A Dog's Life

a Fan Fiction by CapturedNecko22

Commended by BerkaZerka on 9/21/2019 9:13:49 AM

Player Rating5.50/8

"#119 overall, #3 for 2013"
based on 600 ratings since 10/25/2016
played 2,292 times (finished 213)

Story Difficulty2/8

"walk in the park"

Play Length2/8

"So short yo' momma thought it was a recipe"

Maturity Level4/8

"need to be accompanied by an adult"
Contains content that may not be suitable for persons under age 13. If this were a movie, it would probably be PG.

This is the story about a dog. You're the dog, (Labrador) and the choices you make affect your life. This is my first story on here and I hope you like it. If there's any mistakes/bugs, comment them, please.

Player Comments

You surprised me. I have to say, when I started this story I thought it would be a bit basic and short, but it was both longer and more interesting than I initially thought. Animals can be hard to write about unless you anthropomorphise them to some extent. If it's done badly, you end up with widely hated series like the WC World. Ugh. If you do it well, you get what this story showed hints of now and then. There was real emotion poured into this in parts, even if the plot was a little linear (then again, you're not going to have some incredibly intricate chronology of betrayals and twists in a story about a dog, so that's to be expected and it's fine!). I got the good ending, and while I won't spoil it, I have to say it really did make me feel. I won't say what I felt, as even that might spoil it, but well done.
What I most liked was how you captured that kind of innocent thought pattern that so suits the dog perspective. A few examples:
'The woman and boy came. You learned the both their names, Mom and Greg.'
'?Greg had decided to give her some gold. And that thus made her want to live with him.'
Onto the criticism. I thought that some of the writing was a little bland. There were mistakes every so often, not anywhere near as bad as the worst I've seen though, and the dialogue felt a little wooden and robotic. Maybe try to imagine what your character is like, then what they'd say to whatever they're replying to with their personality in mind. Oh, and remember to use a comma when finishing dialogue in a way that continues on the sentence (e.g: '"Look at me! I'm being developed as a character," screamed Tina with a sudden burst of break dancing.'). Reading it out loud helps too for this, as well as the general flow of everything. Watch out for 'your' and 'you're', but that's a fairly easy mistake. While it doesn't need scripting, I'd say maybe some of the options could do with being one click only (memories later on in the story or the choices to go to the creek etc. at the start, for example). Also, maybe add a sex you can pick; there were a few examples where the story was a little compromised:
'"We neutered (him/her) so that we could stop overpopulation." the woman said.' Some things are best left to the imagination too; I don't think the whole 'overpopulation' thing is necessary in speech.
All in all, a really nice story and I enjoyed it:)
-- AzBaz on 6/21/2017 4:27:45 AM with a score of 0
This wasn't bad by any means but the story was too formulaic and the dog's perspective wasn't nuanced. You could have used the dog's point of view as a real tool in the writing, but you didn't. You needed to rely more on body language and less on verbal communication. The actual writing could use some work too. Also, I don't think you used the memories angle as well as Sethaniel did and I'd rather not see this writing type become a fad.

That being said, it was better than average and a great start! I'm excited to see what you make next.
-- JJJ-thebanisher on 3/23/2014 7:41:51 PM with a score of 0
I don't think you did a very accurate job of depicting the inner workings of a dog's brain, and I lament the fact that you switched between 1st and 3rd person narration a couple of times; but my most significant issue is with the fact that you include human dialogue, then say that the player character doesn't understand it. That messes with immersion. That said, it was totally acceptable for a first story, by virtue of the fact that the concept was good and the writing was well enough.
-- Loon on 1/20/2013 6:46:13 PM with a score of 0
-- w0lfwrit3r56783 on 4/22/2020 5:06:08 PM with a score of 0
This is so good. I love it.
-- Mia on 4/12/2020 3:35:16 PM with a score of 0

I'm not really sure how I feel about this one. The overall story was decent and actually enjoyable, but the small details from grammar to character were off-putting enough to distract me from the story.

First, I'll go over the formatting and English issues I saw.

The first thing I noticed after the first few pages was that there *seemed* to be a lot of choices. I was excited that the story was going to have a lot of branching and many different endings based on what you chose, but then I remembered this is a 2/8 and found out most of the choices don't matter. That was a little disappointing.

I noticed a lot of grammatical errors as well. The most noticeable things are that the narration switches constantly from past to present tense then back and that the narration switches from 2nd to 1st person a lot. The second person narration is actually pretty good for the most part, but then the 1st person disrupts the immersion completely. You also use a lot of commas where they shouldn't be. When there's a compound predicate in a sentence (ex: You walked to the store and bought bread.) you often use commas before the conjunction. A comma should not be used in this instance. You also misuse ellipses a couple times that I noticed, using them at the end of complete pages instead of to omit text or show that the narrator is trailing off. The sentence structure could also have used some work. It's often choppy to read because of the same sentence structure over and over.

As for formatting, you often had very short pages with only one link on them. These pages could easily have been added onto other pages to make it seem much less linear. You also had a few times when the use of variables would have been very nice. The pages where you have a list of memories to relive really could have used variables.

Now for the story content itself.

Like I said earlier, I enjoyed the plot of this story. It seemed pretty well thought out, it was just the small details within it that put me off. At the beginning, you suddenly know what humans are even though you were never really given what they're called or what they do. This inconsistency is a common theme throughout the story, so I won't comment on it too much other than that you need to make sure everything makes sense. Speaking of making sense, several of the things that happen don't make any sense at all. The house that's on fire is unlocked, but I'll let that slide. What I will *not* let slide is that you, a puppy, dragged an adult woman out of the house by yourself even though you wouldn't have known she was in any danger and you had no real reason to understand the situation or to drag her out. You also bite Tommy twice (then literally kill him) and don't get put down or taken to the pound for that, which is strange.

Now for characters. I would have liked to see more development with the mother and the other pups so that the protagonist would have a little more emotional attachment to them, but it's ok as it is. Mom doesn't show up much at all except for meaningless interactions after her initial scene. Greg and Tina's romance is a nice subplot that I would have liked to see developed more thoroughly, though this is a dog's story, not theirs. My biggest gripe was with the character of Tommy. It's strange because sometimes he and Greg seem like best friends, but sometimes like they're mortal enemies. Tommy is characterized as a kid who's just a little misguided for most of the book, then he suddenly is a psychopath that kills dogs and girls who don't love him. That could have been built up so much better. Signs could have been dropped here and there showing his tendencies and possibility of erratic behavior. The interactions between characters are sometimes weird as well, specifically the dialogue.

For my final thoughts, this was alright for a first storygame, but it could have been a lot better. The small details within the plot and the writing just needed some ironing out and a lot of proofreading.
-- Megumeme on 2/3/2020 6:30:54 PM with a score of 0
Wow this was so well thought out, and really had a dogs perspective! Loved it.
-- pegleg on 1/13/2020 12:57:12 PM with a score of 0
I love this Spoiler alert: at first i was kinda sad that the dog got taken away from the mother but then i was happy that he got adopted and even happier when he protected his owner. I had kinda mixed feelings about the dog killing Tommy but in the end I was glad he did. I am glad that he had a happy ending for me.
-- storytime82128 on 10/30/2019 3:05:25 AM with a score of 0
It was a pretty good story, well written I guess. But, there were a lot of spelling mistakes and grammar mistakes. It seemed like it was not proofread. But the story was pretty good, so I give it a 3.
-- StupidManatee on 8/16/2019 10:39:25 AM with a score of 0
It was gut
-- Diejuden on 3/29/2019 7:04:25 PM with a score of 0
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