SpaceCommander, The Reader

Member Since

11/29/2021

Last Activity

3/1/2024 1:03 PM

EXP Points

19

Post Count

19

Storygame Count

0

Duel Stats

4 wins / 4 losses

Order

Marauder

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0
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Recent Posts

So who wants to help proofread on 12/25/2023 9:41:41 PM
Yeah, giving his name when he's first introduced would be better. Thanks for reading. And Merry Christmas to everyone. Thanks for helping a motherfucker out.

So who wants to help proofread on 12/24/2023 11:15:27 PM
Right, thanks for the suggestions, I'll read them.

So who wants to help proofread on 12/24/2023 4:46:00 AM
Those are very good stories, thanks for showing them to me. I don't spend alot of time in the forums. Looks like I'm missing out on some good stuff.

So who wants to help proofread on 12/24/2023 1:46:53 AM
I don't like reading first or second person stories. Do you have any good third person games I can look at? First person, I know you had the time to write the story so you should be okay. Second person, I know I'm not in the story. Nothing wrong with first or second person stories. There's clearly a ton of them on this site with very good writing. But I prefer third person narratives. On a side note, the fact that my profile picture is of a penguin holding a book all fucked up with a question mark is hilarious

So who wants to help proofread on 12/24/2023 1:20:48 AM
Disjointed, like out of order? Or not enough info, like setting, descriptions of how the professor and Razmon look like? Because to me, a line like, The man walked into the small local restaurant., is enough information for my imagination to provide something I can see and grab hold of in my mind. Even though things aren't described, I can move on, expecting to find more stuff out as the passage unfolds. Or even if it's never explained again, and there's a scene inside said restaurant, I could still see it. It's still written as if it was a storygame. I haven't molded it to be a real linear story yet.

So who wants to help proofread on 12/24/2023 12:46:23 AM
So you're saying in the latest version, it still makes no sense? It's right above your comment. If you are, could you explain what confuses you? I think this version's is better than the last. It describes a dark room, lights come on and the professor steps in. I know it's still not much description, but I still want to stick with a third person limited minimalistic writing style for this one. I added other stuff to, like: Player option 1b.b) "Where do you want to go?" All fueled up, it was time. Razmon smiled, delighted to know the price.

