a Horror by Steve24833 and Malkalack

Commended by BerkaZerka on 9/21/2019 9:21:52 AM

Player Rating5.75/8

"#120 overall, #10 for 2016"
based on 200 ratings since 11/14/2018
played 1,557 times (finished 34)

Story Difficulty5/8

"run through the jungle"

Play Length6/8

"It'll be a while, better grab a SnickersĀ®"

Maturity Level7/8

"anything goes"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 18. If this were a movie, it would probably be R.

Take control of Samuel, a young man thrust into a world of bloodthirsty creatures of the night, howling beasts cursed by the moon, horrifying demons and worse.

This is our entry for Bucky's 2016 Halloween Contest. Enjoy!

Player Comments

I should start by addressing the numerous dialogue issues. More than likely, this is due to the presence of two authors. I'm assuming one of you is a little less skilled than the other, hence why we have numerous cases of periods blocking dialogue tags, commas pre-tensing action tags, etc.

Onto the positives!

I really appreciate how traditional of a CYOA this is. There are so many options. It doesn't follow a linear story, you can join the vampires, become a hunter, and more. Each path was delightfully long but not overly so, just enough to enjoy the pure ecstasy that comes from this dark world our protagonist inhabits.

The descriptions were brief, but detailed enough. Side characters had difficulty showcasing their own, individual personalities, which I suspect is due to them not actually having any. They were two-dimensional, serving their purpose only as long as the plot demands it, with no sense of them being real people.

Though I appreciate the vast array of routes, once you became locked into a specific route, choices were incredibly sparse. The Vampire Hunter route must have had twenty pages of nothing but single-link continuations. What if I didn't want to go back to the church? What if I didn't want to investigate the pounding? Apparently that doesn't matter, because I was never given a choice on it.

Some creative ideas were toyed around with, such as the concept of vampires being damned. These were only used near the end of any specific route, thankfully, and so, while never reaching their apex, kept the reader invested enough in the story.

Now the length is this story's real downfall. My favorite route, the Vampire Hunter route, ended just when things got good. I wanted to invade Hell, usurp Satan, etc. A battle that stretches for eons. There should've at least been a final choice and an epilogue, and I would have been happy.

Overall, this is an excellent story and I can see why it was featured. It's a perfect dark-fantasy action storyline.
-- henshaw_13 on 6/15/2018 4:24:10 PM with a score of 0
There are obviously some flaws here; both of you were too busy blowing each other to proofread (or whatever "rushing" for the "deadline" is supposed to be a euphemism for...) and there's the issues with how linear it is. But I know you're both aware of all this already so I don't see any reason to go on about it.

(And to be fair 'linearity' only gets brought up due to the nature of the contest. Taking the story as a whole there are two major, completely separate paths here, perfectly respectable for a CYOA even if there's not a lot of variation once you're on them.)

Really, none of the issues were distracting enough to take away from the fact this was an entertaining, action packed story that did some very cool things with the subject matter. Vampires are almost as bad as zombies sometimes in the way they're overused and abused by pop culture, but you guys gave them their dignity back here.

Steve's path reminded me in some ways of Path of Death, though Count Grey is a far eviler fuck than the necromancer ever was. The linearity was there, but disguised well with lots of ways to screw up and die. (Which does make a certain amount of sense given the character's line of work...) I was told what the choice in the beginning would be before I started reading, but the choice was written here in a way that made a lot more sense for the character than I thought possible.

Malk's suffered a little more obviously from being written in a hurry with the sparsity of choices, but what's there is so unique and cool. I am seriously in love with this setting. Malk, if you're not all vampired out by now I would love to see this or something similar expanded into a longer story to do some of these ideas justice.
-- mizal on 11/7/2016 12:34:03 AM with a score of 0
Well, this is certainty the best of the contest entries, but it might be because there is only two. :(
First, the two writing styles really are quite different between Steve and Malk, though a very prominent similarity would be the linear nature of both stories. Nonetheless, the deadline caused this (and the lack of a thorough proofreading as well).
As for the story, I liked Steve's section more. (It is the one where you are with the vampire.) The only blaring problem was that: A. I have to serve the vampire who murdered my family. B. I'm forced to be a murderous arse to live. Most of my concern is with B actually. He murders in order to live (since vampires need blood). I murder to stay alive (since he'll kill me if I don't do what he says). Of course, I could refuse and die, but I want to continue with the story. Nonetheless, I have no more sympathy for the protagonist, for he is now a vampire in all but name.
However, the assault on the castle/fine battle in Steve's storyline. It was quite exhilarating. I don't want to spoil it, but it's essentially a chaotic melee with more than one faction.
My favorite aspect of Malk's storyline was his concept. After seeing his family murdered in front of his eyes, he becomes a vampire killer. The writing was strong though unpolished in comparison to Steve's, but Steve is one of the site's most successful authors (which means you did better than almost anyone else, Malk).
Anyway, I hope you publish more storygames, Malk. Steve, I look foreword to your next endeavor. :)
-- WouldntItBeNice on 11/2/2016 11:28:14 PM with a score of 0
Very good story! Grammar is wrong in some places, but overall not too bad. However, I wish that in this story there was a better path for becoming a vampire hunter. All paths in vampire hunter lead to death or that one end path. 7/8
-- juse73x on 8/20/2020 7:29:19 PM with a score of 0
I loved the detail and adventure. However, I would like for there to be more options. Most of the paths I took had only one option. Besides that, the storygame is great.
-- DarkwynInTheWind on 11/21/2019 4:58:57 PM with a score of 0
I won't murder your family he said. I'm doing the right thing, he said. I keep the terrible things that go bump in the night away, he said. All I require of the people is blood and money, he said. You work for me now, he said.
-- DerPrussen on 6/23/2019 5:58:49 PM with a score of 0
It's short that I can't even feel good then it stop.duh
-- Kuro on 3/6/2019 4:50:40 AM with a score of 0
Stick with living with the Vampire... I mean it!
-- Geordie on 2/27/2019 6:18:54 AM with a score of 0
Quite alright.
-- Geordie on 2/26/2019 8:52:10 AM with a score of 0
"No man left behind". I don't think it should work here but my immediate thought was to stay in the coach and burn with the wolves
-- WritingStories on 11/5/2018 10:28:42 AM with a score of 0
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