Player Comments on Conquest: Chapter I

There's many good things about this storygame that made it very enjoyable, but there were also a few downsides.

One thing I did not like was that it was another chapter one with no chapter two or three or anything. Please, publish a complete storygame, because I want to know what happened and how it really ended, and not just part of a storygame.

Like October said, I liked how there were multiple endings, because it's a nice change of pace to have branching and actual choices in a storygame.

The length was nothing special, but there were quite a number of links and pages and there was quite a bit of writing.

However, I did not like how it was a bit linear. Sometimes I was a bit cofused because it was hard to understand what was going on with the transitions from one event to another.

-- MinnieKing on 3/21/2017 8:48:34 PM
I like that you've included multiple endings in this storygame, and choices that lead to different outcomes. This is how storygames should be, however unfortunately it's not always the case on CYS.

With that said, there was a lot wrong with this.

The grammar is dodgy. To give just one example, in the sentence, "There was a Great War that once plagued the land when it was once worth something, now its like the giant version of a New York allyway, nothing but trouble." you use "its" instead of "it's", misspell "alleyway", and use the word "once" twice. You also capitalise "Great War" and refer to it as "a Great War" rather than "the Great War", suggesting that a Great War is a name (like World War II for example) rather than a description of a big war - this is okay, but you proceed to not give any details about this Great War, which leads me to my next point.

You leave a lot unexplained. What happened in the Shayr War? Who are all these characters you're introducing?

The choices sometimes lead to unexpected and unlikely consequences. Clicking on "get a job" gets you killed for looking at a gem. How is the reader meant to foresee this happening?

Finally, what is a car doing in a fantasy storygame?
-- October on 3/3/2013 1:14:14 PM
To be honest I kind of find it annoying when games are short because they're separated into chapters, (unless of course they're all really long chapters.) Also I was real confused half way through, 'cos the game had demons and necromancers and penniless street urchins, so I kind of assumed it was a high fantasy game. Then the demons threw me in their car, so apparently I was wrong.
-- Briar_Rose on 11/20/2012 3:08:04 PM
Has the basis for an interesting story, but lasts like 5 minutes. Would rather have a complete saga or long chapter than this little background info excerpt. I did get the searcher ending, wasn't too hard. Really just left me feeling incomplete everything was short with little detail, couldn't get into it much.
-- Zdudezy on 5/12/2017 6:43:38 AM
Really inventive make 2 now
-- Jacob on 3/30/2017 1:08:55 AM
The back story and era needs a little working on. There's little description, but I suppose the story is okay.
-- Crescentstar on 6/28/2016 11:54:56 AM
Very Intresting little short and hope #2 comes sooner than later
-- The_Dungeon_Master on 2/28/2016 12:40:28 AM
I just chose random choices and I won >.<
-- CurseOfTime on 2/18/2016 7:12:48 PM
On my first try, I got a random death by trying to get a job.
-- TheBossWriter on 12/19/2015 6:02:06 PM
Too easy
-- AthenaT on 4/19/2015 2:51:26 PM
All in all good, realy short, but good
-- Dmanxbox on 4/13/2015 2:14:02 AM
Arrrgh! Stupid broken-up chapters and cliff-hangers
-- Reader on 4/3/2015 9:29:00 PM
Haha I got the secret ending first try thank you normal ingenuity.
-- Fableheath on 3/11/2015 3:28:30 PM
That was an amazing game, but I died like 5 times.
-- Jasmine on 1/14/2015 11:53:30 PM
please make more
-- zeke86198 on 8/16/2014 12:33:01 AM
-- red on 6/13/2014 12:48:06 PM
This might work out as the basis for a longer story but at the moment it is very short and even with the two branches the events move on so quickly that you don't have time to reflect on anything before it ends.

