Player Comments on Conquest: Chapter I

Spoiler alert! Some of the following lines may spoiler you for the upcoming storygame.

First I want to tell you that plot wise I really like what you did. The endings all made sense and would ultimately lead to the same events just from three different perspectives. Or two guessing the searcher end and the other one where you don't meet the female demon could lead to the same path.

The biggest problem with this game is the fact that it's so short. It is only just the beginning of a potentially great story. But it is just a chapter of a book. Like reading just the prologue of a story, deciding to never read it to the end. That is really a shame because this has a lot of potential to be a fantastic story.

I did not notice any grammatical errors, but I'm no native speaker so that means basically I can't be sure there are none.

The pages weren't too well described. I did not get a lot of an Idea how my surroundings looked like, but the dialogues and the characters themselves seemed quite fascinating and made me want to read more.

The death with the looking for a job however seems awfully random. Why would someone kill me for looking at a gem?

It was good, but much to short and lacking most of the actual plot. 4/8 for the so far captivating story and interesting plot.

There's many good things about this storygame that made it very enjoyable, but there were also a few downsides.

One thing I did not like was that it was another chapter one with no chapter two or three or anything. Please, publish a complete storygame, because I want to know what happened and how it really ended, and not just part of a storygame.

Like October said, I liked how there were multiple endings, because it's a nice change of pace to have branching and actual choices in a storygame.

The length was nothing special, but there were quite a number of links and pages and there was quite a bit of writing.

However, I did not like how it was a bit linear. Sometimes I was a bit cofused because it was hard to understand what was going on with the transitions from one event to another.

4/&.

I like that you've included multiple endings in this storygame, and choices that lead to different outcomes. This is how storygames should be, however unfortunately it's not always the case on CYS.

With that said, there was a lot wrong with this.

The grammar is dodgy. To give just one example, in the sentence, "There was a Great War that once plagued the land when it was once worth something, now its like the giant version of a New York allyway, nothing but trouble." you use "its" instead of "it's", misspell "alleyway", and use the word "once" twice. You also capitalise "Great War" and refer to it as "a Great War" rather than "the Great War", suggesting that a Great War is a name (like World War II for example) rather than a description of a big war - this is okay, but you proceed to not give any details about this Great War, which leads me to my next point.

You leave a lot unexplained. What happened in the Shayr War? Who are all these characters you're introducing?

The choices sometimes lead to unexpected and unlikely consequences. Clicking on "get a job" gets you killed for looking at a gem. How is the reader meant to foresee this happening?

Finally, what is a car doing in a fantasy storygame?

Demons are interesting, I enjoyed it.

First of all, the story is incomplete, and the endings don't even feel like a complete chapter.
The descriptions are functional, but rather barebones and don't give much insight as to what's going on or what choice to pick. For example, the part where it says, "There are people fighting in an alleyway and you think you might go join them," seems a bit off. What's my reasoning here? What reason do I have to get into a fight?
What's more, when you click the "get a job" link at the beginning, it's an instant death. If you didn't want that to be an option, you could have eliminated that choice altogether and spent more time developing the first page.
I do like the optional information branches, but there wasn't exactly enough lore to warrant those. The "half the page is burnt off and you can't see the rest" was a clever trick, though I do want to know why you're reading a summary of your parents in book format.
Judging by the presence of a truck in the story, I assume this is set closer to modern times, which could have been a cool take had you explored it a little bit more.
In terms of characterization there was basically none.
The spelling was pretty good and the grammar was okay, though I did notice a few awkward phrases and run-on sentences.
Overall, I think this is a story with a lot of potential, but a lack of effort made it fall flat.

I got searcher ending first try!

Hard, but rewording.

Searcher Ending (First Try)

Has the basis for an interesting story, but lasts like 5 minutes. Would rather have a complete saga or long chapter than this little background info excerpt. I did get the searcher ending, wasn't too hard. Really just left me feeling incomplete everything was short with little detail, couldn't get into it much.

