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  I had fun writing that thingy about the 1975, so I decided to write another thingy. This is about the first and only time I've played DnD... STORYFIED!

 

 IT WAS GONNA BE GREAT. My friend (lets call her Biggs) had invited yours truly + another friend (lets call her Wedge) over to her GRAND BIRTHDAY BASH….At her house. To play DnD. I was super, mega, incredibly excited, because:

1. Friendship was great, I love friendship. Birthday invitations are an expression of friendship and for the first time in forever I was actually able to make it to a party.

2. Wedge would be there. Wedge and I are besties. Wedge and I have chemistry. The explosive, obnoxious, 5 year old kind.

3. We would play DnD and my parents had always banned it because of dirty, Jesus-hatin’ black magic. Harry Potter was OK, though.

 So we were off to the races.

 “Happy Birthday, Biiiiggs!” I gushed as I shoved my wrapped gift of a 5 dollar bargain bin point and click fairy themed trash game into her face. I was proud. I had the worst gift. Biggs threw the gift to the side and quickly ushered us to the table because we all knew what we were really here for.

 Dee En Deeeee.

 She sat down at the head of the table next to a computer audio skyping a Nordic guy named Sebastian (he would be playing with us) and proceeded to debrief us on the mechanics of the game, which were boring. Then she explained the canon of the game, which was still kinda boring. Wedge and I zoned out. There was a lot of math.

 “So,” She finally said, slipping us papers with graphs for character growth or whatever, “I hope you prepared your players.”

 Yes, Biggs, yes I did. I was ecstatic. I threw my masterpieces forward and explained in depth the personality, traits and backstory of my fabulous new creation.

 Biggs was not impressed.

 “What the fuck, Puddle. You can’t name your character ‘Sandy’ Sanderson Flagpole Smackhand.”

 “Why not?” I asked, seriously confused.

 “Because you fucking can’t. It...You can’t...Fuck. It doesn’t fit with the canon! And he can’t have kids!”

 “But Caesar and Kimchi Smackhand are necessary for developing the blossoming single father that is Sandy! They don’t have to be actual characters. Caesar can just be an attachment, like those backpacks you stuff babies into--”

 “No. And no #1 Dad foam hand or whatever the shit that is. Wedge, what did you make?”

 Wedge’s character was a sparkling ninja named Panty Raid. We had to scrap both our characters and start again.

***

 So we were off to the races.

 “Um...I curl up in a ball under the bar counter and sip sadly at my Captain Morgan’s, in hopes that I commit suicide via alcohol poisoning.” It was my turn and nothing cool had happened yet. I was dying of boredom. Both in game and out of it.

 Biggs, however, was set on being the ultimate square. “Why the fuck are you doing that?”

 “Kelly Krackjaw has lost everything. He’s lost his band, his electric guitar--”

 “Canon.”

 “--Lute, he’s lost his friends...What’s the point? Why even do anything anymore? Between his bleary life and the comforts of his addiction, there is no contest.”

 Biggs sighed and I rolled the die. I got a twenty.

 “You successfully die of alcohol poisoning.” She mumbled, defeated.

 “I loot the body,” Wedge said, “Planting a loving kiss on the forehead of the tiny dancer.”

 We both laughed as the enraged DM explained yet again that as a bard, my specialty was that of instruments not of bodily expression.

***

 Being dead in DnD was great because even though I was not allowed to float around as a ghostie, I was still allowed to explain in detail all the weird things eating my body. This finally stopped when Sebastion, our dear Nordic wizard, threw some life-giving potion on me and I was miraculously revived.

 “Spyarmf! Wh-What have you done!” I sputtered, throwing my hands in the air, “I was dead! I was free at last! My pain! Anguish! In erasing my life, I was erasing my betrayal, my sin. My sadness had disappeared…”

 Sebastion/Spyarmf’s majestic voice crackled through the cruddy laptop. “Suicide is never answer,” he said, “I hope you can find hope in life because life is actually pretty awesome, haha.”

