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The Blue Blur: Sneak Peak by Doodler

5 months ago

Introduction

That one day, everything had changed. Our hero did too. It was ever since that day, that nobody could've looked up to him no longer. That day was a normal, expectional day. It was Eggman up to his schemes again, trapping birds in his robotic pods. Don't underestimate Eggman, as he had a trick up his sleeve.

Sonic and Tails dashed among the clean and refreshing run through the grass, flowers and palm trees of the green hills. " Do you think that Eggman never thinks of new ideas, I mean, all he ever does is robotizize everyone." Tails asked while the wind tried to force them to stop.

"I mind that" Sonic concentrated on his sneakers. " Really, I seem bored with him sometimes." Tails tried to keep up with his Bush's incredible speed that almost knocked him down. " I'm not complaining. Eggman always amuses me how stupid his plans can be. Plus, he's an easy guy to deal with."

Sonic's arms opened wide, and the wind blow harder, and them both dashed even faster. " Look! There's a caterkiller!" Sonic stopped immediately, and Tails tried to grip on the rocks and dirt he ran for so long on. " Do you think Eggman uses actual metal, because these robots are pretty easy to destroy." " Maybe not, Tails" Sonic charged some energy, which almost shocked Tails. Sonic leaped into the air, and all the sparks he generated boosted him up into the Caterkiller.
" How do you do that Sonic?" It's just some effect after I used those choas emeralds a lot."

Sonic and Tails continued on their jog, feeling relaxed and happy to just be able to run and express their love to do so. "Mmm, do you like it out here Sonic?" " There's nothing bad about it. How about you stop asking me questions for a while." They came across a row of moter bugs.

" Tails, how about you show me what YOU can do. " " Okay." Tails' tails started to propeller, and all the grass that surrounded tails started to fly out. Tails jumped onto the moterbugs. " Great! " Bunches of robots exploded into pieces and parts, small enough to think of them as cystal. " Really, Sonic? Not as good as you."

Tails felt unconfident saying that, and Sonic knew too, but Sonic had no comment. " Look out!" Sonic said abruptly. Tails flew into the air, and Sonic picked up steam to figure out what was happening. It was a GIANT CHICKEN ROBOT WITH HOMING MISSELS AND EGG BOMBS. " What the check is that, robotnik!? " Yelled Sonic with all his might. " I feel so illuminated, the only time I want you to call me Eggman, but nope! This chicken was part of the joke!" Eggman pouted. " Anyways, like any Villian would do, I will take over Mobioud and start using my new, high-tech computer chips so all my robots would have a intelligence of a god, HaHaHa!" Eggman laughed diobolically " More like the iq of an egg." Sonic laughed in joy. " I hate your jokes. But like I was saying, I will shoot homing missels at you now!" Eggman pushed the button. " Sorry, but didn't need the headstart, and plus, your suppose to show and not tell what your doing." Sonic started to run fast, and go towards the robot-chicken. Many egg shaped missels were getting shot, but it wasn't locked on yet.

" Are you really that bad at being bad - Oh my god - TAILS!" Sonic tried to warn Tails, but he was too high in the clouds to hear. " Thank you for the advice, and, he's going to stay up there." Eggman grinned like his plan was working out perfectly. Sonic didn't know what to do. " hhhhhhhh" Sonic breathed heavily. Sonic looked around and saw a spring nearby. Sonic avoided all the egg clone robots that dropped out of the back of the robot, and jumped onto the spring. " Tails - I'll save you!." Eggman smiled that gave Sonic horror in his eyes.

Think this might be good enough to make a actual story out of? Terrible? I'll try to make this a CYOA, it's just hard when all my ideas don't translate to that, but then again, it's Sonic. A game. So I would try to make this a CYOA. All rights to SEGA.

 

 

The Blue Blur: Sneak Peak by Doodler

5 months ago

Well, it's good to know you're serious about making a storygame :)

The Blue Blur: Sneak Peak by Doodler

5 months ago

Agreed.

