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Doom of Durahiz

3 years ago
I'm several pages ahead of this by now, but I wanted to post the intro to my contest story. I'm not begging for feedback (but it would be nice...), this is mostly for me so that I can keep updating and keep myself on track. A small but shockingly expensive ship of the Terran Astry flies through warp space, while the stars sway and ripple past the ports as though viewed through water. It carries a new kind of hyperfold engine that makes warp travel twice as fast. Every man and woman here in their neat blue and gray uniforms are proud to have been chosen to crew it; only the military and a few scientists have access to these ships, they haven’t even been cleared for civilians yet. Then, just outside the Duravian system on the last week of the trip, a routine adjustment is made in the ship’s course. Without warning the sky is tinted red and the ship begins spiraling out of hyperspace. All communication is lost. A string of explosions rips through the computers as some chaotic force tears it to sparkling silver pieces. A planet looms large on the viewscreens and the wreckage falls hurtling towards in. Wake up... You wake up. Everything is dark except for a few electrical sparks and blinking red caution lights on destroyed machinery. You try to move but there's a sharp pain in your head and the wreckage pins you down. "What happened?" you groan. You remember that your name is Clay Franklin and your were a security guard in a Terran Astry vessel, the Nick of Time. You don't know what happened but alarms had sounded and the hallways had been filled with smoke. The crash itself you don't remember and you wonder if you have a concussion. "Hello! Is anyone out there?" you yell, your throat hoarse as you realize you have no idea how long you've been unconscious. "I'm trapped under here!" It's then you hear movement overhead, and voices. Thank God, you think, I'm saved! Yelling again for help, it isn't long before a heavy piece of metal is lifted off of you. You look up and see sunlight streaming down between tall trees with long purple leaves. Aliens crowd around, they look mostly human except for having four claw tipped fingers that are a little too long, and feathers growing from their heads instead of hair. You recognize them immediately as Duravians...oh, that's right! you suddenly remember the ship had been in warp space near Duravia when the mishap occurred. Someone surely saw the crash and reported it by now. Groaning as you're pulled free, you stand unsteadily on your feet and look over the crashed ship with a wince. There’s not much left of it. "Am I really the only survivor?" That's it for now, but I have almost 2000 words already written in all!

Doom of Durahiz

3 years ago
I like it, sets up some things and I'm curious where it'll all go.

What happens next here? Is there a choice? A 'continue'? Just curious.

The writing itself looks good, Duravia sounds familiar but I don't know why, and the protagonist talking to themselves just as they wake up is totally a cliche but who cares.

I guess I could add that I like the descriptions. Also curious about how the setting will pan out in regards to the sci-fi elements.

The only potential issues I see at this point are: not finishing, or finishing something that is super linear. I guess I should toss the standard issue warning on watching the scope.

At any rate, I guess the only thing left to say is: you better keep yourself on track! Keep at it.

Doom of Durahiz

3 years ago
Thanks Zake! I'm relieved you like it, I wasn't sure if the writing is okay or not, everyone here is just so good.

I haven't made a whole lot of progress since last time, but I'm almost at the part where there aren't any other characters so I don't have to write so much dialogue and can just get on with the story.

Doom of Durahiz

3 years ago

And shoot, the internet ate my reply. My fault for not copying it first.

This is a good start. A few things I would recommend thinking about as you continue, and hopefully have time to edit:

#1 Jump right in and follow the character. There is rarely need for long exposition right at the start of the story, as most anything essential can be added in through character thoughts, diologue, interactions, etc. later on. If you cut your first two paragraphs and started with 'you wake up' the scene would be more tense. The player would feel the disorientation a bit more of not knowing what was going on. The player could recall with the character and discover with the character, which will set up a stronger sense of immersion and flow from the get-go. Alternatively, you could go the route of showing him about his typical day, and then having the crash happen. This would also increase immersion and give the player more reason to root for the character. But starting with a sort of meta-description of what is going on distances the player from the story and also ruins some later chances for discovering what really happened.

#2 Reframe description, where possible, from the viewpoint of the character. 

For example, instead of "A small but shockingly expensive ship of the Terran Astry flies through warp space, while the stars sway and ripple past the ports as though viewed through water." you could have something more like,
"You pause from your routine security patrol to appreciate the dappled light coming in from the port window. Flying though hyperspace never gets old. Unlike normal travel through a still, endless void, here space feels like a living, breathing thing. The stars sway and ripple past. The spaceship gently rocks beneath your feet as it sails."

#3 Make description work for you in terms of pacing by simplifying it when you want things to be action packed, and longer/more sensory when you want moments of wonder. For example, the bit about the stars swaying is great and shows the wonder of hyperspace, but the first half of the sentence is bogged down. It tries to pack in too much information (It's small, it belongs to the Terran Astry, its really expensive) but actually leads to more questions. What does small mean - one manned yacht or space cruiser? What's the framework for expensive in the future? 

#4 Make description and exposition work for you in terms of characterization. The same information can be conveyed in terms of the personality, perspective, or aspirations of the character.

For example, instead of just saying the ship is shockingly expensive or the tech is new:

"The next stop on your rounds is the propulsion center, where you can see the new hyperfold engine at work behind it's various safety shields. You whistle below your breath - that experimental piece of tech probably cost more just to turn on than you could make in twenty life times."
 

Doom of Durahiz

3 years ago
Lol I guess I better follow your advice since it's your contest. But for now I'm going to keep adding to what I have and I'll go back and with on the beginning if I have time.