Forums » Writing Workshop » Read Thread

Superhero Academy is the title of the new game I'm working on. It's UNPUBLISHED.

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/superhero-academy

That's the link and here's the description.

It is the year 2040, and the world is in danger due to rampant crimes and powerful villains. Individuals with inhuman abilities are appearing all around the globe.
The government, in a desperate move, enlists the help of some of these super humans to start a 'Superhero Academy', where ordinary children such as yourself can be taught such abilities, and make it into the world as a superhero to protect the citizens.
But first, can you even get through the first year?

I've categorised this as 'Fantasy Adventure' currently, but I don't really know! So please, if you could help me out that'd be great!

Also looking for crits and help since I'm not very experienced at making things. Constructive criticism appreciated.

Please don't comment or rate on unpublished story. Do it here instead.

Thanks so much for reading!!!

 

Not able to read it just at the moment but the first page looks pretty promising. Too bad you weren't around for the hero contest last year, but the site could really use a few more superhero stories. I'm working on one on and off myself.

Doesn't really look like this belongs in fantasy though, School Based or Sci Fi would be a better fit.

Oh thanks! Please do read it if you have the time.

The genre School Based would be more appropriate, I agree. Thank you for the suggestion!
 

Well might as well go back to offering my opinion on stuff.

Overall
Let me start by saying, this looks rather good. It has potential. The main thing that I'm worried about is how you are going to end it, and how you will integrate choices into the story. Both these things are something I can't get a feel for from what you have done so far, as it is too little to represent the whole thing. Also, due to being rather open ended (or feeling like it), I do wonder where the plot will go.

I should mention, the first years end is where the story will likely finish, as that is basically stated by the description, but it is HOW you write the ending that I'm worried about, because of the open ended nature. I fear that it will be a sudden "That's all, part 2 coming soon". If you do this, the issue is that the branching will likely be minimal/nonexistent.

Remember that this is a storygame site, so a linear story will likely do badly. Splitting stories into parts can also lead to plots being stretched, leading to unsatisfying endings. Anyway, enough rambling about stuff you probably won't fall into the trap of.

The writing looked good, and I was surprised by the news section on the first page. I don't want to nitpick because (it will probably sound stupid and) it is likely not reflective of the final product, since proofreading and all.

Items
Be careful here, if you are using items you don't want them to be meaningless, but you also don't want to cause yourself difficulty in writing scenes when a player has 50 items and is confused why the bottle from the beginning isn't saving the day when it is clearly the best choice.

Also, I'd play though the story yourself, keeping an eye on the form item. You end up having the signed + non signed form at the same time. Then you mail the non signed form, while keeping the signed form.

Twelve
The main character is twelve! I have to point this out, since I will be very disappointed if a twelve year old ends up being a super-bad-ass/intellectual/whatever-else-twelve-year-old's-aren't. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure conditions can lead to people being wise beyond their years, or having heaps of muscles or whatever, but if you are going for some realism (which seems to be the case) it will be important to be careful with what the character does. So far they are mostly just a happy kid wanting to be a super hero, keep in mind the character development that will likely end up occurring, and don't suddenly jump from one side to the other. It will kill suspension of disbelief.

Setting
Not much has been established yet, but what is here has piqued my interest. I will mention the tone feels a bit off, since the Dome sounds rather menacing, while the fact you can give up on being a super hero ends with you living a 'normal' life perfectly fine, does not. Granted, the character is a kid, and this is all still very early on, so the tone you end up with will be decided depending on the next few pages (if you ask me). Worth keeping this in mind. You just want to avoid constant tone clashes, thought I wouldn't call what you have here clashing, but it could get to that point.

Dome Money
I advice calling it money, dollars, pounds, yen, euros, bling, $$$, or some other real life equivalent. Can help with keeping suspension of disbelief in a super hero story, where most the time super powers/heroes are used in sharp contrast with reality, usually for some reason. This means you want to keep some aspects grounded in reality, as that helps readers relate and be immersed better.