The Blue Blur: Sneak Peak by Doodler

5 months ago

This could become the new Eternal or Necromancer. Whaddya think?

The Blue Blur: Sneak Peak by Doodler

5 months ago

All I can say is that it sounds like an interesting Fan Fic.

The Blue Blur: Sneak Peak by Doodler

5 months ago
Doodler, you are now my favorite person on the site. Please keep writing and posting more of these.

The Blue Blur: Sneak Peak by Doodler

5 months ago
Commended by JJJ-thebanisher on 1/16/2017 8:23:19 PM

Be sure to start a new paragraph every time dialogue switches between characters. Here's an example:

"Tails, how about you show me what YOU can do."

"Okay."

Also, don't put spaces between the dialogue tags and the dialogue, I fixed these in my example above. Other than that, there are some grammar and spelling errors ("Sonic's arms opened wide, and the wind blew harder, and they both dashed even faster."), and some tense and punctuation problems ("Anyways, like any villain would do, I will take over Mobioud and start using my new, high-tech computer chips so all my robots will have a intelligence of a god, hahaha!"). Be sure to run this through word or other programs with spell and grammar checks in them, as well as manually proofreading them.

The Blue Blur: Sneak Peak by Doodler

3 months ago
I'll be editing this soon!

The Blue Blur: Sneak Peak by Doodler

3 months ago
Commended by EndMaster on 3/2/2017 9:29:26 PM
Let me help with the first paragraph.



That one day, everything had changed. /// This is a strange way to start your story. What day are you referring to? 'Everything changed' is extremely vague. 'Everything had changed' means the same thing, just worded awkwardly in a way that muddles up the sentence for no apparent reason.

'One day, everything changed.' or 'Then one day, everything changed' makes more sense in isolation even if 'one day' is kind of a cliched phrase you generally want to avoid. But, as a first line it still doesn't work because you haven't yet established the other days you're comparing this one to.

Our hero did too. /// You're talking directly to the reader here. Telling, not showing, in its most literal interpretation. No characters, heroes or otherwise, have even been introduced. And this referring directly to the weird and poorly constructed first sentence doesn't do it any favors. (the hero 'changed' is I guess what you're aiming at, though that's still such a vague and meaningless thing to say without context)

It was ever since that day, that nobody could've looked up to him no longer. /// Uggh, where to start? There we go making reference to 'that day' again. The 'hero' is still just 'him' and the grammar is just mangled here. 'that nobody could've looked up to him no longer?' What? Try reading this entire sentence out loud to yourself.

'After that day, no one could ever look up to him again.' might be a more readable way to phrase it, but the larger question is why is it here at all? (Also it's likely untrue, as I doubt you're going to end your Sonic fanfic with no one ever looking up to him again.)

That day was a normal, expectional day. /// For the love of Christ, enough about 'that day'. And you mean exceptional, right? Exceptional would be the exact opposite of 'normal'.

It was Eggman up to his schemes again, trapping birds in his robotic pods. /// What do you mean, 'It was Eggman?" Going by the previous sentence, what you've written here is 'The normal, somehow also exceptional day, WAS Eggman, up to his schemes again...'

Oh, and I don't care if you know who the characters are, don't fall into the habit of assuming the reader does. Fanfic writers always cripple their stories this way. Introduce a character like you would any other character. It's necessary to the flow and pacing of the story. (This goes for encounters with things like the caterkiller and motor bugs as well. What do they look like? What are they doing? Even if you were writing a story about characters encountering non-fictional creatures like a pack of wolves, you wouldn't just skip describing them or making them any kind of threat just because you assume the reader knows what wolves look like...)

Don't underestimate Eggman, as he had a trick up his sleeve. /// Who shouldn't underestimate Eggman? The reader? Stop pausing the story to talk to the reader. Especially when the story hasn't even had a chance to start yet. Also, yes, I think we can assume the villain of the story is going to do something unexpected that presents a challenge for the protagonist to overcome, or else you wouldn't be writing a story here in the first place. There's no need to spell it out.

