The Carivelli Carnival

Player Rating4.38/8

"#238 overall, #28 for 2011"
based on 107 ratings since 07/07/2011
played 1,499 times (finished 101)

Story Difficulty5/8

"run through the jungle"

Play Length4/8

"A well spent lunch break"

Maturity Level5/8

"aren't you a little too old to be trick or treating"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 13. If this were a movie, it would probably be PG-13.

Tags

Horror

The Carivelli Carnival hides it's true nature from most of it's customers, but to a select and unlucky few it holds a fate far worse than anything imaginable...

Are you ready to visit the carnival?

Player Comments

This isn't a bad story by any means. Thoughts:

- There's some nice description which captures the creepy feeling you were going for, so you've done that well. The whole thing reminded me a bit of Spirited Away for some reason. I suppose it's a similar setting nearer the start of the film. The really uncaring, disconnected crowd added to that, and I liked that basically nobody in the crowd interacted with the MC or even said anything and reacted apathetically to the sword swallower.

- There's a fair amount of repetition of 'you'. This can be fairly difficult to address because it's not immediately obvious, but it detracts from the story for me.
E.g: 'His eyes meet yours, and you feel his will pulling you in, and you walk through the gates mesmerized.' would, I think, be better as something like: 'His eyes flickered over, powerful will pulling curiosity to the fore as you walk through the gates, mesmerized.'

- There are some grammatical issues like tense changes and syntax stuff. An example of both is:
'"See into the darkness, look into yourself and find where you belong" said a melodic voice that you assumed belong to the contortionist.' This is in past tense, along with some other sentences dotted around, even though the rest is in the present, and you need a comma before the closing quotes. There's also a little bit of comma splicing:
'Her intoxicating movements draw in all those in the surrounding area, you push your way closer to the stage as more and more people gather around.' Needs an 'and' or a period to make it two sentences or a semi-colon etc.

- A little bit of script wouldn't have hurt to make some options one-click, like when you choose which acts to go see. That's just polish I guess though.

- Ahh, I thought the square of pi one would just give me pie. Sad times.

- I quite liked the twist with the contortionist, but the whole running away choice with the 'left' and 'right' options isn't a great CYOA trope. If one's going to lead to death and the other isn't, maybe hint at what's on either side so the reader isn't blindly guessing.

- Some of the endings felt a little rushed, and I noticed you reused a few endings for different paths. A couple didn't really fit, especially where the reader makes a choice of what to say to the Ringmaster and then there's no mention of him in the next page.

Still, this was a decent story that I quite liked and it didn't have too many mistakes.
4/8. Would've been 5 if there hadn't been spelling and tense errors, which I don't think is much to ask from 4000 words.
-- AzBaz on 8/7/2017 7:17:33 AM
It was an interesting story, but I noticed a few errors, here are two from one page (because I can't remember most of them :)) "even with a great amount of practice and patients.
He let's " In that quote, "patients" is spelled patience, and "let's" should just be lets, otherwise it says "let us". I know that those are actual words, so the upcoming solution won't actually work for those, but a little tip is to write your pages on word, then copy and paste to the editor, that way it will both let you know your errors and if the system fails while downloading it to the editor you won't lose your progress.
-- ThisisBo on 7/8/2011 8:42:00 PM
The beginning reminded me of Carnival of Terrors (Give Yourself Goosebumps). It would be nice if it could be a bit like that, but nevertheless it was quite interesting.
-- Saika on 3/29/2017 4:41:16 AM
"can't accomplish even with a great amount of practice and PATIENTS."
Don't you mean "patience?"

Other than that, very good. Very creepy. I liked it a lot.
-- Imrah on 6/30/2015 9:11:10 PM
I went crazy and had to go to a mental hospital :T
-- jayfeather808 on 5/10/2015 8:50:14 AM
Maybe I am doing it wrong but its very short and ends way to quickly. The parts I went through we fun but it just didnt go anywhere
-- JinDary on 4/22/2015 2:54:44 PM
Wow! I really enjoyed this game, and I saw the immense amount of work you put into it. I love the eerie feel of wandering through the carnival, and the door parts are so cool! Amazing game!
-- AgentBunny on 4/4/2015 7:41:16 PM
It was an OK story the writing was good. As was the idea behind it. It is creepy enough to intrigue. However I found the small amount of choices and endings disappointing. I must commend you on having one semi happy ending.
-- mokaevans on 11/10/2014 10:44:00 PM
It's good, but not great
-- Jordi P on 9/26/2014 12:32:53 PM
Great story.
-- insanebutvain on 9/6/2014 8:04:01 PM
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