A Dog's Life

a Fan Fiction by CapturedNecko22

Commended by BerkaZerka on 9/21/2019 9:13:49 AM

Player Rating5.53/8

"#113 overall, #4 for 2013"
based on 580 ratings since 10/25/2016
played 1,945 times (finished 189)

Story Difficulty2/8

"walk in the park"

Play Length2/8

"So short yo' momma thought it was a recipe"

Maturity Level4/8

"need to be accompanied by an adult"
Contains content that may not be suitable for persons under age 13. If this were a movie, it would probably be PG.

This is the story about a dog. You're the dog, (Labrador) and the choices you make affect your life. This is my first story on here and I hope you like it. If there's any mistakes/bugs, comment them, please.

Player Comments

You surprised me. I have to say, when I started this story I thought it would be a bit basic and short, but it was both longer and more interesting than I initially thought. Animals can be hard to write about unless you anthropomorphise them to some extent. If it's done badly, you end up with widely hated series like the WC World. Ugh. If you do it well, you get what this story showed hints of now and then. There was real emotion poured into this in parts, even if the plot was a little linear (then again, you're not going to have some incredibly intricate chronology of betrayals and twists in a story about a dog, so that's to be expected and it's fine!). I got the good ending, and while I won't spoil it, I have to say it really did make me feel. I won't say what I felt, as even that might spoil it, but well done.
What I most liked was how you captured that kind of innocent thought pattern that so suits the dog perspective. A few examples:
'The woman and boy came. You learned the both their names, Mom and Greg.'
'?Greg had decided to give her some gold. And that thus made her want to live with him.'
Onto the criticism. I thought that some of the writing was a little bland. There were mistakes every so often, not anywhere near as bad as the worst I've seen though, and the dialogue felt a little wooden and robotic. Maybe try to imagine what your character is like, then what they'd say to whatever they're replying to with their personality in mind. Oh, and remember to use a comma when finishing dialogue in a way that continues on the sentence (e.g: '"Look at me! I'm being developed as a character," screamed Tina with a sudden burst of break dancing.'). Reading it out loud helps too for this, as well as the general flow of everything. Watch out for 'your' and 'you're', but that's a fairly easy mistake. While it doesn't need scripting, I'd say maybe some of the options could do with being one click only (memories later on in the story or the choices to go to the creek etc. at the start, for example). Also, maybe add a sex you can pick; there were a few examples where the story was a little compromised:
'"We neutered (him/her) so that we could stop overpopulation." the woman said.' Some things are best left to the imagination too; I don't think the whole 'overpopulation' thing is necessary in speech.
All in all, a really nice story and I enjoyed it:)
-- AzBaz on 6/21/2017 4:27:45 AM with a score of 0
This wasn't bad by any means but the story was too formulaic and the dog's perspective wasn't nuanced. You could have used the dog's point of view as a real tool in the writing, but you didn't. You needed to rely more on body language and less on verbal communication. The actual writing could use some work too. Also, I don't think you used the memories angle as well as Sethaniel did and I'd rather not see this writing type become a fad.

That being said, it was better than average and a great start! I'm excited to see what you make next.
-- JJJ-thebanisher on 3/23/2014 7:41:51 PM with a score of 0
I don't think you did a very accurate job of depicting the inner workings of a dog's brain, and I lament the fact that you switched between 1st and 3rd person narration a couple of times; but my most significant issue is with the fact that you include human dialogue, then say that the player character doesn't understand it. That messes with immersion. That said, it was totally acceptable for a first story, by virtue of the fact that the concept was good and the writing was well enough.
-- Loon on 1/20/2013 6:46:13 PM with a score of 0
Wow this was so well thought out, and really had a dogs perspective! Loved it.
-- pegleg on 1/13/2020 12:57:12 PM with a score of 0
I love this Spoiler alert: at first i was kinda sad that the dog got taken away from the mother but then i was happy that he got adopted and even happier when he protected his owner. I had kinda mixed feelings about the dog killing Tommy but in the end I was glad he did. I am glad that he had a happy ending for me.
-- storytime82128 on 10/30/2019 3:05:25 AM with a score of 0
It was a pretty good story, well written I guess. But, there were a lot of spelling mistakes and grammar mistakes. It seemed like it was not proofread. But the story was pretty good, so I give it a 3.
-- StupidManatee on 8/16/2019 10:39:25 AM with a score of 0
It was gut
-- Diejuden on 3/29/2019 7:04:25 PM with a score of 0
This story was very sweet and enjoyable. It could have used life experience points- the more you explore the world, the richer your experience was, but only a minor improvement.
-- amoralmushroom on 3/13/2019 7:07:06 PM with a score of 0
I loved it!
-- Darksonglove_4 on 10/26/2018 10:47:37 PM with a score of 0
it wasn't that good
-- sofi on 7/17/2018 1:30:53 AM with a score of 0
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