a Grimdark Fantasy by Celicni

Commended by EndMaster on 2/3/2021 12:17:05 AM

Player Rating5.69/8

"#216 overall, #3 for 2021"
based on 52 ratings since 02/03/2021
played 573 times (finished 64)

Story Difficulty5/8

"run through the jungle"

Play Length5/8

"Not going to lose any sleep"

Maturity Level7/8

"anything goes"
Some material may be inappropriate for persons under age 18. If this were a movie, it would probably be R.

Beset by the Byzantine empire, your small Slavic tribe is discussing how you can defend yourselves. They are overconfident, and you feel death will overcome you. Upset, you go visit the temple of Prabog, an ancient Slavic god that you hope will protect you. Will you find glory, or death?


I recommend trying out the obviously bad choices as well. You may find the story a tad short otherwise.

The world is similar to ours in the 7th century except with the addition of magic and magic creatures.

Player Comments

First off, this was a terrific first story, and the fact it was written in just two days is nothing short of supernatural. What kind of magical Ritalin are you taking, and in what dose?

Alright, let's start. I greatly enjoyed the setting itself. There was just the right blend of historical backdrop combined with Slavic mythology and the author's own imagination to make the world feel alive, helped, as Ninja mentioned, by the strong introduction that placed me solidly in front of an important problem in a living world I already cared about.

The writing itself feels immature but in a quirky way that wholly supports the humorous overtones present, with witty remarks and caricatures that serve as a good counterbalance to the world's darker undertones. On the other hand, it very much lacked in detail, letting many scenes lose a lot of their weight.

It was also quite autistic about exact measurements. Instead of saying that I killed someone every two seconds, it would be much more immersive to mention every few heartbeats/breaths/moments my hand takes another life. That makes it more grounded to the present scene, as in a fight time distorts heavily, either due to fear, anger, or concentrated flow. Moreover, I don't think a 13th-century Slavic warrior would have a Rolex to check every kill's exact timing. My biggest tip would be to change all the numbers into something more thematically fitting, or at least replace them with words.

The story itself feels like a long gauntlet, where if you pick a different choice, the game either quickly ends or loops you back in the one main branch. If you had four days instead of two, I would have enjoyed a second branch that's been hinted at in some pages, where you partake in defense of your village with just mortal means.

All in all heavily recommended if you're looking for a lighter story within this dark fantasy genre.
-- enterpride on 2/9/2021 4:29:28 PM with a score of 0
This story shines with its strong introduction, placing the reader at a pivotal moment in time. The sense of urgency, along with the upcoming doom, threw me into the story, one that is fairly similar to our world. It also shines with dark humor and little narrative quips throughout.

I, like everyone else that will likely comment, didn't like the story resets. Luckily, the back button exists. In terms of constructive feedback, descriptive elements and story progression fell a bit flat. I was really engaged during dialogue moments, but found my attention wandering once it ended. More than a few grammar errors were found too, but nothing so horrible that affected the story much.

Shock factor and edge of course must be mentioned as the story displays both well, while not making the mistake of overdoing it. All in all, a fine piece, no regrets for reading through.
-- ninjapitka on 2/1/2021 5:34:04 PM with a score of 0
This was actually a pretty good story considering that English isn't the author's first language, and the timeframe it was written in. It's a pretty solid dark fantasy, although it's not grimdark.

The writing was pretty good, especially the introduction, which hooked me instantly. I enjoyed the narration from the PoV of Velimir, because the tone felt very fitting for the story and setting. There was a pretty small amount of grammatical errors and it didn't disrupt from the writing, although proofreading wouldn't hurt. The only real issue with the writing was there were a few modern idioms used that don't make sense in context. For example, a witch talked about "the nuclear option". Nuclear weapons didn't exist in the 7th century, so this breaks immersion and feels really out of place.

Story wise (spoilers ahead), I got one epilogue, and then went back and got another one because I was curious. The first epilogue I got was the one where Zlatko goes mad with power, and that one's pretty standard. Nothing really crazy happens, and I guess it's fine. The second epilogue I got was where you FUCK A WITCH and then FUCK YOUR SISTER. That one was simultaneously disgusting and hilarious. Celicni, you have scarred me for life, so I think that's a win for this story as a dark fantasy (because what can be as dark as that age gap? Blegh).

Also, with this storygame, unlike others, the correct path seemed really obvious, but I'm unsure if other readers feel the same as me.

Overall, this was a pretty good story on the shorter side!
-- WizzyCat on 2/1/2021 3:35:01 PM with a score of 0
This was a short, but fun bit of storytelling. I think maybe I should have headed back to the village from some healing and maybe next time try not to piss off a God...oops.

"You have pissing off a god."
-- CitizenJay on 2/23/2021 5:01:37 PM with a score of 0
Good storygame, a bit gauntlet-y at times and it sticks close to its single plot. It uses a historical setting, but that's about it. The characters have identifying personalities, and the narration is fun and quippy. Nothing wrong with this story unless you hate your sister. The soup ending had me chuckling.

It'd be nice to expand on the running away option, otherwise I have few gripes.
-- Nightwatch on 2/4/2021 1:36:52 AM with a score of 0
I really found myself to enjoy the writing in this story-game. There's not much for me to say in the form of negatives, besides the game sending you back to a previous page link on dead-ends, I suppose. Other than that, I think this is a contest entry that the author should feel proud of creating.
-- TharaApples on 2/1/2021 1:05:36 AM with a score of 0
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