The Journey of Caroline Winters

Player Rating3.52/8

"Too few ratings to be ranked"
based on 52 ratings since 05/13/2016
played 1,052 times (finished 73)

Story Difficulty1/8

"no possible way to lose"

Play Length6/8

"It'll be a while, better grab a SnickersĀ®"

Maturity Level5/8

"aren't you a little too old to be trick or treating"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 13. If this were a movie, it would probably be PG-13.

I'm Caroline Winters and I'm 21. 

I'm from a little town called Cranberry in Oklahoma and I'm leaving the nest and going to New York, I got a job as a communications assistant for "Carter's Enterprises", one of the company's subsidiaries manages hundreds of events in and around New York every year,I just finished my studies and I took a long trip to get here, I hope meet a lot of friends and maybe even find true love... who knows?

(*Note: After seeing your comments I add it more chapter's and solve a lot of the error's that I've done in my first game: office love. Besides having more chapter's I worked a little more on the one's I had already done, English isn't my language so I'm sorry if there is some mistakes. I hope you enjoy, please rate and leave a comment.)

Player Comments

Not the worst thing I've seen. You have too many things going on at the same time, though. Also, I tried running through a second time with taking a "Loner" path, not pursuing anyone, with the first being trying to romance everyone at once, and it changed the story only slightly.
A good example you could learn from is Eternal, by Endmaster. Don't model your story like his, but note how he deftly transitions between time periods and makes sure the reader knows where they are, when they are, and how/why they are there. You would also do good seeing how he makes the little "random" moments, like not visiting a temple, and then your girlfriend randomly gets mind controlled to follow that temple's religion and proceed to murder you, seem like they aren't random at all.

You also need to branch out the stories. It seemed that most choices aren't really choices, and instead different paths to the same endpoint. This is fine in small quantities, as it allows the reader to feel more in control than they really are, and also can strengthen the overall story. However, you used it often, making the story seem dull the second time through.

Now for grammar. While I understand that English isn't your first language, you can still use tools like Google Translate to improve your text. While I didn't have to reread anything to understand it, the poor grammar was slightly annoying, and could easily be fixed.

You might also want to put up, at the end of the story, a little note that says you are building another chapter. That was not added, and for a brief moment I thought you had just ended the story randomly, before I remembered that you said you were adding chapters in the intro. Some of the more fast paced readers may not realize this and just move on to the next story, never coming back to this.

And, finally, you should consider putting in an "item" that lists the people in the story, like Peter and Matt, as it can be hard to keep track of everyone amidst the reading. It would also help clarify things for the reader, in case they skim or load a save. I, personally, thought that Peter talked like a father, even though he is an ex-boyfriend. The term "kid", how you used it in this story, would be where a father figure addresses a youthful person, usually with advice on how to run their life. By the way, "Kiss" as a way of ending a text or a letter should either be a sequence of X's and O's, or "Kisses, ____", at least the way I see it. I hope this helped!
-- Anonymous on 5/16/2016 7:48:16 PM with a score of 0
Haha deja vu here :D You have done well, this shows a lot of improvement from your last version and it all reads pretty well. Unfortunately the story is still a fairly typical work experience, people read to escape their day to day lives - not to re-live them. Also the script style of writing,
Matt: I say this.
You: I disagree.
Matt: I'm going to hit you with a pogo stick,
This is not the best way of writing. For someone who is using English as a second language you have done really very well but I think the plot might need a little more excitement or spice, but then again because I am a boy these sort of stories do not appeal to me a great deal :) You have a good writing style though and you should definitely write more, the main concern is the story does not seem to be going anywhere... in fifty or so chapters I could imagine being in the exact same situation I am after three. It needs a bit more development, risk, danger, excitement etc :D But overall, pretty good :) 5/8
-- Will11 on 5/13/2016 11:42:08 PM with a score of 0
The storyline is so good I can't get enough.
-- Luna Heidi on 11/16/2017 11:57:31 AM with a score of 0
Wow. I did not expect this kind of length in the story. I actually felt like I was in a romance novel with developing characters and relationships happening around me. It's not something I see in many stories here so it was certainly very immersive.

The way the story was presented, however, could do with improvement. The way that speech is written, for example - it reads like a script out of a play. There's also multiple spelling and grammar errors which will annoy readers.

Oh, and parts of it are rather cliche but I really liked the setting and how you can flirt with various guys or choose to keep things appropriate. Felt like I had a real hand in the dating game as I got to know these characters.

Overall, I feel this story has a lot of potential. There's some decent length and it could do with some more branches, but I enjoyed it and liked the characters that you built up.
-- Saika on 9/18/2017 8:45:46 AM with a score of 0
Otome : Is-it Love? Gabriel ??
Pure plagiarism
Create your own story
-- Maya on 6/17/2017 7:55:23 PM with a score of 0
I have to admit that I quickly started picturing "Matt" as... Matt Bellamy! And I just kept on playing the game and ditching Colin to get to the Matt moments to impress him... Please add a nice story line for Matt and Caroline! Thank you, this storygame is very entertaining!
-- ineedmoreofmatt on 2/9/2017 12:38:46 PM with a score of 0
This game was really good i hope you continue it- PF
-- Captainbro9000 on 11/27/2016 7:39:22 PM with a score of 0
When will there be more chapters?
-- Hermione on 11/23/2016 3:38:52 PM with a score of 0
Pleeeeease continue this!!!
-- qwertycool on 11/9/2016 2:23:34 PM with a score of 0
well, its seems nice, i will wait until it finish's the story so i can come back and try again ^^ :) :D
-- CeLioCiBR on 8/18/2016 5:56:57 AM with a score of 0
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