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Well, this's just an exceprt of something I wrote a little over month ago. I'm just wondering to see if y'all think I'm getting better or not because the last "real" thing I did here is several months old. Thanks.

Background info for know what's going on-- Blair has been having a bad day, so she went to see her good and largely only friend Ezekiel. Ages: 15ish. Location: an appartment in a city. Blair: bossy but tries to be sorta nice to her friend. Ezekiel: thughtful but doens't express himself much and has no self-confidence.
ALso, italisized words are inner thoughts from Blair's POV.

ZZZ

Blair takes the stairs up. Of course, the elevator would be faster, but the act of doing something relieves stress. Even if that something doesn’t help, it’s better than sitting around like a lazy bastard. As she walks to the front door, she hears something surprising, maybe one of the most surprising things since she arrived at this stupid country. She opens the door quietly.

Yeah, I’m not hearing things. It’s a bit slower than the tempos she’s used to hearing, but an old piece of music lofts out the door. She recognizes the piece immediately. It is German after all. Bach’s Cello Suite, number one. I didn’t know he listened to this stuff.

She steps through the doorway, ready to congratulate him on some sensible taste of music. Still, she feels a somber tone, maybe a bit reflective. There are happier versions of it for him to listen to. Maybe she could buy him a better set. She peeks from behind the doorway to the living room. Yeah, I have such a g-

Holy shit.

Ezekiel sits on a chair, looking out the window, but he’s playing the cello. This music. This haunting, solemn rendition. It’s Ezekiel, her Ezekiel. Blair stands frozen in place. Her brain tries to comprehend this sudden change to how she views him. Music is one of the many doorways to the soul. If this’s his soul, then it’s a damned dark place. Plus, he plays the cello like a professional. Where did he even get that cello?

Then, the music stops; the song ended. He leans back, eyes still transfixed to the setting sun. He visited his mother’s grave today with his father. What did then he do? He took out his cello and played THIS. He needs a friend’s help. RIGHT NOW.

Careful to not let her footsteps make a sound, she walks up to her roommate. “Can you play the prelude to the fourth?”

She startles him to where he almost drops the cello. His entire body jerks to face her. “W-what are you… Um.”
She gives the warmest and most sincere smile possible for her. “The prelude to Bach’s fourth cello suite. Could you play it for me?” I always thought that one was upbeat.

“I, uh.” He looks down at his cello. “It’s the hardest one, and I’m not really good at this.”

She walks in front of him and kneels down, forcing his lowered gaze to be on her.

“Bullshit. That was amazing. You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but please play it. Play it happy, for me.”
He gulps and closes his eyes. “Are you sure?”
“Please.”
“Okay.”

Blair sits down in front of him. He messes with his strings for a moment. Then, he raises his bow to the four strings. Music flows forth.

His face twists into a contorted disaster. Rage, sorrow, joy, so much more. It’s all there fighting for control. Still, the music plays. His hand dances across the strings. He opens his eyes. Somehow, they’re both dead and alive, burning with energy and passion but broken and numb.

The notes stream into each other. Murmuring onwards, they connect to form the melody. True to his word, it’s happy, but there’s something hidden behind the happiness. Madness and loneliness. The music increases in notes and tempo. His fingers fly as if possessed. His breathing quickens. Nothing else matters in this instant. It’s just the music, the creation of auditory ecstasy.

Then, the music stops; the song ended.

“Sorry. I made some mistakes, and others played it much better before.” He grimaces. He sets the cello down in a case by his feet.
“Maybe you could play more for me in the future?”
“What?” He looks at her puzzled.
“I like your playing, Ezekiel. I’ll be flattered…” She blushes. “If you’d be okay for letting me hear you.”
His eyes light up. “You really mean that?”
“Yes.”

Blair smiles, and he smiles back.

ZZZ

There you go. Is this at least better than what I used to put out?

Yeah, I'm going to disappoint you and be the newbie who critiques this post on its own merit instead of the senior who can compare it to your old ones. I'll try to point things out as I read them. I'm sure typos were made only because of speed writing, but I'll correct them anyway because I'm sadistic.

This is just my two cents, don't fret.

• 'maybe one of the most surprising things since she arrived at this stupid country.'  You usually arrive in a country, not at a country. And this is just a thought of mine, but is Bach's Cello Suite really the most surprising thing she's come across while in the US? Yes, I know she expected country music, but still.
• Does Blair have the keys to her best friend's apartment?
• 'music lofts out the door'. Interesting choice of verb, but out of the door, not out the door.
• music taste or taste in music, not 'taste of music'. Nom nom.
• Plot question: is Ezekiel playing the piece on the cello really that more shocking to her than him listening to it on some cd? I know that actually playing an instrument usually produces more emotional involvement, but judging from her reaction I thought he was going to jump out of the window. And just seconds earlier, when listening to the same piece coming out of his room, Blair's response was "eh, sad but good taste". Her reaction to Ezekiel playing the cello like a pro instead was much more relatable.
• 'What did then he do?' Do be do be do, syntactic order.
• 'He needs a friend's help'.
• Well at least we have the dramatic music with the facial expressions. Ah, it was a happy piece.
• 'If you'd be okay for'. If you'd be okay with.

