The Cries of Caracas

Player Rating3.85/8

"Too few ratings to be ranked"
based on 26 ratings since 02/08/2018
played 136 times (finished 34)

Story Difficulty3/8

"trek through the forest"

Play Length4/8

"A well spent lunch break"

Maturity Level5/8

"aren't you a little too old to be trick or treating"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 13. If this were a movie, it would probably be PG-13.

Tags

Puzzle

You're a private detective in the crime-filled Caracas, Venezuela. The city that you call home is filled with corruption and violence. After quitting the police force, an old friend's brother is murdered. Nobody knows why or how he was killed. If anyone can solve it, it's you.

Player Comments

Was there even a good ending?

A little linear, with only two endings... One where you live. Another where you can die from a bad choice right there on the first page.

I saw only one grammar mistake, when you said 'forced out a weak laughter' it should've been 'laugh'.

Could be improved by making a different page for if you sweet talk the cop and then sneak in, instead of the same one as just sneaking in in the first place. Would've made it more realistic.

No spelling errors that I saw, so good. Working as a team means proofreading, and it looks like either you made almost no mistakes, or you proofread.

Though short, it makes up for that with detail in the pages. They weren't short like in the other new stories.
-- BunnyCatMouse99100 on 2/12/2018 7:34:19 PM with a score of 0
This was interesting but could have been much longer and much more developed. Still, it had a pretty good twist.

Try to improve your writing, it wasn't the worst but I also saw some paragraphs that looked like you just spat it out without a second thought.
-- corgi213 on 2/11/2018 10:27:18 PM with a score of 0
First thing I noticed - Your grammar and punctuation was spot on, and your descriptive abilities are pretty decent, for the five pages I read through.

However, the second thing I noticed was that the second choice you make (sweet talk the cop or sneak in), if you choose incorrectly (sweet talk the cop) it routes you through to the exact same page as if you hadn't tried to bluff your way past. Instead of doing this, you could perhaps direct to a slightly different page where you make a reference to failing to bluff your way in, which would help with making it feel like its a true continuation rather than a "you picked wrong, pick the other option" kind of result.

Rather short, but then it's better than the rest of your classmates attempts.
-- Daemon_d6 on 2/9/2018 8:53:39 PM with a score of 0
I am giving this one a 4/8, simply for being a breath of fresh air compared to the other class project stories we've been suffering through. I'd have even gone to 5/8 if it were longer.

I almost cried with happiness at finding that 8th graders who understand words and punctuation at an 8th grade level still exist, and the writing itself is pretty good by any standards. The opening paragraph alone does an excellent job at establishing the setting and character.



-- mizal on 2/8/2018 12:37:30 PM with a score of 0
This game was created by two 8th grade girls in their composition class and it is their first attempt at a ChooseYourOwnAdventure Story. Please give helpful feedback and comments to show these girls that their efforts are appreciated, as well as how to improve their game and writing. Great game, girls!
-- UtenaTenjou on 2/8/2018 11:30:51 AM with a score of 0
This was great Story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-- Piercyta on 2/8/2018 11:30:28 AM with a score of 0
This has me shokken. I was not expecting that. SOOOO GOOD.
-- theisenkor on 2/8/2018 11:30:21 AM with a score of 0
Loved it!
-- kearonky on 2/8/2018 11:30:08 AM with a score of 0
a little bit of a abrupt ending but it's really good with lots of detail
-- anne0829 on 2/8/2018 11:29:44 AM with a score of 0
This was actually sososo good! ! I really liked all of the descriptive parts and how you gave everyone a distinct personality.
-- amelia raden on 2/8/2018 11:29:42 AM with a score of 0
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