Your first sentence and first paragraph can be the most important part of the story. Sometimes that's the only chance you have to catch the reader's interest. The best suggestion I can offer, based on my analysis of your first paragraph, is to nuke it entirely. Start the story with the actual characters actually doing things.

And watch out for passive words like was, were, and had, they just kill any momentum the story has.

There's a lot more I could say about the rest of it, but I'll limit myself to just a couple of quick tips for your revisions.

1.) Read it slowly. Read it thoroughly. Read it out loud. Read it backwards. Do whatever you need to do to catch missing words and bizarre incoherent lines like 'Eggman smiled that gave Sonic horror in his eyes.' This is a really short bit of writing you've posted and simply not noticing things like that is not an excuse.

2.) Keep the dialogue tags and -ly adverbs and adjectives to a minimum, if you can't eliminate them altogether. 'Eggman pouted' 'Sonic laughed in joy' 'Eggman laughed diabolically.' Your writing itself should make it pretty clear who's talking and when, and as for actions, again: show, don't tell.

3.) Your dialogue is bad. Like really, really, painfully, cringeworthily bad. I don't have time to write an essay about it, so for now, maybe just use a lot less? Especially during fast paced scenes where these characters wouldn't have time to awkwardly and unnaturally ramble on at length about their every action anyhow.

The Blue Blur: Sneak Peak by Doodler

3 months ago
Thanks for all the advice! I'll start editing and send the edited version here.

The Blue Blur: Sneak Peak by Doodler

3 months ago
This is a Sonic the Hedgehog Fan-Fiction made by Doodler



Sonic and Tails dashed among the clean look of the grass, flowers, and palm trees in the Green Hills.


"Do you think that Eggman ever thinks of new ideas, I mean, all he does is robotizize everyone."
Tails the Fox asked while the wind tried to force them to stop. His bright yellow fur blew the opposite direction while he caught up with Sonic.

"I mind that,"
Sonic spiky hair waved in the air, and he concentrated on his sneakers, which had a golden buckle with red and white stripes.
"Really, I seem bored with him sometimes."

Tails tried to keep up with Sonic's incredible speed, and almost knocked him down.

"I'm not complaining. Eggman always amuses me how stupid his plans can be. Plus, he's an easy guy to deal with."
Sonic's arms opened wide, and the wind blow harder, and them both dashed even faster.

"Look! There's a Caterkiller!"
Tails shouted out, and his two tails shaking.
Sonic stopped immediately, and Tails tried to grip on the rocks and dirt

The Caterkiller glared at Tails with red eyes, and it's purple spraypaint looked pale and had dents in it. It hissed slowly, and it slithered underneath the grass, showing its sharp spikes at its back. It was going towards Sonic and his sidekick.

Sonic curled up into a furball, and charged some energy, which almost shocked Tails. Sonic roared like an engine. He generated enough static electricity, caused from rubbing himself on the ground, to push him into the Caterkiller. It blasted into pieces, with parts of the spikes drilling into the ground and metal got splashed into a nearby river.

"Do you think Eggman uses actual metal, because these robots are pretty easy to destroy."
Tails asked out of curiosity.

"I don't know Tails."
Sonic was waiting for Eggman, his arch enemy, to arrive in the flying ship he made.

Tails was thinking to himself how Sonic easily destroyed Eggman's minions.
"How do you do that Sonic?"

"It's just some effect after I used those choas emeralds a lot."

Sonic and Tails continued on their jog, feeling relaxed and happy.

"Mmm, do you like it out here Sonic?"

"There's nothing bad about it. I love it actually. It's better than being in a gym!" They came across a row of moterbugs. The robots were designed after ladybugs.

"Tails, how about you show me what YOU can do."
Sonic wanted his friend to experience fighting off the robots.
"Here, run in place."

Tails did as told, then his tails started to spin like a propeller, and all the grass that surrounded Tails started to pick up like a tornado.
"Wow!"

Tails flew up into the air jumped onto the moterbugs.
"This feels so great!"

