Player Comments on The Multiverse Chalkboard
Okay, this was a decent story. A few things:
- Some of the wording left a bit more to be desired, such as 'You and James share a momentary look of shared terror'. Checking through carefully and reading it out loud can solve that pretty easily though and I only found a couple of grammatical mistakes. I would say to be wary of comma splicing though.
- The plot was a bit half baked and unbelievable. I found myself cringing a bit at the 'science' behind the portal. Calcium carbonate just seems so arbitrary. If you want a proper sci-fi explanation, I'd say something to do with quantum mechanics seeing as it's complicated enough to mould into loads of stuff and not well understood enough to refute. Also, I don't see the point of it all. Why go to another Universe? What the hell was the teacher thinking and why choose kids to go with him? (who disappeared for no explained reason. Was he a junkie pretending to be a teacher or what? Maybe an interdimensional being sent to misguide the youth?)
- The writing was pretty good, but the story was too short. If you want to develop characters, it's got to have a bit more effort than this. You'd at least expect to visit two different Universes with the promise of a Multiverse.
- I wasn't a fan of the whole zombie premise. If you wanted to write a zombie story, why not just write an actual zombie story? Why bother with the Multiverse?
- The ending was a little bit twee (the epilogue one, anyway. It'd be weird if any of the zombie death endings were twee... unless you fall in love with a zombie? You can have that plot idea. On the house.)
All in all, with a bit more effort this could be a really good story. Making another Universe option would get rid of the whole zombie premise argument thing.
on 6/9/2017 1:59:30 PM with a score of 0
That was ... dissapointing. The first thing that i came to notice was how bland the characters were, starting with myself, dissapointingly enough. I honestly find mildly funny how little this guy reacts to what's happening. There's this portal that brings you to other universes where anything can happen,and honestly he doesnt seem to give much of a sh*t, he seems a bit intrigued at best. The worst is that you are probably the least character of all the characters, and that's saying a lot, considering that the rest are: A jock, who hates you because ... because. A school diva, who you of course have a crush on. The childhood friend, who is your friend. I think there were other ones, that i sadly cannot remember.
And there's also our lovely professor, who for some reason decided it was a good idea to send teenagers on wild adventures in the multiverse, he is also not very good at choosing them. The strong jock and the nerd i guess i understand, but why recruit a person who doesn't respect your authority enough to not consult you before revealing the secret of your project? And what is the diva doing there? What did he see in her? Was he just desperate to find people?
Other than that, the narration is a bit lacking, this is a bit of a more personal note, but i would've prefered if it had been a bit more descriptive of the enviroment, the atmosphere and how the characters felt. My guess is that you ass the author didn't expect much of this story, but i still would encourage you to continue it with a bit more care.
on 8/10/2016 6:11:16 PM with a score of 0
While I enjoyed the story I couldn't help feel like it was meant to be much bigger. It's about a multi-verse yet only one other universe is ever explored.
Which brings me to my second point... of why? The motives of anyone aren't ever explained. Why is the doctor exploring these worlds? I thought his assistant had something to do with it at first, but he makes it clear he's sure he's dead. So why keep exploring when dangerous things are about?
Why use children to help explore, and why did the children agree? Why did they need more of them? Most of them seem to know just how dangerous it can be, yet they keep going. Did they just enjoy the novelty of entering new worlds? Did they stand to gain something by following the Dr?
Why were you invited? It seems the girl likes you, but what would that have to do with inviting you?
It's a cool setting, but I felt like it was left largely unexplored.
on 7/17/2016 3:24:30 PM with a score of 0
I love the part where the creature rips out his throat.
-- ehaaaaaaaaav on 6/16/2019 10:17:08 PM with a score of 0
Tomorrow was the only option, I choose it and I died? Okay, thanx
-- Mellowwind on 4/1/2019 5:38:28 PM with a score of 0
I thoroughly enjoyed this story! :-) However I feel as though in my choices in not being a risk taker I inevitably met my match and death found me. I feel as if the story should let the reader choose if they are going to either A. Focus on their algebra or B. Get distracted by Christie at the door. Overall fun story! :-)
-- Devin Symone on 3/28/2019 1:37:13 AM with a score of 0
Too sweet. I really enjoyed the story and the ending. Thanks for writing this story.
on 11/11/2018 9:21:33 AM with a score of 0
on 11/2/2018 11:35:48 PM with a score of 0
I found it kind a disappointing. It's a good idea,but it kind of falls flat with only one world. Plus most options lead to your eventual death, way too much
-- Unknown Ender on 7/6/2018 7:35:44 PM with a score of 0
the story is not really what i was thinking it was going to be like very misleading
-- ???? on 5/14/2018 11:35:57 PM with a score of 0
I see several people are confused about something that I wanted to clarify.
There are TWO dimensions that are visited in this story; not one. I'm not sure how this was getting confused; but (spoilers) in one dimension you have zombies (mindless shambling creatures whose only goal is to devour flesh); in the other dimension you have intelligent shape-shifting carnivores who are capable of speech and are anything but sluggish.
on 2/19/2018 11:10:19 PM with a score of 0
Interesting game, nice idea, making other universes. Thing is, it's one other dimension you travel to, and no matter what path you take, the ending is the same, almost. You still go to that same dimension whether you wait a day or not. If there were more endings it would be rated higher, but as it is now it's still a fun game. I like the detail that was in this, not just saying 'he drew stuff on the board, and we walked through.' There was more to it than that.
on 1/22/2018 11:16:24 PM with a score of 0
Short, but good game. Frank starts the apocalypse on my ending lol
-- Sam on 7/18/2017 5:38:16 AM with a score of 0
there is no win
on 6/29/2017 11:20:53 AM with a score of 0
Wow. Just Wow. Good story bu a little short
-- SuperDawg on 5/27/2017 2:22:18 AM with a score of 0
Realy? I wasn't expecting it to end so abbruptly. And be so linear
on 5/25/2017 10:03:45 PM with a score of 0
Overall, it was a pretty good book. Yes, it was a bit short but I really did like it!