I'm glad this is part of a bigger story, because this excerpt doesn't involve me enough to care about Ezekiel and be moved by his music instead of amused by it. Maybe expanding on his personal history could have helped, but I'm sure the rest of this story is great. I read 'No Quarter' and 'Solstice' and you are able to write better than this.

you are my favorite newbie btw

Or maybe I'm Zake's alt ;)

If you have good critiques, I'll gladly accept them regardless of newb status. (They're good crituques too.)

Hm, I've been trying to write more based on how I speak just to make my writing not so dull. Some of my local slang got in apparently. In is right, but I often say at irl anyway. Blair selfidentifies as German (where she grew up). Maybe I should've mentioned that. This's the first time she heard anything reletively "home" until now.

Blair does have the keys actually. Nothing weird about that at all...

Why did I use of? Weird. Thanks for pointing that out.

Plot answer: Ezekiel is a pretty reserved kid, so doing something that she had no idea he could do and do it with a lot of emoton. Her surprise wasn't that the piece was being played but who was playing it.

Ouch, that hurt. I should've been able to catch that.

What was wrong with this one?

I thought this one sounded weird. I couldn't figure out what it was though. Well, now I know.

I agree. A short exceprt like this is hard to feel anything towards the characters. Thank you for the review though! Seeing another person's perspective helps a lot. For example, it seems as though I've been making mistakes with minor words like with, for, and of. I wouldn't have expected that.

It's certainly a good idea to make the language more similar to the one you use irl, if I remember that's something other users suggested you to do too.

Yes I figured out that Blair was German, it's just that "one of the most surprising things" seemed a bit much when I read it.

Ok Blair has the keys (for whatever reason) but you didn't tell us. One of the perks of posting excerpts I suppose ;)

Plot Q&A: all right it makes sense, but why didn't you explain it this clearly in the actual excerpt? If you don't explain people assume, and their ideas hardly ever coincide with your own.

Regarding "he needs a friend's help": I think I was wrong there sorry, I know it's grammatically correct but I never saw it before and it sounded strange to me, probably because I'm Italian lol.

 

 

>>>Background info for know what's going on-- Blair has been having a bad day, so she went to see her good and largely only friend Ezekiel. Ages: 15ish. Location: an appartment in a city. Blair: bossy but tries to be sorta nice to her friend. Ezekiel: thughtful but doens't express himself much and has no self-confidence. ALso, italisized words are inner thoughts from Blair's POV.

WIBN, are you drunk?

The actual writing is for the most part fine, definitely an improvement on some of your older stuff I've read, just a lot of Blair's reactions seem strange.

I'm not sure a whole paragraph about taking the stairs instead of the elevator was needed, but the first thing that really stood out was that Ezekiel doesn't even lock his door? And Blair just creeping on in there also seems weird, I try not to walk in on potentially naked friends or even family if I can avoid it and would generally consider it polite to let them know in advance before I even come over.

The double emphasis on how 'surprising' somebody playing a pretty common piece music was was also a bit much, as undr pointed out, and I agree with him also that it was a bit much how utterly shocked he was that a person she knew could play an instrument.

He needs a friend’s help. RIGHT NOW. //...might be just a tad bit of an overreaction? As well as immediately starting to reflect on the 'darkness of his soul' just a moment before? 'Whoops I may have accidentally butted in on a pretty personal moment while entering my friend's home literally without his permission or knowledge, I hope he's not upset on being so intruded on' might be a more natural one.

He leans back, eyes still transfixed to the setting sun. // transfixed 'on' or even just 'fixed on' rather than 'to' sounds more natural I'd say

What did then he do? // Did you swap some words around here?

Anyway the last few paragraphs is where this is the strongest by far, the description of him playing are very well done. Music is difficult to describe in text form, there really aren't that many words in English for sound for one thing. Blair herself just rubs me the wrong way, she comes off a little pushy with the whole 'FUCK YOUR FEELINGS BE HAPPY NOW I DEMAND IT' bit which...would not be a very sensitive way to treat someone actually going through a rough time IMO, but this is a passage taken out of context of course, and you did say she was bossy...

I'm not drunk. I was in a rush and only used the message bow under Ford and Brad extension thingy. It doesn't have spell/grammar check. I'm a sloppy typer. The excerpt was written in word doc (07).

Blair has a key and goes in like that all the time. She would've announced herself, but she decided to stare at him playing instead. She also isn't a polite person, though you gathered that already.

I addressed the cello thing in Undr's reply. This also applies to the next paragraph too, but Blair is an overreactor on top of all her other problems. She's a self-absorbed bitch who slowly transforms into someone quite nice. This's in the transition period where she isn't that good at the "being nice" thing.

Dang it. There's another prepositional error. Also, I did accidentally switch him and then.

I like writing about music. I'm glad I didn't suck at it. Blair is pushy, and she isn't good at being empathetic. I had a fun time molding a background that'd make her present state understandable though. She eventually gets less annoying. Too bad I didn't post an excerpt from where I introduced her. She was a horrid person.

Thank you, Mizal!

Sorry if I forgot to write about the good parts in my previous post, as mizal said the 'fourth suite' paragraph is written well and shows Ezekiel's conflict. I'm looking forward to reading about his tragic past, maybe then I'll be more involved.

It's a liniar story, so it won't be a storygame, but I will post a link to it in my profile when it's completed. I'm much too fond of this story to hide it from y'all.

Just lol if you think anyone is going to read a linear 120k off site story. Sounds great, can't wait! :) :) :)