Tenth Doctor Tales

@Bucky
Torch is a Brit's way of saying flashlight.

What the others said. This was like something written and posted on a coffee break. You need some actual story here, and some choices.

"You need some actual story here, and some choices," she says. <<< The correct way to write out dialogue, by the way.

That wasn't a story because it was only a dozen pages long and I have no idea why the Doctor chooses me to hang out with him, I assume that and the actual story will follow in parts 2-50 :)

"You curiously pick up a torch and put on a Rugby Union shirt over your flannel pajama pants, than walk out to your backyard, armed with a kitchen knife."

Didn't realize I had spare torches pre-lit and scattered around my bedroom. Also, why am I putting a shirt over my pants!?!

Jests aside, this isn't a CYOA because it is completely linear and lacking in choices. Don't split your story into parts, especially if its only a 1/8 or 2/8 in length to begin with. I also get the overwhelming impression that the consistent references to rugby and football are the writer's unwillingness to separate himself from the protagonist - since they were the only things mentioned in detail and were irrelevant to the story. That's a good indicator that in a longer or more fleshed out work that the writer is making Mary Sue characters.

Don't rush your story. Bigger isn't always better, but you need to let the reader make actual decisions in a CYOA. Take your time, flesh out the plot, make meaningful choices for the reader. I know it's exciting to hit the publish button, but writing a story is a process that takes time.