I will say, the fact that newspapers exist is one example of reality. They exist in Outside (real life) as well! However, I will say, one nitpick, newspapers in 2040? I don't know the state of newspapers in the real world (might be a booming industry idk), but I am mainly pointing this out to remind you of your setting date.

A lot can happen in 22 years. Worth keeping this in mind, since it can be used to explain away some things that wouldn't fit in today's world (this helps with suspension of disbelief!). It can also allow some very interesting world building options, and they are more likely to be accepted by readers.

Conclusion
Hopefully you get something useful from this, remember to read it while keeping your own views on your story in mind. I might have missed something obvious that explains away one of my concerns or something.

Anyhow, good luck writing this, it definitely has potential and I have hope that it will turn out well... with that said, there will likely be hardships ahead, so do preserver and remember to proofread at the end (and throughout).

TL;DR
So, this has potential, but so far there isn't much to go off, as such do keep writing. Also keep in mind your genre (modern super heroes), keep writing, and make sure to proofread at the end (and throughout). Finally good luck!

P.S. I encourage you to post again when you have made more substantial progress, as that can help you get some more in depth feedback rather than the more general stuff I have given. Granted, you probably posted this to get people's reaction to what you have so far, which is perfectly fine, but do consider my previous sentence.

I disagree about the twelve thing. Arya Stark was younger than that throughout her thing, Clementine from the Walking Dead was nine when she did her badass shit, the guys from Naria were 13 at the oldest and I can think of a few other characters who were quite young while doing impressive things. Sure, it'll take growth as you said, but I think "badass" can certainly be achieved by someone super young.

Notable that none of these people you listed right now are real, some of them are quite annoying, and the Narnia books are children's stories.

Background is also important. Kids who have actual difficulties in their lives tend to mature faster emotionally, it's true, but not without being effected or stunted in other ways. And at the end of the day they're physically still kids, there's a body and brain development factor. They're also difficult to write believably in any circumstances and to give them opportunities to be 'bad ass' in the first place requires shoving most or all adults out of the picture for an extended length of time. Easier to do without stretching suspension of belief in some settings more than others.

I'm speaking more in general right now of course, I won't be able to see how you handled it in the story until I get home.

Well obviously none of them are real, but neither are superheroes. In regards to Arya and Clementine, they're characters in more realistic settings than usual. Plus, I don't think the author of this is going for super realistic given the maturity rating's 3/8, it's fairly close to a child friendly game.

Hmm I will admit I forget about the maturity ratings being a thing, as that would definitely effect what sort of story they'd be going for (I imagine). Definitely worth keeping in mind your general audience as you write.

Anyway good point regarding young characters, guess I just couldn't think of any examples at the time despite there being plenty. As such it is probably more doable than I initially thought. I will just shift my point a bit and say that character development should still not be a sudden jump from a happy kid w/ a normal life to a super hero bad-ass... but I bet there is a way to do that too, so I guess it just needs some explanation for me to be fine with it.

A modernish setting needs an explanation from a legality and rights standpoint too, at least if it's going for any sort of realism. Not just to explain away child soldiers but there's the rights of the people they're going after and the legality of stepping on the toes of legitimate authorities and wouldn't defense lawyers have a field day and...lol I'm probably overthinking this but working all that out was a major obstacle in my setting, and in the end there was still more vague handwaving at shady govt organizations than I wanted.

Shady government organizations is a very good guess.

Thanks for the huge amount of feedback ! I'll definitely keep this in mind as I write it. Yes, the form thing is pretty confusing. I'll get it to drop both the forms.

There is, in fact, an actual plot to this which I have in mind- something which gets you different endings. I plan to direct to the ending with the use of the items. In fact, the newspaper article from the beginning is a clue to the plot.

And thanks for the suggestion about the newspaper. I think I'll have it download directly onto a kind of kindle which they all have. Seems more futuristic to me. I must have overlooked the date when I was writing about the newspaper.

From my experience, due to the fact that I used to take part in some pretty rigorous training for my competitive swimming at that age, twelve year olds can develop a good physical condition depending on how much they train. I went for that age as the 'child' part of it is essential to the plot. But, of course ridiculous jumps in character are pretty much unbelievable.