Bundles of moterbugs were shattered into pieces and small parts, small enough to think of them as shards of cystal. The pieces were covered with smoke and dust and thrown far into the clouds.
"That was excellent!"
Sonic gave a thumbs up.

"Really, Sonic? Not as good as you."
Tails felt unconfident saying that, and Sonic knew too, but Sonic didn't comment.

"Look out!"
Sonic said abruptly.

Tails flew into the air, and Sonic picked up some steam to figure out what was happening. It was a GIANT CHICKEN ROBOT WITH HOMING MISSELS AND EGG BOMBS.

"What the heck is that monstrosity robotnik!?"
Yelled Sonic with all his might.

"I feel so illuminated, the only time I want you to call me Eggman, but nope! This chicken was part of the joke! I spent days building this, and the robots I had there were part of a distraction from my actual plan!" Eggman pouted.
"Anyways, like any Villian would do, I will take over Mobious and start using my new, high-tech computer chips so all my robots would have a intelligence of a god, ha-ha-ha!"
Eggman laughed diobolically
"Looks like the I.Q of an egg,"
Sonic laughed in joy.

"I hate your jokes. But like I was saying, I will shoot homing missels at you now!"
Eggman pushed the button.

"Sorry, but didn't need the headstart, and plus, your suppose to show and not tell what your doing." Sonic started to run fast, and go towards the robot chicken. Many egg shaped missels were getting shot out from its massive hand, but was going to lock-on.

"Are you really that bad at being bad - Oh my god - TAILS!"
Sonic tried to warn Tails, but he was too high in the clouds to hear.

"Thank you for the advice, and, he's going to stay up there."
Eggman grinned like his plan was working out perfectly. Sonic didn't know what to do, and didn't know why Tails was up there.

"Hhhhhhh"
Sonic breathed heavily. Sonic looked around and saw a spring nearby. Sonic dodged all the egg clone robots that dropped out of the back of the robot, and targeted onto the spring.
"Tails - I'll save you!."

Eggman smiled that gave Sonic horror in his eyes.

***

All characters and themes are property from SEGA.

The Blue Blur: Sneak Peak by Doodler

3 months ago
Commended by JJJ-thebanisher on 3/8/2017 11:19:22 PM
Okay I see you added some descriptions, that's good. Still needs a bit of proofreading though, I'm spotting some spelling mistakes. 'missels' instead of 'missiles', etc.

You've split the paragraphs up better for dialogue and the like so that makes it more readable. Though your dialogue still isn't quite formatted correctly. Something like:

"What the heck is that monstrosity robotnik!?"
Yelled Sonic with all his might.

Should be:

"What the heck is that monstrosity, Robotnik!?" yelled Sonic.

(I removed the 'all of his might' part, because the fact that he's yelling already implies that. Details are good but try to learn when they're unneeded or redundant.)

There's a link to a site called the Grammarly Handbook in my profile, it explains a lot of grammar and punctuation rules in a really clear and useful way so I'd really recommend spending a little time looking it over.

Though you really can't beat just opening up a book and finding examples to compare to your own writing, or reading back over your favorite stories and paying attention to what the author does and why when it comes to punctuation, introducing characters and conflicts, description, pacing, etc.

I don't have time to get into too much detail with the dialogue now, but everyone is still talking just a little too much and over explaining things. '"Anyways, like any Villian would do, I will [blah blah blah]' is really unnatural. As in, no one would actually talk like that.

Oh, and you've still got that line 'Eggman smiled that gave Sonic horror in his eyes.' that just really doesn't make any sense.

The Blue Blur: Sneak Peak by Doodler

3 months ago
Okay! I won't stop changing things until I satisfy you and all the other members!

The Blue Blur: Sneak Peak by Doodler

3 months ago
I have a question. Should dialogue be like this:
"Hi,"
said the man. ....

Or

"Hi," said the man. ....

The Blue Blur: Sneak Peak by Doodler

3 months ago

Second.

The Blue Blur: Sneak Peak by Doodler

3 months ago
Thanks!