 “Pshht, sounds legit.”

 Wedge tried to shower us in confetti but had to make do with grass, because of canon.

***

 Obviously, Biggs had to explode. It was inevitable. It’s kinda hard to remember exactly what set her off, but it could’ve been any combination of things, in any order. Wedge and I’s constant serenading of local NPCs? Kelly Krackjaw’s endless attempts at death? The fact that anytime any of one of us met an ancient potion merchant, we tried to force oral sex onto him? Well, something happened, and it was great.

 “No,” Biggs grumbled, slamming their hand down with a heaviness only achieved through war or post-rave Tacobell visits, “I am done with you fucking guys. All you do is try to fuck the potion guy or whatever he fuck. Naming your characters fucking Flag-fucking-pole or whatever the shit, I’m fucking done with you guys. Fuck. I can’t take you guys seriously. I’m just trying to play my fucking game and there you go, trying to fuck the potion guy and fuck shit up all over the place, what the fuck. It’s my fucking birthday party. I’m just trying to have a good time but you keep fucking the potion guy.”

 And then, red faced and all-fucked-out, she crouched in the corner of the kitchen to take a chill pill.

 Sebastian, Wedge and I all felt pretty bad.

 “I’m sorry, man,” I whimpered from around the corner. It was her birthday and all. “I promise to be better. We just got carried away.”

 Biggs sniffed angrily. “You better fucking play by the canon.”

 “Yeah...”

 “What was that?”

 I probably looked constipated. It physically pained me to utter those words. “Yeah, I’ll play by the canon.”

 “Jesus Christ, finally.”

***

 And so we played comfortably (albeit with less spice) for a few rounds, and the tiny rage factory seemed to have calmed down. Sebastian and I became a power couple, and Wedge was never far behind, scaling walls and stealing purses like nobody’s business. Our comments to potion merchant was left up for interpretation. Everything was fine and dandy until Bigg’s other pal, uh, Paroom, showed up, and it seemed that all our progress was suddenly flung out the window.

 “My character is an unhuman metaphysical beast with many tentacles that has achieved god-like status!” Paroom exclaimed.

 I glanced at his sheet. “Hey, is that the flying spaghetti monster?”

 Everybody was kicked out.

 

Ya'll can tell me about your DnD experiences n' stuff, 'cos my VG teacher invited me too play a few rounds over the summer and i could use the inspiration! Of course I don't intend on getting kicked out again.

 

 

My only venture into DnD lasted a grand total of twenty minutes. Everyone had just started the journey, and there's a dead horse blocking the road that was shot with arrows. For fifteen minutes, we argued over who should move the horse - the DM didn't know how to control us - and finally someone rolls a 2 and moves the horse, breaking their leg in the process. Someone then rolled to move the horse back into place, so that they can move the horse for themselves out of the way again. Then we're ambushed by goblins - our healer didn't understand his stat sheet, leading to him trying to chop one of the goblin's dick off. He rolled a 2 and his staff bounced off. Everyone but the tank promptly died, and the DM gave up. 

Look, the point of DnD is to tell a cool story. You explore your character's friendships or lack thereof and reaffirm them by cooperating to solve a puzzle, unveil a conspiracy, fight a monater, or, shit, maybe sitting around developing your character's is ALL you're doing. Not a common thing for a campaign, but it happens and it's cool. The fact remains, you're trying to tell a story together.

That means you have to build and enter an agreed upon world together. The "canon" is important, without it you have no story, no reason for your characters to be there, and no grounds for your characters to be a contribution to the story as much as a collection of random actions.

And some GMS are quick on their feet, and they will be gracious enough to allow some things to be part of the story that normally wouldn't fit, as long as they can be explained and are suitably awesome. But there's a difference between being an unorthodox contributor and being an obstructively facetious jerk. Take a gander at Darths and Droids, (or, more fittingly, the LOTR thing they did, where things like metal band dancers WOULDN'T have fit.) Everyone, for the most part, plays their paet. Everyone has their own ideas and agendas both in and out of character, and they even go off-script derailing entire campaigns. All the same, a cool adventure is haf, and, more importantly, EVERYONE IS HAVING FUN. Not just the players, not just the GM, not just the two smart asses making up sitcom characters with silly names.