Again, thank you for doing this!

Zake did a good job of summarizing a lot you could do. I'd also recommend changing up your opening. Opening with directly telling me who I'm playing as isn't exactly the strongest way to open a game. Ideally, you'd try drop those in through context clues. For instance, if the protagonist starts off in the exact same scenario, but without you telling us directly what's happening, the reader will pretty quickly realize they're roughly child aged and named Tamara, given they respond to that name, so there's no need to start us out already out of the story by telling us those details.

Ideally, your opening would be a bit more energetic than just having breakfast, as well. There's loads of ways you could open it while still starting off in the same place. You could start with a news report of a villain attack on the TV, quickly setting up something to draw the reader in and establish that we're in a setting with supervillains, rather than slowly setting off into it with a family just having breakfast.

Definitely change DomeMoney. I know Zake said it, but it's really weird. You don't necessarily have to go with a real world currency. Units, thrones, crowns, units, credits,, whatever the fuck could work. DomeMoney is just bizarrely strange. It's like if in Europe we called it EuroMoney. It just doesn't make sense to have PLACENAME-MONEY as your thing.

Anyhow, good effort, I'm quite happy to see someone actually putting work in and not just publishing some terrible game and demanding praise. Hopefully, you stick around the site. Good luck, new blood.

The 'having breakfast' scene is just me trying to make it look like an ordinary life, until... The character introduction idea is fantastic! I'll surely revise that.

DomeMoney will be changed. I'm thinking credits sounds good.

I've updated the game and revised it. Please take a look!

Woo, nice, you kept writing. Will see what I can add. Post Writing Note - I nitpick more this time around, tell me if it is useful or just annoying. xD

Start
The start definitely looks better now. Helps establish things in a more show than tell way. There being more nods at the futuristic setting is also nice. Credits also helps point at a future setting, and is way less jarring than Dome money.

Academy
Bored adult on train gets very little description, so without you explicitly stating later if I am meeting them again, I won't know. Obviously, they might not be important in anyway, just a normal supervisor of the academy or whatever. However, if they are an important character and you wanted to give us a sneak peak, you might want to just give an extra sentence to help give him more of a character to them than just 'bored'.

I will also mention that I wonder how someone ends up with the name Merlin in a future setting. I mean, it is fine, name your characters what you want, and honestly getting good names can be a challenge. It is just that I personally find it weird, since the presidents parents basically named their kid after a character that they really liked. Wonder if the doctor/nurse found it strange when they saw their name application (or whatever is handed over when a baby is born).

Description/Pacing
I feel I should mention that I like the way you are handling descriptions so far. It isn't drawn out but there is still enough to form a picture in my head. I do think my view on this is heavily influenced by it being used at the start of the story, as at this point in time you generally want to have things progressing at a decent rate, to keep readers interested as they learn more so that they can get invested.

However, I do worry that if the descriptions stay at this level the whole time it might lead to the story feeling bland later on, when I end up being more invested and wanting more heavy details. With that said, who knows, I might be worrying for no good reason. Since you have mentioned having a plot in mind, it should turn out well as long as you can execute that well.

Gameplay
So far it mainly seems to be a "here is a page with many choices, pick as many as you want" type thing. Nothing wrong with that, I just do wonder how much of an impact these choices will actually have. You are obviously using variables (probably scripting too?) which makes me worried, as there are many bad ways for this to turn out (and many good ways of course, but I like to worry), such as: a highly linear story, a convoluted story with useless variables, or an extremely branching story that will end up never getting finished. Just don't forget about the bigger picture and you should be fine.

Also, it does look like a bottle neck style CYOA, which I like, so honestly, as long as you spend some time thinking about why you are offering choices and what you plan to do with them it should turn out well. I will mention having choices to grant the illusion of choice isn't necessarily bad either. Oh also, I like that my character stealing was mentioned on the train (using on page variables text thing, I assume,) which is nice. I also stole the wallet this read again as I assumed it wouldn't matter, but would just give me more money, yet that text addition made me think that it could end up mattering after all! Even if it doesn't, still a nice mention.