The Blue Blur: Sneak Peak by Doodler

3 months ago
Version 3
This is a Sonic the Hedgehog Fan-Fiction made by Doodler


Sonic and Tails dashed among the clean look of the grass, flowers, and palm trees from the Green Hills.


"Does Eggman ever thinks of new ideas, I mean, all he does is robotizize everyone." Tails the Fox asked while the wind tried to force them to stop. His bright, yellow fur blew the opposite direction while he caught up with Sonic.

"I mind that," Sonic spiky, blue hair waved in the air, as he glared down at his sneakers, which had a golden buckle with red and white stripes.
"Really, I seem bored with him sometimes."

Tails tried to keep up with Sonic's incredible speed, and almost knocked him down in the process.

"I'm not complaining. Eggman always amuses me how stupid his plans can be - he's an easy guy to deal with." Sonic's arms opened wide, and the wind blew harder. They started to gain acceleration and dashed faster.

"Look! There's a Caterkiller!" Tails shouted out, and his two tails started to shake. Sonic stopped immediately, and Tails gripped on the rocks and soil.

The Caterkiller glared at Tails with red eyes, and its purple spraypaint looked pale and had dents in it. It hissed slowly, and it slithered underneath the grass, showing its sharp spikes at its back. It was going towards Sonic and his sidekick.

Sonic curled up into a furball, and charged some energy, which almost shocked Tails. Sonic roared like an engine and generated enough static electricity, to push him into the Caterkiller. It blasted into pieces, with parts of the spikes drilling into the ground and metal got splashed into a nearby river.

"Is he using plastic? These robots are pretty easy to destroy," Tails asked out of curiosity.

"I don't know Tails," Sonic waited for a surprise entrance from Eggman, his arch-enemy.

Tails thought to himself how Sonic easily destroyed Eggman's minions. Sonic and Tails continued on their jog, feeling relaxed and happy.

"Mmm, do you like it out here Sonic?"

"There's nothing bad about it. I love it actually. It's better than working in a gym!" They came across a row of moterbugs. The robots were designed after ladybugs, but couldn't fly.

"Tails, how about you show me what YOU can do." Sonic wanted his friend to experience fighting off the robots. "Here, run in place."

Tails did as told, then his tails started to spin like a propeller, and all the grass that surrounded Tails started to pick up like a tornado. "Wow!"

Tails flew up into the air and picked up the spinning moterbugs.

Bundles of moterbugs were shattered into pieces and small parts, small enough to think of them as shards of crystal. The pieces were covered with smoke and dust and thrown far into the clouds. Sonic gave a thumbs up.

"Look out!" Sonic said abruptly.

Tails flew into the air, and Sonic picked up some steam to figure out what was happening. It was a GIANT CHICKEN ROBOT WITH HOMING MISSILES AND EGG BOMBS.

"What the heck is that monstrosity, Robotnik!?" yelled Sonic.

"I feel so illuminated, the only time I want you to to call me by my ridiculous nickname, and it ruins the punchline, why else do you think I made this chicken?" Eggman pouted.

Sonic shrugged.

"Anyways, like any villian would do, I will take over Mobius and improve upon my robots!" Eggman laughed diobolically.

"You'll never be able to, you have the I.Q of an egg!" Sonic laughed.

"I hate your puns. I'll shoot these homing missiles at you now!" Eggman pushed the button.

"Sorry, but didn't need the headstart, and plus, show, don't tell." Sonic started to run fast, and go towards the robot chicken. Many oval shaped missiles were shot out from its massive hand, and targeted him.

"Are you really that bad at being bad - Oh my god - TAILS!"
Sonic tried to warn Tails, but he was too high in the clouds to hear.

"Thank you for the advice." Eggman grinned and concentrated on Sonic.

Sonic didn't know what to do, and didn't know why Tails was up there.

Sonic looked all around, and breathed heavily. Sonic looked around and saw a spring nearby. Sonic dodged all the egg clone robots that dropped out of the back of the robot, and targeted onto the spring. "Tails, I'll save you!"