Really inventive make 2 now

The back story and era needs a little working on. There's little description, but I suppose the story is okay.

Very Intresting little short and hope #2 comes sooner than later

I just chose random choices and I won >.<

On my first try, I got a random death by trying to get a job.

Too easy

All in all good, realy short, but good

Arrrgh! Stupid broken-up chapters and cliff-hangers

Haha I got the secret ending first try thank you normal ingenuity.

That was an amazing game, but I died like 5 times.

please make more

THE CHAPTER WAS REALLY ELIGHTING AND DARK WITH LOTS OF GREAT DEATH AND MYSTERY.CANT WAIT TO FIND OUT WHAT MY FATE WILL BE.PLEASE MAKE ANOTHER,I'M DYING TO PLAY CHAPTER 2

This might work out as the basis for a longer story but at the moment it is very short and even with the two branches the events move on so quickly that you don't have time to reflect on anything before it ends.

Flesh it out, slow down the pace a little and make it much much longer then you could have a really good story

great game. cant wait till the next one

This game stinks and is too short. You should make it longer or try not to make it where you die so easily. I could beat that so easily...

To be honest I kind of find it annoying when games are short because they're separated into chapters, (unless of course they're all really long chapters.) Also I was real confused half way through, 'cos the game had demons and necromancers and penniless street urchins, so I kind of assumed it was a high fantasy game. Then the demons threw me in their car, so apparently I was wrong.

This was far too linear and only diverges in one place. It should definitely not be so fraught with dichotomies of "continue or die", especially when the reader can't be reasonably expected to know which is which. Aside from that, there was no character development or motivation present and the "plot" moved far too quickly for any semblance of immersion. This kind of story is really prevalent; the author had a great idea for a massive fantastical world but then decided that writing something great is too much work and instead decided to write it off as 'his first story' and thus rather effort-free. It's not that the author lacks potential, rather he just gave up on making anything of quality here.

So I got both endings... meh.

Wood, searcher ending! Could you send it in the messages here, I don't want my email floating around online. When will the next one be out?

Kind of disappointing that I don't tell my name and spontaneously combust. That's not how a good story should go.

i got the searcher ending [email protected]

[email protected]
Hurray I got the seeker ending. I hope there's more.

I mean searcher. Sorry

I got socceror ending. Don't email. Send message to my account

searcher ending. email:[email protected]

It's nice oh and you put rejoyce, instead of rejoice. Very nice but can you elaborate on stuff and put more action? I hope this doesn't offend you, it's a really great story but if you can make those changes it's definetly a story I would read.

okay.

it seemed way to short and was very confusing,
(spolier)All i got from the story was my dad is a crazy sonofa***** and also is a demon. and who is the demon lady?

i like it. i hope the second one is longer though.

Why would getting a job mean death? Damn stuipd.

What????????????XP

kalun approves.

Queen ending was great. Although i felt that you didn't put in enough "filler". That is why everything seemed to speed by at 80 mph to me. I only got a glimpse of what the story couldv'e been. Add to what you have now before you start the second part. I suggest that when you are starting the second part have the first page have the question of " Wich ending did you have on part one?" and then go on from there. Add a lot more endings and paths AFTER you have added some meat to the bones of this story. Other than the lack of filler this was a great story and i had a good time reading it. I would like to see the updated version of this soon. :)good job .

I thought it was good. I got the seacher ending my first try then I got the queen then the my dad has the sphere. Also could you make it clear next time you are a girl.

E-mail [email protected]

Not bad, I think the events need to be more streatched out. The whole thing moves to quickly. You introduce new characters in the blink of an eye, you find out they are important without warning. there isnt an appropriate amount of set up for the major events in the story. You need to work on your build up.

Searcher ending. A bit linear at times, but other than that, well done. 5/8

really fun!

It was... different, but not bad. Are you on other story writing sites?