Would the game be amusing if it just randomly threw in a bunch of characters from Jackie Chan's Police Story, named them all after presidents, and then made then the Mushroom Monk Chef Squad or some shit? Maybe initially. But with no bearing on the world they were haphazardly shoved into, and no consideration for the contributions of other people, it's ultimately an anti-contribution and Jackie Washington and co. Are just making things a pain in the ass for everyone else involved.

I know you probably didn't mean to come off as a cynical tool, and you like to be more easygoing in your storytelling style to allow for stuff like that, but that's not something everyone can or should be able to do with their stories, and it's not something you should expect from other people going into a cooperative experience. The canon and plot need to be respected, or there's ultimately no point.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounded like Briggs just wanted to have a fun storytelling time with their friends, and it got fucked beyond all reason by people getting fixated on retarded things and being disinterested in the common ground Briggs presented. Imo, it's easy to see why they're upset, especially after calling in a friend they haven't seen in forever to play a game they had to put a lot of effort into setting up, only to have it befuckled by that same friend just messing around and dedicating disproportionate amounts of time to inane things. It's annoying, disrespectful, and disappointing, and I can understand why they were upset with you.

Even if you think the Canon and shit is boring, it's not your job to give a shit about that. You don't liven it up by running around being a dungus and trying to force characters that don't work but entertain you into the story. You liven it up by jumping onto something that interests you about the setting and jumping onto it and developing that. You like the way the Elves have a certain holiday in this setting? Make a bard or somebody who's an organizer of town events for the Elves. Does one tribe of warriors devour the flesh of their enemies? Maybe you're a Barbarian Chef. If you're not trying to make it work, you may as well just be honest and say you're not that interested in playing. This "lol, troll'd, guess these guys just aren't CREATIVE enough, anirite?" attitude being displayed is a pretty inconsiderate playstyle for a game that's supposed to bring people together.

 

  Hehe, I totally get what you're saying. It's cool to see you get coherent and fiery! Alright, i'ma make a list:

1. This was in middle school, I think. We were all incoherent jerks because middle schoolers are often (and inexcusably) like that. Hopefully since then I've learned something. I know for a fact that my attention span is a little better.
2. Biggs is a notorious square, but still, having your two friends gang up on you with "lol random" 4chan garbage is pretty dang frustrating. We've gotten a lot better about that. I think.
3. It wasn't allll "RAWR! Flying potato!" the whole time. By the end, were playing comfortably and semi-normally, or at least until the spaghetti guy showed up.

  So I understand this big thingy you wrote, 'cos it makes total sense. Since writing this, I've gone over and hung out with The Bois™ and I've had a gosh-darn-dandy time, and yes, I'm playing by the canon. Every story needs some sort of structure, otherwise, it's a ton of unsupported reddit trash and nobody has a good time. DnD (or at least the one I'm playing) takes a while to develop and since those sad, middle school days, I've gained more patience. I'm still playing as Kelly Krackjaw, but he's no longer suicidal to the point of annoyance. Cannon is pretty alright. 

  I sure hope I'm not a complete LELtroll, although that might be hard to see from my sort of inconsiderate writing. Yeesh. Well, anyways, you make some great points, lol xd.

Haha, yeah. I didn't mean to harp on your style as much as I probably did, it's just that when you go in expecting certain things, I suppose it can be tough to deal with a puddlebunni shake-up, especially when you're trying to establish the place you're about to play in. The context definitely helps though, and seeing that, I can see the situation on the light you probably intended, and it is a funny story. The first time I read it with only that being established, I figured it was something that happened fairly recently, and I was only really thinking about how bummed out I'd be to play DnD like that, or have someone play like that in a session. I didn't mean to be angry, just concerned.