Eggman's smile gave Sonic horror in his eyes.

***

All characters and themes are property from SEGA.

Edits:
Some minor spelling and grammar errors.
A different and better organizations for the paragraphs.
Heavily modified quotes.
Minor description changes.

The Blue Blur: Sneak Peak by Doodler

3 months ago

The Blue Blur: Sneak Peak by Doodler

Version 3 
This is a Sonic the Hedgehog Fan-Fiction made by Doodler 


Sonic and Tails dashed among the clean look of the grass, flowers, and palm trees from the Green Hills. 

Well, I think the wording of this sentence is its only problem. "Dashed among the clean look" doesn't sound right to me. Maybe it would be better like this: "Sonic and Tails dashed among the clean looking grass, flowers, and palm trees"


"Does Eggman ever thinks of new ideas, I mean, all he does is robotizize everyone." Tails the Fox asked while the wind tried to force them to stop. His bright, yellow fur blew the opposite direction while he caught up with Sonic. 

Needs a question mark. Overall, the detail in this chunk is satisfying. Maybe instead of saying "while the wind tried to blow them back," you could say "While the wind blew back against them, trying to push them back.

Maybe it's just me, but it looks cleaner that way.

"I mind that," Sonic spiky, blue hair waved in the air, as he glared down at his sneakers, which had a golden buckle with red and white stripes. 
"Really, I seem bored with him sometimes." 

Was he looking at his sneakers to avoid eye contact? Was he angry at them? I dunno why you'd glare at sneakers. Maybe it would sound better if you stated the reason he glared at them.

Tails tried to keep up with Sonic's incredible speed, and almost knocked him down in the process. 

"I'm not complaining. Eggman always amuses me how stupid his plans can be - he's an easy guy to deal with." Sonic's arms opened wide, and the wind blew harder. They started to gain acceleration and dashed faster.

I don't see much weong with this chunk, other then the cact that it sounds like Tails was dashing? I don't know much Sonic, so correct me if i'm wrong, but doesn't Tails fly?

"Look! There's a Caterkiller!" Tails shouted out, and his two tails started to shake. Sonic stopped immediately, and Tails gripped on the rocks and soil. 

The Caterkiller glared at Tails with red eyes, and its purple spraypaint looked pale and had dents in it. It hissed slowly, and it slithered underneath the grass, showing its sharp spikes at its back. It was going towards Sonic and his sidekick. 

Not much to say about this part. It's well worded and the detail is sufficient.

Sonic curled up into a furball, and charged some energy, which almost shocked Tails. Sonic roared like an engine and generated enough static electricity, to push him into the Caterkiller. It blasted into pieces, with parts of the spikes drilling into the ground and metal got splashed into a nearby river. 

No need for the comma after "electricity."

"Is he using plastic? These robots are pretty easy to destroy," Tails asked out of curiosity. 

"I don't know Tails," Sonic waited for a surprise entrance from Eggman, his arch-enemy. 

Tails thought to himself how Sonic easily destroyed Eggman's minions. Sonic and Tails continued on their jog, feeling relaxed and happy. 

This is a good chunk, well worded with a conversation i'd actually expect to see in a Sonic TV show.

"Mmm, do you like it out here Sonic?" 

"There's nothing bad about it. I love it actually. It's better than working in a gym!" They came across a row of moterbugs. The robots were designed after ladybugs, but couldn't fly. 

"Tails, how about you show me what YOU can do." Sonic wanted his friend to experience fighting off the robots. "Here, run in place." 

Tails did as told, then his tails started to spin like a propeller, and all the grass that surrounded Tails started to pick up like a tornado. "Wow!" 

Tails flew up into the air and picked up the spinning moterbugs. 

Bundles of moterbugs were shattered into pieces and small parts, small enough to think of them as shards of crystal. The pieces were covered with smoke and dust and thrown far into the clouds. Sonic gave a thumbs up.

Not much to say about this chunk, it's fine the way it is.

