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New story

13 days ago

It not a cys but tell me what yall think about it and what i should fix. if yall like it i might share chapter 3

New story

13 days ago

                                               THE SHADOW QUEEN HEIR 

                     

                                                               Chapter 1 

                                                         The strange men 

Would you believe me if I told you I was someone important... well I wouldn't and in fact, I didn't until that faithful Monday morning when two buff men that look like they went to war twice and survived came to my adoptive parents house and they said that I'm a princess “blah blah blah” and that on my 18th birthday they would come to pick me up. “That's such a short time” says my adoptive mom cleressa, her birthday is two days from now, “we’re only here to give you the message ma'am” says one of the buff men, as he says that he gives a salute that I never seen before.                             

 

                                                  Chapter 2 

                                           A little background 

It been two-days since that day and today those men are back to pick me up and they were not alone. They were with a group of 3 girls and 3 boys, and they all looked my age, I guess they wanted me to have someone my age to talk to, while were going were ever we’re going but they were wearing uniforms the boys were wearing black shorts with a gold outline and a black shirt while the girls were wearing a black dress with gold outline on the bottom. I felt weird being the only one with a white shirt, jeans and a red and black jacket around my waist and my black hair was in a messy bun my mom made. “Hello" I say shyly, they all look at me and I turn red with embarrassment and promised to stay quiet the rest of the way even though I knew I could not shut my mouth if my life depended on it. “...” one of the strong looking guys from last time said something in another language I never heard before but felt familiar with it. “Get in the car” one of the 3 boys with a name tag that says Liam “we will explain on the way”, I follow them into the limo that he called a car so naturally “anyways, can you explain where I'm going and what going on” I ask “calm down princess” say another guy who has the name of Nicoles. As he says that I completely ignore him and said “did y'all hear something” everyone started laughing and he glare at them, and they start to laugh louder as the car started to move, I ask where the two buff men were, they all look at me and says that they went ahead and that it’s there job to bring me safely to the “other world” “what’s the other world” I ask, Roxy one of the girls and the only girl that have talk so far says “the other world is where thing that are  not human lives” “but I'm human” I say back “that not true your mom...your real mom is the queen of this other world we call her the shadow queen” “so what is she” I ask they all look at each other and says “everything” and start to talk to each other like I was not there but I really did not care because I was starting to feel sleepy. 

New story

13 days ago

Hey this is looking great so far! Future Mercer Gang in the making! 

As for some advice... make sure to add some punctuation after dialogue, but still in the parentheses. Like so - 

"Hello," I say shyly. 

Or -

"Hello." I say shyly.

Check out https://chooseyourstory.com/help/articles/article.aspx?ArticleId=4309 by Gower for more help. It'll go more indepth on Dialogue Punctuation. :) 

 

New story

12 days ago

thanks

New story

6 days ago
Chapters are often longer. I mean, I get where you made the scene change, which can be a chapter separator, but that feels forced. Maybe you could add a lot to the first chapter with more setting of the scene and getting the reader to know the character before you move on to the next space in time. Try and make the reader like your main character.