Flesh it out, slow down the pace a little and make it much much longer then you could have a really good story
-- FeanorOnForge on 7/5/2013 4:17:23 PM
great game. cant wait till the next one
-- EragonMax490 on 2/20/2013 3:07:58 PM
This game stinks and is too short. You should make it longer or try not to make it where you die so easily. I could beat that so easily...
-- 99cguya on 12/9/2012 2:44:08 PM
This was far too linear and only diverges in one place. It should definitely not be so fraught with dichotomies of "continue or die", especially when the reader can't be reasonably expected to know which is which. Aside from that, there was no character development or motivation present and the "plot" moved far too quickly for any semblance of immersion. This kind of story is really prevalent; the author had a great idea for a massive fantastical world but then decided that writing something great is too much work and instead decided to write it off as 'his first story' and thus rather effort-free. It's not that the author lacks potential, rather he just gave up on making anything of quality here.
-- JJJ-thebanisher on 11/20/2012 1:53:19 PM
So I got both endings... meh.
-- Zane on 11/16/2012 10:08:40 PM
Wood, searcher ending! Could you send it in the messages here, I don't want my email floating around online. When will the next one be out?
-- Amy2 on 10/21/2012 9:28:39 PM
Kind of disappointing that I don't tell my name and spontaneously combust. That's not how a good story should go.
-- PotatoUnlimited on 9/1/2012 1:11:35 PM
i got the searcher ending
-- bells23 on 8/16/2012 5:46:17 PM
Hurray I got the seeker ending. I hope there's more.
-- vanilor on 4/22/2012 5:46:46 PM
I mean searcher. Sorry
-- betaband on 4/19/2012 5:54:34 PM
I got socceror ending. Don't email. Send message to my account
-- betaband on 4/19/2012 5:53:44 PM
searcher ending.
-- summy99 on 4/16/2012 8:27:59 PM
It's nice oh and you put rejoyce, instead of rejoice. Very nice but can you elaborate on stuff and put more action? I hope this doesn't offend you, it's a really great story but if you can make those changes it's definetly a story I would read.
-- PsyKik on 1/27/2012 10:06:27 PM
-- Killer999 on 10/12/2011 9:55:57 AM
it seemed way to short and was very confusing,
(spolier)All i got from the story was my dad is a crazy sonofa***** and also is a demon. and who is the demon lady?
-- Fireplay on 9/28/2011 2:21:35 PM
i like it. i hope the second one is longer though.
-- SEULaw on 9/17/2011 4:46:26 AM
Why would getting a job mean death? Damn stuipd.
-- bradhal on 9/11/2011 7:54:03 AM
-- Danzis on 8/30/2011 9:54:43 PM
kalun approves.
-- kalun on 8/27/2011 11:40:19 PM
Queen ending was great. Although i felt that you didn't put in enough "filler". That is why everything seemed to speed by at 80 mph to me. I only got a glimpse of what the story couldv'e been. Add to what you have now before you start the second part. I suggest that when you are starting the second part have the first page have the question of " Wich ending did you have on part one?" and then go on from there. Add a lot more endings and paths AFTER you have added some meat to the bones of this story. Other than the lack of filler this was a great story and i had a good time reading it. I would like to see the updated version of this soon. :)good job .
-- alienalpha on 7/21/2011 1:30:46 AM
I thought it was good. I got the seacher ending my first try then I got the queen then the my dad has the sphere. Also could you make it clear next time you are a girl.

-- cool74 on 7/19/2011 2:27:15 AM
Not bad, I think the events need to be more streatched out. The whole thing moves to quickly. You introduce new characters in the blink of an eye, you find out they are important without warning. there isnt an appropriate amount of set up for the major events in the story. You need to work on your build up.
-- ugilick on 7/9/2011 2:29:17 PM
Searcher ending. A bit linear at times, but other than that, well done. 5/8
-- RiterOfWrandom on 7/7/2011 10:07:20 AM
really fun!
-- mollymoonthorn on 7/6/2011 9:38:44 PM
It was... different, but not bad. Are you on other story writing sites?
-- ThisisBo on 7/6/2011 8:15:09 PM
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