The Opposition
Is this what the 'bad guys' will be called? Just sounds... odd. Like, is their organisation/group/party called "the Opposition"? Since such a name for a group just wouldn't make sense if they end up truly wining, since then they won't have opposition which means they aren't 'the opposition' to anyone. I don't know, might be overthinking it. Heck, if there is a reason for that name it might even be a good name, but so far it just jolts me a little when I read it. Also, it read fine in the newspaper, but I wasn't reading it as their name then, but rather a description of what they were, in regards to the academy.

Shop
Oh also, asking for 100 credits from twelve year old's to tell them political propaganda seems really weird to me. Like, how did such a deal come about? Did the Opposition walk up to a random shopkeeper in the academy and go:
"Hey you, here, see this piece of paper? Read it aloud to new students in order to implant ideas into their heads. I'll make it worth your while."
"Oh sure, but I'll charge them for it so I make even more money!"
"..."
"What?"
"Genius! Just remember, you don't know me." *end scene*

Great, now I am wondering about the world's economy. Is 1 credit == 1$? Or is it different? Since 100 bucks for a few sentences that seem to be something the source would want given away for free seems odd. I might have misunderstood something, or be thinking about this the wrong way. Also I do wonder if me paying for that information is tracked by a variable, hmm. Anyway... moving on. (Oh also, the credit economy doesn't really matter, it is not the focus of the story, just make sure stuff costs makes sense relative to the costs of other things).

Schedule
I wonder what font you used for this. Granted, it is a schedule given to kids, so it isn't immersion breaking or anything. I just wonder if it is a font that an organisation would use on a schedule for kids irl. This is a bit of a nitpick, but the main thing is for you to consider if it makes sense to you. If you see nothing wrong with it don't change it, I'm no expert but am just questioning it for the sake of questioning it.

While I'm here, I might as well mention... how long are the periods? Like obviously no one expects you to make the perfect education system schedule or anything, but I'm just curious if "common education" is given the same time allocation as "superhero theory" or "breakfast". OK, I do assume that eating takes less time than learning, but lack of time allocation on a schedule is interesting.

Heck, while I am nitpicking I might mention that it is odd that they don't let you upload this stuff on your PIP (good acronym btw). It is the future with handed out schedules which don't tell you when but only where! Anyway, I will say that coming up with time allocation would be pretty tough, as you do need to make it up and leaving it open can be very helpful in regards to writing the scenes. Vagueness is a powerful tool that you can use of in writing way more than in some other media (like movies, where timing is huge). Honestly tho, you probably don't need to worry about this at the moment. Just think about it if you want.

School
Wish my school gave me money when I done well on assignments... obviously this is a good game mechanic, since it lets you give readers credits, but thinking of it from a world perspective, I wonder why you had to pay for the form if they'll give you many times that amount latter (I am assuming at the moment that they will, at least). Also, the government must be loaded to be able to pay people for education regarding superpowers, tho to be fair it is probably covered by the military budget (cough*socialcommentaryignoreme*cough). However, keeping this system in might actually be a good idea, as again, it makes sense game wise, need a way to earn credits after all (and it does help to not have some other crazy way to earn creds instead).

PLOT
Oh also, I'm gonna say some guesses regarding where this is going, so you can see if I made correct assumptions or not as a reader. So... spoilers ahead... maybe.

The Opposition is actually the good guys, Lydia is the daughter of someone important (and is part of the Opposition), my family will not be mentioned ever again except maybe in some hostage situation, Merlin is secretly either really good or really evil. Hmm, what else can I come up with... ugh, there will be two main paths, one where I work for the Academy, the other where I work for the Opposition, unless you are partially crazy and offer a THIRD main path where I make my own faction or something. Anyway, those are my main thoughts.

Oh quick addition, I thought of Lydia as crazy when she said it was all lies, so I went back to the shop (go back button) to buy the information to see if I would think differently if I had heard that, I didn't. Obviously there is a limit to how much tracking you can do regarding stuff, since you want to avoid swamping yourself, but I am mentioning this since it stood out a bit to me.

