
" Are you really that bad at being bad - Oh my god - TAILS!" Sonic tried to warn Tails, but he was too high in the clouds to hear. " Thank you for the advice, and, he's going to stay up there." Eggman grinned like his plan was working out perfectly. Sonic didn't know what to do. " hhhhhhhh" Sonic breathed heavily. Sonic looked around and saw a spring nearby. Sonic avoided all the egg clone robots that dropped out of the back of the robot, and jumped onto the spring. " Tails - I'll save you!." Eggman smiled that gave Sonic horror in his eyes.
Think this might be good enough to make a actual story out of? Terrible? I'll try to make this a CYOA, it's just hard when all my ideas don't translate to that, but then again, it's Sonic. A game. So I would try to make this a CYOA. All rights to SEGA.
Well, it's good to know you're serious about making a storygame :)
This could become the new Eternal or Necromancer. Whaddya think?
All I can say is that it sounds like an interesting Fan Fic.
Be sure to start a new paragraph every time dialogue switches between characters. Here's an example:
"Tails, how about you show me what YOU can do."
Also, don't put spaces between the dialogue tags and the dialogue, I fixed these in my example above. Other than that, there are some grammar and spelling errors ("Sonic's arms opened wide, and the wind blew harder, and they both dashed even faster."), and some tense and punctuation problems ("Anyways, like any villain would do, I will take over Mobioud and start using my new, high-tech computer chips so all my robots will have a intelligence of a god, hahaha!"). Be sure to run this through word or other programs with spell and grammar checks in them, as well as manually proofreading them.
The Blue Blur: Sneak Peak by Doodler
This is a Sonic the Hedgehog Fan-Fiction made by Doodler
Sonic and Tails dashed among the clean look of the grass, flowers, and palm trees from the Green Hills.
Well, I think the wording of this sentence is its only problem. "Dashed among the clean look" doesn't sound right to me. Maybe it would be better like this: "Sonic and Tails dashed among the clean looking grass, flowers, and palm trees"
"Does Eggman ever thinks of new ideas, I mean, all he does is robotizize everyone." Tails the Fox asked while the wind tried to force them to stop. His bright, yellow fur blew the opposite direction while he caught up with Sonic.
Needs a question mark. Overall, the detail in this chunk is satisfying. Maybe instead of saying "while the wind tried to blow them back," you could say "While the wind blew back against them, trying to push them back.
Maybe it's just me, but it looks cleaner that way.
"I mind that," Sonic spiky, blue hair waved in the air, as he glared down at his sneakers, which had a golden buckle with red and white stripes.
"Really, I seem bored with him sometimes."
Was he looking at his sneakers to avoid eye contact? Was he angry at them? I dunno why you'd glare at sneakers. Maybe it would sound better if you stated the reason he glared at them.
Tails tried to keep up with Sonic's incredible speed, and almost knocked him down in the process.
"I'm not complaining. Eggman always amuses me how stupid his plans can be - he's an easy guy to deal with." Sonic's arms opened wide, and the wind blew harder. They started to gain acceleration and dashed faster.
I don't see much weong with this chunk, other then the cact that it sounds like Tails was dashing? I don't know much Sonic, so correct me if i'm wrong, but doesn't Tails fly?
"Look! There's a Caterkiller!" Tails shouted out, and his two tails started to shake. Sonic stopped immediately, and Tails gripped on the rocks and soil.
The Caterkiller glared at Tails with red eyes, and its purple spraypaint looked pale and had dents in it. It hissed slowly, and it slithered underneath the grass, showing its sharp spikes at its back. It was going towards Sonic and his sidekick.
Not much to say about this part. It's well worded and the detail is sufficient.
Sonic curled up into a furball, and charged some energy, which almost shocked Tails. Sonic roared like an engine and generated enough static electricity, to push him into the Caterkiller. It blasted into pieces, with parts of the spikes drilling into the ground and metal got splashed into a nearby river.
No need for the comma after "electricity."
"Is he using plastic? These robots are pretty easy to destroy," Tails asked out of curiosity.
"I don't know Tails," Sonic waited for a surprise entrance from Eggman, his arch-enemy.
Tails thought to himself how Sonic easily destroyed Eggman's minions. Sonic and Tails continued on their jog, feeling relaxed and happy.
This is a good chunk, well worded with a conversation i'd actually expect to see in a Sonic TV show.
"Mmm, do you like it out here Sonic?"
"There's nothing bad about it. I love it actually. It's better than working in a gym!" They came across a row of moterbugs. The robots were designed after ladybugs, but couldn't fly.
"Tails, how about you show me what YOU can do." Sonic wanted his friend to experience fighting off the robots. "Here, run in place."
Tails did as told, then his tails started to spin like a propeller, and all the grass that surrounded Tails started to pick up like a tornado. "Wow!"
Tails flew up into the air and picked up the spinning moterbugs.
Bundles of moterbugs were shattered into pieces and small parts, small enough to think of them as shards of crystal. The pieces were covered with smoke and dust and thrown far into the clouds. Sonic gave a thumbs up.
Not much to say about this chunk, it's fine the way it is.
"Look out!" Sonic said abruptly.
Tails flew into the air, and Sonic picked up some steam to figure out what was happening. It was a GIANT CHICKEN ROBOT WITH HOMING MISSILES AND EGG BOMBS.
The caps are a bit out of place, and how did they just now notice a giant chicken robot with homing missiles and egg bombs?
"What the heck is that monstrosity, Robotnik!?" yelled Sonic.
"I feel so illuminated, the only time I want you to to call me by my ridiculous nickname, and it ruins the punchline, why else do you think I made this chicken?" Eggman pouted.
You never mentioned Eggman appeared. Where is he? Inside the chicken?
"Anyways, like any villian would do, I will take over Mobius and improve upon my robots!" Eggman laughed diobolically.
"You'll never be able to, you have the I.Q of an egg!" Sonic laughed.
"I hate your puns. I'll shoot these homing missiles at you now!" Eggman pushed the button.
Not sure that qualifies as a pun.
"Sorry, but didn't need the headstart, and plus, show, don't tell." Sonic started to run fast, and go towards the robot chicken. Many oval shaped missiles were shot out from its massive hand, and targeted him.
"Are you really that bad at being bad - Oh my god - TAILS!"
Sonic tried to warn Tails, but he was too high in the clouds to hear.
Enough detail and a good fight scene so far... why is Tails in the clouds? And you don't need to cap the O in "oh"
"Thank you for the advice." Eggman grinned and concentrated on Sonic.
Sonic didn't know what to do, and didn't know why Tails was up there.
Neither do I, Sonic.
Sonic looked all around, and breathed heavily. Sonic looked around and saw a spring nearby. Sonic dodged all the egg clone robots that dropped out of the back of the robot, and targeted onto the spring. "Tails, I'll save you!"
Eggman's smile gave Sonic horror in his eyes.
Hmmm... I rate this page a 3.5/8.