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I believe I wrote this about a year ago, as I remember sharing it at a thanksgiving family gathering. It may be older than that, really. I'm open to any feedback if someone wants to give it! Generally any kind of reviews, questions, theories, etc, make me really happy!

- Scene begins -

Lazu sat at her desk, the dust just brushed off from weeks of disuse. She rarely used her desk, most things she did as a spymaster were in person and verbal. Occasionally she would sit down, and check the work of those whose job it was to break code of other kingdoms. 

Really, today she just didn’t feel like interacting with anyone. Normally her time of month was quite tame, but this month it was particularly painful. It left her in a foul mood, but at least it seemed the code cracking work was sound. 

Behind her she could hear the door to the office opening. In her small mirror she could tell it was the Queen of Alteria, or as Lazu knew her, Nora. She spun around on her chair, and draping her arms across the back of it, looked at the newcomer to her office. 

“Hey Nora, need anything?”

Nora raised an eyebrow, “Must I need a reason to visit a friend?”

Normally Lazu would accept the little lie, let the comfort of ‘friend’ roll over her and let her feel wanted for more than her skillset and the danger she posed as an enemy, but today she was not in the mood. “Right, so what’s your reason?”

Nora sighed, rubbing the bridge of her nose, and crossing her arms. “What’s wrong Lazu?”

“I’m not in the mood for games, what do you want?” Nora acted as a friend, let Lazu believe she was a friend. But it wasn’t real, it’s simply how she could be controlled, and hell it worked. She gave her unwavering loyalty, for the illusion of true friendship.   

Nora’s furrow creases, and her glittering black dragon wings spread out the slightest bit in annoyance. “Dammit Lazu, I’m not playing any games. I’m worried about you.”

Lazu was not in the mood for this. She got up, intending to exit through a second door. Lazu wouldn’t accept an office with one exit. As she made her way out, she felt Nora grab her arm, a cool coin shaped metal seemingly attached to the glove she was wearing. 

Lazu knew what the metal was instantly, her entire body tensing as her magic was suddenly locked away by the touch of the nullium metal. Her mind spun for a way to get out, but Nora’s grip was firm and she had the strength and agility to keep it that way. Lazu was at her mercy.

Was Nora done with her? Had all these years, simply been a plot as Nora got her hands on the nullium she needed for Lazu to no longer be a threat?  

Nora snapped her fingers in front of Lazu’s face, and Lazu looked at her, unable to hide the fear on her face. Nora seemed like she couldn’t decide between frustration and concern, it wasn’t the face of someone about to kill. 

“Lazu…” her voice was soft, and shaking. Nora took a breath, starting again more confident and firm. “Lazu. You are my friend. Not because I fear you, or because I want your ability. You could quit right now, and nothing would change. You are my friend, I care about you.”

Nora released Lazu as she began to shake, an apology quivered on her lips unspoken but not unnoticed. Her eyes sparkled with concern. Nora caught Lazu as she slowly crumpled to the ground under the barrage of emotions, so many of them felt so rarely that she couldn’t sort through them. Nora’s wings wrapped around them both, as Lazu cried silently into her shoulder.

It shows off your writing style well despite a few technical aspects, but it seems like a random excerpt from a larger story and I get the sense some things are lost without the context from the rest of it.

They both seem awfully demonstratively emotional for the actual events that transpire on the page, and there are all these fantasy tidbits that don't seem super relevant to the rest dropped about the setting and characters without much fanfare. One character being the Queen of someplace and having wings, for instance. (Or idk, maybe this is some fanfic thing.)

"the barrage of emotions" is a little bit of a cliched phrasing, and kind of sticks out from the rest imo.

But what is here is well done, I mean there's always room for nitpicking anything, but you get the scene across clearly and the fact that these characters do have a pretty involved history.

The quivering lips made this read like lesbian erotica. This isn't an exhaustive list, just all the things that I can be bothered to mention in the time that I have.

 

Good:

The dialogue was solid.

There was some characterization.

Sentences that I liked: 

But it wasn’t real, it’s simply how she could be controlled, and hell it worked.

Her mind spun for a way to get out, but Nora’s grip was firm and she had the strength and agility to keep it that way.

Lazu was at her mercy.

 

Bad:

Lots of comma errors. Check out OWL at Purdue for all of its comma lessons.

Who puts their desk with their back to the door? Especially a spymaster?

The line with her draping her arms across the back of her chair is confusing to picture. Spinning around on your chair usually means the back of your chair spins along with your back, so she would have had to already been sitting backwards on her chair to mean what I think you meant.

Why would she be wanted for the danger that she posed as an enemy?

Is her arm a cool coin shaped metal? That sentence is very confusing.

 

Ugly:

"Scene begins" is unnecessary.

Raising an eyebrow is not a dialogue tag.

 

Overall, 6/10.

Honestly I've reached the point where I'm just happy to see a noob posting full paragraphs that aren't toaster slop.

     This is decent, but the fact that it's old likely means you can do better now.

     I felt this was a bit off, like something was wrong and I couldn't tell what, but urnam0 already pointed some things out. Also yeah, the scene begins thing was weird to me.

     Because one of the things you mentioned liking was theories, is Nora a dragon person? That's the impression I get from the wings. And is Lazu a dragon person? This is more of a stretch since you didn't mention wings for her, but she's likely some magical being that's not a human. First of all, magical creatures are more likely to have magic than humans in fantasy stories and second of all her dizzy reaction to having her magic cut off makes me think she's highly reliant on it.