First Adventure!

Player Rating3.27/8

"#739 overall, #75 for 2016"
based on 135 ratings since 03/03/2016
played 1,286 times (finished 168)

Story Difficulty1/8

"no possible way to lose"

Play Length2/8

"So short yo' momma thought it was a recipe"

Maturity Level3/8

"must be at least this tall to play"
Contains content that may not be suitable for persons under age 10. If this were a movie, it would probably be between G and PG.

This is just a test game.

First adventure, first game.

 

It's short, but I tried to keep it funny. Maybe you should try and see what's your First Adventure is going to look like!
 

Also, I'm Brazilian, so excuse me for my bad English... I think it's readable.

Player Comments

Not the best...

I noticed a lot of randomness in this storygame, suck as arguing with the narrator, killing the narrator, etc. I understand that kind of humor can be funny sometimes, but it can only take you so far when it comes to writing.

I spotted a few grammar issues as I played, but nothing that can't be fixed with a little bit of proofreading. Remember to spend time on your storygames checking grammar and spelling, because that'll mark down your ratings a bit.

There wasn't very much character development here, but here and there I spotted a little bit of personality developing in the characters, but the storygame was too short for it to be completely fleshed out and let me feel emotion for the characters.

In this storygame, humor seemed to be a replacement for detail and plot development, which I didn't like :(

I'll say 3/8, please spend more time on storygames and understand that random humor can only take you a few steps in the miles of land to cover in story writing.
-- MinnieKing on 3/21/2017 1:04:12 AM with a score of 0
This is pretty good despite the lack or sense in the story. It's really easy to win/lose/end game, but if you go through the story knowing its supposed to be funny and light-hearted, it's quite enjoyable.

Again, there's some grammar issues, but I didn't really notice them because I was more focused the humor.

There are little fantasy elements, and I think that could be more expanded, as it is a "fantasy storygame". Other than that, the story is good to go as a humor one.
-- Crescentstar on 12/3/2016 7:20:19 PM with a score of 0
Ah, yes. For a first attempt at a storygame, especially for someone whose mother language isn't English, this game was far better than what I went in expecting. There are, admittedly, several blips with grammar and spelling sprinkled throughout, but the story was coherent and readable enough.

What really saves this is the humor. There's a lot of fourth wall breaking, lampshading the limitations of the basic editor, poking fun at CYOA conventions, and a dry sarcasm that made the narration quite fun to read.

Although this game still has a lot of flaws, I was thoroughly amused. I would love to see what you can do with more time, more experience, and the advanced editor (which has variables and whatnot). If this is what you can do in a day, while you're still learning the ropes, I'll be looking forward to what you can produce if you really put your all into it.
-- the_quiller on 3/4/2016 6:14:54 PM with a score of 0
Spoilers ahead. Do not read this if you have not played the game.

For a first storygame this was pretty solid.

I did not notice any grammar mistakes, but I am no native speaker myself so I guess that does not count for much.

As I am also a very new writer on this story I will give you some of the hints I got from other members of this community.

The first thing you need to do is to add more detail in the description of your scenes. The more detail you add the more the player gets immersed in the story and feels like he is standing right in the middle of the village.
Probably describe the way the farmhouses look a little more. Are they build from wood or stone? Do they have tiled roofs or thatched ones? Describe the smell of shit not through a narrative sentence but more like the character immediately noticing it when he leaves the front door.
That would be some examples how to quickly put more detail into the scene where you leave the house.

The idea of a young man trying to be an adventurer is pretty solid. Maybe you can redo this game in more detail and with the advanced editor to put in the variables and link restrictions needed to flesh out the quests.

The way how you separated the dialogues by starting a new paragraph is good. It was also one of the first tips I got here when I started writing. It just makes reading it so much more easy.

You clearly seem to have gotten the hang of how the links work and how far you can get with just using links and no variables here. You should definitely keep trying to learn how to use variables and scripts to improve your work further.

One last tip now:
Never publish a game before it is finished.

People want to read the whole story of a character and not only the start of it.

5/8 from me because you clearly pointed out that this game was short and just you learning the basics of using links in the editor.
-- LJacko on 3/10/2020 6:36:18 AM with a score of 0
This was good. The story was interesting and you wrote a clear image of the characters.
The grammar was fine, nothing wrong, nor the spelling. However, there was a link which ends the game immediately when the reader only pressed 1 link. So maybe you could make the reader a way to turn back. :)
Other than that, pretty good! Rated 5/8
-- StoryTurtle on 6/27/2019 9:34:21 PM with a score of 0
literally I'm slightly confused. It was okay, some funny points. Mostly a game to entertain yourself for 5 minutes.
-- WingsofWinter on 5/18/2019 4:05:08 PM with a score of 0
Short but that's ok you're dead any way hahaha
-- AurondragonTyr on 5/15/2018 3:15:33 PM with a score of 0
I chose the quickest death ending first and I really enjoyed the game. You are a great writer, and your humor is rare. I do have one suggestion, though. Try to add a few more details in some areas that lack, such as 'how can you tell the ogre is a child' (maybe include a joke about age here) and try to give the character morals so that when we kill him we feel bad about it (ex: should we steal from the kid because our parents were killed by goblins? Are we committed to righteous action? If not, why do our actions vary so drastically on the moral scale? Are we diseased? Mentally unstable? Or simply very grumpy?
See? The more we know about the character's feelings, the more we feel when we make a decision that contrasts the decision we would normally make. Because his mother has his working for a grumpster, I'm thinking that is the reason he is so grumpy himself. To avoid confusion, I would emphasize the fact that those are the reasons he is making poor decisions.
In short, I suggest a bit of editing in certain areas, but it was very enjoyable overall. You have an interesting, humorous voice, and you are quite the talented writer (especially considering English is not your first language).
Also, I would be happy to help you edit out the grammar mistakes. If you would like the help, feel free to leave me a private message on my account.
Thank you and well done,
Squatting Pigeon
-- SquattingPigeon on 1/29/2018 8:49:32 AM with a score of 0
Some of the writing was quirky, and there's some budding, nascent humor here. If you expanded it, and wrote in a little more detail, this would be a passable game. And a bit of brushing up on the technical side of writing would help also.
-- Mynoris on 12/24/2017 1:36:10 PM with a score of 0
that was no quest
-- Emmanuella on 5/4/2017 2:50:04 PM with a score of 0
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