A Chosen Hero

So, first off, I want to say that you had absolutely phenomenal world-building. Its very clear you sat and thought this out to the point where it was fully fleshed out. I found myself actively wanting to read all of the background links and be drawn further into this world. Whether it be small things such as meeting Raven or as important as the dreams with Alessa, I was always interested.

Now, after that, I'm gonna get the negatives out of the way. First off: As has been mentioned in other comments, the first page is the most egregious of the mistakes when it comes to grammar. There are a few pages that have minor misspellings or incorrect punctuation but it in no way prevents this from being an enjoyable and immersive story. I suggest just taking a little time to go over and edit this because there isn't much and it'd make this already good story into something great. Other than that, my main issue is the lack of a proper conclusion. Mind you, for these reviews I only do one ending (bar any pre-mature deaths) in order to see that the path I chose still feels cohesive. So where I ended, a lot was unresolved. The war was still raging on, we don't know whether the princess will survive or not (though it is seemingly implied she's alive?), and we don't ever have a confrontation between the members of the first mission and having to capture the princess. All in all, I do feel like that could've been handled a bit better, even if you still planned to leave it on a cliff hanger.

Now on to the positives outside of world building. The characters were interesting (although a bit under utilized) and I enjoyed how each of them were fleshed out. They had unique personalities that allowed for them to feel believable inside the world you created. This also allowed for me to feel immersed in the story, which is exactly the goal of writing something in general. Stories are a form of escapism and this is absolutely doing that task. being immersed allowed me to feel the story and what the characters were experiencing! That connection is so vital to a good story. Now, as the last thing I want to touch on, it feels a bit underwhelming but is arguably the driving force of this story. The set-pieces fit so well and are described in a way that makes them easy to picture and gives the story a nice flow to it. Scenery is something I find difficult to utilize personally so seeing you actually be able to craft scenes in the way you do is really awesome.

Overall, not bad! I definitely think this is worth a read and if it is ever edited/updated I will definitely go through it again!

The overall writing quality is superb, but the opening page is poorly done. Since I’ve read Ebon’s featured story, The Lost Realm, I knew the opening would not be reflective of the overall piece. Still, it’s pretty bad. To be honest, if I didn’t read Ebon’s writing before I’d probably stop reading here. Luckily, it gets better. Way better.

A couple things that I must applaud Ebon for is his world building and descriptors. The CYOA writing style makes it easy to fall into bland clusterf*ck of “you” actions (you go here, you feel bad, etc.). It is not so with A Chosen Hero. Right away I’m thrust into a world of rigorous training, which shows the importance of the main character and his father. It also shows that they (more importantly, the MC) have the skillset and characteristics of a hero. Granted knowledge isn’t necessarily a heroic trait on its own, but the discipline behind it is. As for world building, I’m a fan of both natural introduction and deeper, in-depth background pages. This story has both. Yay.

The cabin in the woods story made it seem like a fairy tale. It involves a mysterious cabin, a man that no one’s heard of or seen, a princess, and the illusionary element of safety. Not to mention the poor choices made by children, but I guess that’s expected. Kids are fucking stupid. The MC isn’t, but I understand that the thrill and company of the princess could’ve outweighed common sense.

As far as introducing conflict and progressing the story, A Chosen Hero excelled. I enjoyed the sudden shift from fairy tale perfection into absolute nightmare. And can I just mention the text change while reading your father’s note is a cool element to include. Anyways, the beginning story is blissful happiness until things go very wrong, very fast. The dynamic character shift of Alessa was a ‘fun’ journey too.

Overall it’s an intriguing story done masterfully in a CYOA format. Worth reading.

Unfinished game

Right off the rip, a lot of grammatical errors, as well as a lot of basic words repeated extensively, sometimes in the same sentence that verged on the edge of redundancy. I would have loved to have seen more thought put into some stronger, or just different, words instead of the same simple ones used over and over again to describe things. Most sentence structures were the same- not much varied, so although it made sentences easy to read, it gave no depth. The lack of correct comma placement, or even the lack of commas most of the time, did make it distracting to me as someone who reads with the character in mind. I like to be immersed in my stories, and I did not get that here. Many misuses or misspellings of words, such as interchanging the spelling of Ashyr and Asher or “hop” instead of “hope,” which was sometimes confusing if I was not paying attention well enough.
As the story continued on, you could see *some* attempt made of better sentence structures, better character descriptions, better scene settings, etc, but it often fell flat until we got into the nitty gritty of the story. The storyline itself is phenomenal, but it comes across as you weren’t really feeling it until the part where Erron has to make his choice. Then you see the entire work start to shift. You seem more engaged with your writing, and the story becomes MUCH stronger, and much more exciting. The grammar is still horrendous, but the effort to paint the picture you’re trying to show is clearly there. I would have loved to have seen more character development amongst Erron, but also would have loved to have had Alessa’s backstory and where she has been explained more.
Honorable mention-- I don’t understand why it’s a story game, and every choice isn’t a choice at all. I made it all the way through to the end after choosing the blessing option in the original choice, and all the choices were either the correct answer or death, or just one choice to continue in general. Would have loved to have seen some more variety in choices other than “play on” or “boring, not well scripted death.”
Overall, grammatical hell on actual Earth, and not as strong as I’ve seen some of your other works be. You’ve been better before, and I wish you would put more energy and life in to your stories from the very beginning instead of butchering it until the story gets interesting.

Very linear as others have said.

i was not expecting the twist at the end 9/10

It started off great. Nice plot. BUT, the ending was quite abrupt. SPOILER ALERTSPOILER ALERTSPOILER ALERTSPOILER ALERTSPOILER ALERTSPOILER ALERTSPOILER ALERTSPOILER ALERTSPOILER ALERTSPOILER ALERTSPOILER ALERTSPOILER ALERTSPOILER ALERT

Is there a way to avoid dying while on the mission? Could someone tell me if there is? thanks ~ dotohdot

It’s a good story but very linear

Not really a choice story when only one choice let's you continue reading.

I enjoyed the story. It was adequately fleshed out and had suitable thoughts, emotions, maturity, and everything else a human would feel throughout life. The options were also realistic to a degree and I found myself experiencing the story with my own mind and body. Excellent work!