-- them fantasy expert on 5/23/2017 9:41:26 PM with a score of 0
This was very well-written, but it doesn't actually go anywhere. It seems that moments after you enter the portal, the game's already over. The game goes on slightly longer if you pick different choices, but it really isn't very satisfactory and leaves your readers wanting more. There was barely enough time to get to know these characters, let alone explore this new universe.
on 5/10/2017 6:33:11 AM with a score of 0
Good game. I liked it alot . I could play over and over!
-- Georgia Nader on 9/17/2016 10:33:26 PM with a score of 0
-- Mylo on 9/17/2016 10:31:47 PM with a score of 0
It would be better if there was more to this story. What is already here is really good though and I enjoyed it. But more would be nice.
on 8/1/2016 12:29:05 PM with a score of 0
If you made this one a book, I'd definitely read it. Definitely. I just started getting attached to the characters! C'mon man! (This was really good btw :D)
-- Stoic on 7/31/2016 4:00:49 AM with a score of 0
Very intriguing! Creepy... and sad that protagonist only had the choice of 2 dangerous worlds with whichever day he joins the multiverse traveling crew.
I would absolutely love more from this story exploring various multiverses. *_____*
-- Kyu on 7/25/2016 8:43:56 PM with a score of 0
Killa, wow that's a lot to cover. Looks like you under and over thought things in turn, I'll try to respond to all of your questions/critiques....
We actually explore TWO other universes in this story, not one. There's the zombie one and the doppleganger one. Why not more? Because at the end of either of these worlds things get too dangerous and they end the way they end (which should explain why there's no more to explore without giving everything away in a comment).
The doctor is exploring these worlds in the name of science. He's a scientist. Also, if he happens to find a world where say... gold is in such abundance that it's value is super low; he can bring it back to his home universe and be rich. He could find a new invention and steal it as his own. etc.
Why use children? Because they are eager and free labor and he is a man with limited moral values.
As for the danger, (which is actually a few of your questions)... Other than the 'assistant' who 'got lost', there has been nothing dangerous encountered until we pick up with this story; none of the students learn that there was any real danger in this universe hopping until one or two specific paths where Dr. Verrukt reveals what really happened to his assistant.
The precautions they are taking are not in the name of danger, they are to avoid running into a duplicate of themselves... which would presumably be very dangerous. So the students continue to explore from 'the novelty' of exploring new worlds... Though 'novelty' is a word that really cheapens the appeal. They're exploring alternate universes. I don't know a lot of people that wouldn't be interested in checking that shit out.
As for why were you invited; and this one pains me to answer b/c other than your "only one world to explore" this one was clearly answered in multiple paths; you are really good friends with 'the girl'. Dr. Verrukt said they needed more people for exploring, she trusts you due to long-standing friendship; and boom. She invited you along.
Hop that helps clarify some stuff for you. Thanks for reading.
on 7/18/2016 12:36:26 PM with a score of 0
destiny was first sexy and now she is à murderer
-- Måns on 7/18/2016 10:32:17 AM with a score of 0
its great for what it is but definitely way to short if it was longer and proceeded like this could be 10/10
on 7/13/2016 4:47:01 PM with a score of 0
Needs more choices
on 7/9/2016 4:27:21 PM with a score of 0
I liked this story, DEP. It reminded me of those (good) old slasher movies.
on 7/7/2016 10:33:51 PM with a score of 0
coolio. Wish there were more universes to explore, though
on 7/7/2016 12:14:47 PM with a score of 0
I kinda wanted to know whatever happened to doctor Verrückt.
on 7/5/2016 7:10:30 PM with a score of 0
An interesting and fun story.
on 7/5/2016 1:27:49 AM with a score of 0
Good work as usual DEP.
on 7/4/2016 2:26:52 PM with a score of 0
Dr. Verrückt means Dr. Crazy when translated. So yes, it did have to be a foreign name. It sounds better than Dr. Smith; and it has a hidden meaning (or blatantly obvious meaning if you speak Dutch).
on 7/2/2016 1:21:16 AM with a score of 0
Of course. Dr. Verrukt. Every plausibly evil scientist, or any one put in a position where he may seem evil at one point in the story, HAS to have some foreign last name.
-- ... on 7/1/2016 2:31:30 PM with a score of 0
Brilliant story! The characters are pretty conventional - the mad scientist, the jock, the hot girl - but the writing makes it exciting. The only complaint I have is that it's too short. I could have read about several more universes and the characters could have been developed much further. Two worlds doesn't really seem like much of a multiverse.
on 7/1/2016 7:23:56 AM with a score of 0
Good job on this. The intensity was there and having the sci-fi thriller genre is cool. I also tried different endings for the story.
Although, I got confused for the death part where Charles did not joined the team then Christie talked to her after class and bit him like a zombie. How did Christie became a talking zombie?
So yeah, 7/8 :) kudos!
on 7/1/2016 3:00:43 AM with a score of 0