So who wants to help proofread on 12/23/2023 11:10:02 PM
Description: Destination set. Ready when you are. Three questions. Eight endings. One event. Experiments on Nerba 8 Page one: The room was cold and dark. Suddenly, the dim lights overhead turned on, and the door opened. A man dressed in a white labcoat stepped into the lab, head down reading his notes. The professor looked up. Taken aback, he stopped in his tracks. "Oh, hello there." The fear leaking off the man told Razmon the etheric implant worked. New worlds await.  Player option 1: Say hi Player option 2: What am I doing here? Player option 1) "Hello," The professor started to walk backwards, eyes locked on the trickster god, Razmon, standing in the teleporter. "We have waited for you." Player option 1b: Where are you going? Player option 1c: What have you done? Player option 1c) "What have you done?" The professor shook his head, glancing at his notes. "Only what the instructions told us to do." He stopped walking backwards, out in the hall. He looked both ways. Player option 1c.a: Where's your detonator? Player option 1c.b: And who gave them to you? Player option 1c.a) "Where's your detonator?" "What?" The professor searched every pocket he had. "No!" He bolted down the hall, out of view. "It's gonna eat us all!" Down from the teleporter, Razmon walked on the cold sterilized white tile floor. The pale blue walls, empty, unimportant. No sense in this place. No sense at all. With its mind, the power of existence was taken from the world. And in pursuit of its next meal, it roamed the void, forever.                                                                                                                          FIN Player option 2) "What am I doing here?" "Uh," The professor glanced down at his notes, tapping them with a nervous finger. "Hm," He looked back up at the humanoid higher dimensional being on the teleporter. "Are you not pleased to be here?" Player option 2.b: No Player option 2.c: Who are you and what have you done to me? Player option 2.b) "No." The professor shook his head. "To be honest," He took a step back. "I didn't think you were real." Player option 2.b.a: Well, I am. Player option 2.b.b: Then, you shouldn't have brought me here.  Player option 2.b.a) "Well, I am." Always in full control, Razmon, the trickster god, jumped off the teleporter. "And now, I take what is mine!" "No!" The professor fell to his knees and bowed. "Please, have mercy!" It absorbed his life and his world into its mind, unamused by the pathetic display. "This is mercy."  And unto the next world, it wandered the void with no end in sight.                                                                                                                    FIN Player option 1b) "Where are you going?" "Nowhere, uh," The professor looked over his notes again. "Uh, I mean wherever you want me to go." He cleared his throat. Player option 1b.a: Maybe you're not as worthless as I thought. Player option 1b.b: Where do you want to go? Player option 1b.b) "Where do you want to go?" All fueled up, it was time. Razmon smiled, delighted to know the price. The professor dropped his arms to his sides, his notes falling to the floor. "I don't believe it," Letting the accomplishment sink in, he grabbed his head, grinning ear to ear. "We did it! We fucking did it!" Fist pump action, he bounced around, shouting.  Hearing the joyous commotion from their stations, many of the professor's colleagues unlocked their doors and made their way to the lab to celebrate. Some just fell to the floor right where they stood to cry, and others called their loved ones with the good news. After centuries of the same old shit, they knew mankind would never fall again. And into an everlasting era of peace and prosperity, Razmon took them, to live like gods.                                                                                                                FIN Player option 1.c.b) "And who gave them to you?" "What?" The professor's eyes widened. "That's impossible!" "Why fear?" Razmon got off the teleporter. "When you can rejoice!"  "We-we found them! We chose to bring you here on our own accord! And we can choose to send you back!" "Relax. You are one of the reasons why you will receive." It smiled, walking towards him. "Can't you tell? You fucking did it!" "Fuck your riddles!" The professor reached into an outer pocket on his labcoat. "You can't have us!" The explosion destroyed the building, leaving Razmon behind with the rubble. "You cannot deny me what is mine, slave." Into its mind, the rest of the world went, never free, forever bound. And to new worlds, it ventured, for the rest of eternity.                                                                                                                   FIN Player option 2.b.b) Then you shouldn't have brought me here: "But, belief isn't necessary. I know now." The professor kneeled and bowed his head to the floor. "Like you, we were brought into a world we do not want to be in. Please, we only ask that you give peace and prosperity to all. No one deserves to live without them." "I will grant you this and more," The higher dimensional being snapped its fingers. And I'll take you and more as payment. "You will be pleased, I guarantee it." Or your worthless lives back. The professor looked up. "Thank you!" He began to weep. "Thank you!" Doors unlocked and swung open all throughout the building, the halls flooded with rapturous joy. And that's when it jumped off the teleporter, taking the world away before it could even land on the floor. Goodbye and goodnight. Sleep tight. Razmon laughed, in the void, where it searches for more.                                                                                                               FIN Player option 2.c) "Who are you and what have you done to me?" "I, uh," A grin slowly formed on the professor's face. "I created you." Player option 2.c.a: Really? Player option 2.c.b: Why? Player option 2.c.b) "Why?" "Because if things don't change around here, we'll be stuck for another two hundred years." The professor took a couple steps forward, hands behind his back. "Now, we can talk about the ethics of creating sentient servents all day long, but I'm more interested in getting a fresh start in this thing we call, life. What do you say? Want to make our dreams come true?" No more questions, no more riddles. Playtime is over. The higher dimensional being shook its head, always doing as it pleases. "Typical. They hear a word about interdimensional C-drifts and they think they can identify it." "Shit!" The professor reached into an outer pocket of his labcoat. "Looking for this?" Razmon, the trickster god, waved the detonator in its hand. "I didn't really appreciate it the last time, so," Gone, the world. Gone, everyone. "Fuck you." Plunged back into the void, to appear somewhere else, to feast again, Razmon goes on and on.                                                                                                                FIN Player option 1.b.a) "Maybe you're not as worthless as I thought." Razmon slow clapped. "Maybe you do belong in your paradise." It hopped down from the teleporter and took a few steps towards him. "Fortunately, you won't have to worry about anything anymore." "So? You-you'll make it happen? You'll do it?" Razmon smiled, standing still. "Of course, the faithful deserve the fruit of their labor." The professor stared at the trickster god, waiting for the act to end. "It's what's fair." "Which is why it is true, now and forever." Shoulders dropping, a sigh of relief, the professor lowered his head. "Thank you...We really nee-The higher dimensional being took him and the world away, the variety in flavor proving to be lacking. To find what was missing, it all blends in, world to world, Razmon stops at nothing.                                                                                                                      FIN Player option 2.c.a) "Really?" "Yes," The professor nodded, serious now, watching. Slowly leaning back, his face lit up. He blew a raspberry and danced in place, then stopped, eyes cast on the floor. I knew there was a reason why these feebleminded creatures belong to me. Razmon looked on, unimpressed. Most would be better off never existing in the first place.    The silence restored the professor's courage, and he lifted his eyes up to the teleporter. The blank expression staring back at him brought back the grin on his face. "As I was saying," He walked towards the seemingly oblivious trickster god, hands behind his back. "I created you...Brought you into this world... And bestowed upon you some of my power...Now, we must test this power, to see if you are fit to rule beside me. Is that clear?" "Very clear," Taking away all reality from the professor and his world, Razmon ended up back in the void, restless. Its striving, eternal.                                                                                                                   FIN

So who wants to help proofread on 12/23/2023 8:01:12 PM
I used third person limited. The direct thoughts do not have thought tags, but action tags. I see using more words would help.

So who wants to help proofread on 12/23/2023 7:46:33 PM
Yeah, if I have to explain it this much....

So who wants to help proofread on 12/23/2023 7:43:52 PM
But if the being the professor is talking to is Razmon and you're the one choosing what to say next? And you get to read Razmon's direct thoughts in two of the endings.