"Look out!" Sonic said abruptly. 

Tails flew into the air, and Sonic picked up some steam to figure out what was happening. It was a GIANT CHICKEN ROBOT WITH HOMING MISSILES AND EGG BOMBS. 

The caps are a bit out of place, and how did they just now notice a giant chicken robot with homing missiles and egg bombs?

"What the heck is that monstrosity, Robotnik!?" yelled Sonic. 

"I feel so illuminated, the only time I want you to to call me by my ridiculous nickname, and it ruins the punchline, why else do you think I made this chicken?" Eggman pouted. 

You never mentioned Eggman appeared. Where is he? Inside the chicken?

Sonic shrugged. 

"Anyways, like any villian would do, I will take over Mobius and improve upon my robots!" Eggman laughed diobolically. 

Villain*

"You'll never be able to, you have the I.Q of an egg!" Sonic laughed. 

"I hate your puns. I'll shoot these homing missiles at you now!" Eggman pushed the button. 

Not sure that qualifies as a pun.

"Sorry, but didn't need the headstart, and plus, show, don't tell." Sonic started to run fast, and go towards the robot chicken. Many oval shaped missiles were shot out from its massive hand, and targeted him. 

"Are you really that bad at being bad - Oh my god - TAILS!" 
Sonic tried to warn Tails, but he was too high in the clouds to hear. 

Enough detail and a good fight scene so far... why is Tails in the clouds? And you don't need to cap the O in "oh"

"Thank you for the advice." Eggman grinned and concentrated on Sonic. 

Sonic didn't know what to do, and didn't know why Tails was up there. 

Neither do I, Sonic.

Sonic looked all around, and breathed heavily. Sonic looked around and saw a spring nearby. Sonic dodged all the egg clone robots that dropped out of the back of the robot, and targeted onto the spring. "Tails, I'll save you!" 

Eggman's smile gave Sonic horror in his eyes. 

Hmmm... I rate this page a 3.5/8.

The Blue Blur: Sneak Peak by Doodler

3 months ago
Ver. 4
This is a Sonic the Hedgehog Fan-Fiction made by Doodler


Sonic and Tails dashed among the clean looking grass, flowers, and palm trees of the Green Hills.

"Does Eggman ever thinks of new ideas? I mean, all he does is robotizize everyone." Tails the Fox asked while the wind blew back against them, trying to push them back. His bright, yellow fur blew the opposite direction while he caught up with Sonic.

"I mind that," Sonic spiky, blue hair waved in the air, then he glared down at his sneakers, to see if the golden buckle on top of the red and white stripes got dirty.

"Really, I seem bored with him sometimes."

Tails tried to keep up with Sonic's incredible speed, and almost knocked him down in the process.

"I'm not complaining. Eggman always amuses me how stupid his plans can be - he's an easy guy to deal with." Sonic's arms opened wide, and the wind blew harder. They started to gain acceleration and dashed faster.

"Look! There's a Caterkiller!" Tails shouted out, and his two tails started to shake. Sonic stopped immediately, and Tails gripped on the rocks and soil.

The Caterkiller glared at Tails with red eyes, and its purple spraypaint looked pale and had dents in it. It hissed slowly, and it slithered underneath the grass, showing its sharp spikes at its back. It was going towards Sonic and his sidekick.

Sonic curled up into a furball and charged some energy, which almost shocked Tails. Sonic roared like an engine and generated enough static electricity to push him into the Caterkiller. It blasted into pieces, with parts of the spikes drilling into the ground and metal got splashed into a nearby river.

"Is he using plastic? These robots are pretty easy to destroy," Tails asked out of curiosity.

"I don't know Tails," Sonic waited for a surprise entrance from Eggman, his arch-enemy.

Tails thought to himself how Sonic easily destroyed Eggman's minions. Sonic and Tails continued on their jog, feeling relaxed and happy.

"Mmm, do you like it out here Sonic?"

"There's nothing bad about it. I love it actually. It's better than working in a gym!" They came across a row of moterbugs. The robots were designed after ladybugs, but couldn't fly.

"Tails, how about you show me what YOU can do." Sonic wanted his friend to experience fighting off the robots. "Here, run in place."

Tails did as told, then his tails started to spin like a propeller, and all the grass that surrounded Tails started to pick up like a tornado. "Wow!"

Tails flew up into the air and picked up the spinning moterbugs.

Bundles of moterbugs were shattered into pieces and small parts, small enough to think of them as shards of crystal. The pieces were covered with smoke and dust and thrown far into the clouds. Sonic gave a thumbs up. Sonic saw small animals rapidly run in front of Sonic and Tails.

"What's - look out!" Sonic said abruptly.

Tails flew into the air and tried to avoid contact with the colossal robot. Sonic picked up some steam to figure out what was happening. It was a giant chicken robot with homing missiles and egg bombs, who crept up behind them

"What the heck is that monstrosity, Robotnik!?" yelled Sonic.

"I feel so illuminated, the only time I want you to to call me by my ridiculous nickname, and it ruins the punchline, why else do you think I made this chicken?" Eggman paused from controlling the robot from the inside and pouted.

Sonic shrugged.

"Anyways, like any villain would do, I will take over Mobius and improve upon my robots!" Eggman laughed diabolically and plucked his bushy mustache.

"You'll never be able to, you have the I.Q of an egg!" Sonic laughed.

"I hate your puns." There was a silence.

"Umm, I'll shoot these homing missiles at you now!" Eggman pushed the button.

"Sorry, but didn't need the headstart, and plus, show, don't tell." Sonic started to run fast, and go towards the robot chicken. Many oval shaped missiles were shot out from its massive hand and targeted him.

"Are you really that bad at being bad - oh my god - TAILS!"
Sonic tried to warn Tails, but he was too high in the clouds to hear.

"Thank you for the advice." Eggman grinned and concentrated on Sonic.

Sonic didn't know what to do, and didn't know why Tails was up there.

Sonic looked all around, and breathed heavily. Sonic looked around and saw a spring nearby. Sonic dodged all the egg clone robots that dropped out of the back of the robot, and targeted onto the spring. "Tails, I'll save you!"

Eggman's smile gave Sonic horror in his eyes.

***

All characters and themes are property from SEGA.

Edits:
What Minnieking suggested.
Minor spelling and grammar edits.

The Blue Blur: Sneak Peak by Doodler

3 months ago
https://www.grammarly.com/blog/quotation-marks/

There's a lot of other useful info on that site too.

The Blue Blur: Sneak Peak by Doodler

3 months ago
Okay!

The Blue Blur: Sneak Peak by Doodler

3 months ago
I'm going to rewrite the middle and end so it'll be more faithful to the games.

The Blue Blur: Sneak Peak by Doodler

3 months ago
Commended by JJJ-thebanisher on 3/8/2017 11:19:37 PM
Ok, I checked over the new version. The way it's formatted now is much clearer and more inviting to read than the original version, and the punctuation and the like on the dialogue looks good.

There's still some issues with sentence structure and simply the wording used in a lot of cases that comes across as sort of awkward and amateurish, but that's something that will improve naturally with practice and time. I'm not sure how old you are but I'm assuming that's a factor, and as you read more books and expand your vocabulary and all that this stuff will come more naturally to you.

Do you have anything planned out for where the story goes from here? I'd recommend moving on and focusing on the next part for now, you can always come back and work on the earlier sections when the rough draft of the rest of the story is complete. Being able to finish a story in some ways is more practical a skill than writing a perfect one.

I'm not sure if you should worry too much about having the story exactly follow the games, either. Games like the Sonic series have so many elements that just don't make a lot of sense when translated to the real world, and your goal should be more focused on making the characters and things that happen able to be related to even by people who aren't all that into the games themselves. Basically, telling a good story should take precedent over staying faithful to the games.

The Blue Blur: Sneak Peak by Doodler

3 months ago
Heh....deleted 74 pages of work I had.