Items
Adding this before posting, just wanted to say that items appear pretty useless at the moment, but if I am honest I barely tried to use them. I did try giving the book to Lydia when she mentioned using up all her money that she was saving for a book, but I didn't think it'd work due to the last sentence on that page, but I still tried. Hmm... now I think Lydia isn't important as she can't afford a book (tho plenty of ways to explain this away, so won't edit past part).

Conclusion
Definitely on the right path, your reply in this thread and seeing what you have added has increased my hope that this will actually be good. My expectations are now rising, hope they don't end up shattering from a fall. As such, keep writing! Finally, as I will never stop mentioning, remember to proofread at the end (and throughout). With all that, good luck and keep writing!

TL;DR
It has gotten better, I am more confident this will turn out well now as well. So keep writing and proofread at the end to ensure it all connects well.

P.S. Adding more to the descriptions/pacing part, I tend to go overboard in the wrong places when writing descriptions myself, so my worries might be just me comparing your writing to mine, and thinking that you might end up going down the wrong path since it isn't what I do. Can you see the issue with this? Anyway, main thing, remember to proofread at the end to see how it all ends up fitting together. That way you can fix any pacing issues that may arise, by altering the way you give descriptions as necessary.

P.P.S. Hmm... if bitcoin/cryptocurrency becomes huge it will be very weird for people in the future to read this story, they'll wonder what sort of idiot still has a wallet with 150 bucks in it. I am sorta joking here btw, obviously times change and people in the future should be smart enough to notice the publish date, but I just felt like mentioning this after writing the economy part under shop.

P.P.P.S. Hope you get something useful out of this, feels like I might have rambled a bit, but I still stand by my points until they are shot down. Anyway, that is all! Good luck writing.

It really is useful.

I just noticed a major inconsistency. The credits are supposed to be transferred from PIP to PIP, so the wallet on the ground doesn't seem accurate. Maybe some form of debit card should be in the wallet??

Hmm... Since the information in the shop is very vague, and Lydia just claims everything is a lie- I don't think the MC is shrewd enough to figure out what you did. I'll try to integrate the schedule and the information on the PIP- someway or other...

The shop woman has a character too. She's really greedy and money-hungry. She was paid an amount to spread a certain information among the students, but without the knowledge of her client (so far anyway) she is also charging money for it. She comes into the story later again.

The term Opposition is given to the biggest opposition of the current ruling political party, and it is in that significance I'm mentioning it.

I'm really thinking the PIP should be an item which allows you to access various things you have acquired.

When I mention that Lydia was saving up for a book- I mean a storybook. I think I'll mention the name of the storybook and give the MC the option to buy it from the shop for her PIP and give it to Lydia. Buying books in the shop seems good. Maybe even an extra reading textbook??? Of course, like Ebooks so it goes into the PIP, and you can transfer it to someone else (which is something I think should be included in the kindle).

I pretty much forgot what font I used, I'll check and get back to you. It just goes with the Superhero Academy Logo that I included in the article.

The economy is a little retarded, due to the fact that this is the future and making some things have gotten easier than making others.

Also, thanks for the huge amount of analysis you've done on my story. If I ever manage to finish it, I'll be sure to mention you and the help you've given me.

 

 

Don't need to mention me, concise descriptions are pretty important, I'm just glad it's helpful.

Will also mention that it is pretty heartening to see your responses to the things I mention, as it alleviates a lot of my fears that crop up when people ask for feedback.

The wallet could be an old PIP variant that still has some credits, and then the reader transfers it to theirs. Just offering a suggestion, you would have a much better idea of what makes sense for the setting, after all.

Regarding the shop keep your explanation is very helpful, and does explain why she is charging people like that. Seeing as she'll come up again, leaving that scene as is can be pretty good, since it helps get readers wondering about her. Did for me at least.

If you stay consistent regarding calling the group the Opposition, it should be fine. Heck, the name stands out pretty well, so it might be one of the better ones. Also (I assume) it's obviously a significant thing to be considered the Opposition by people, since it carries some negative connotation (if you ask me), which can definitely do some useful things for establishing the world without wasting words.

Do be wary turning the PIP into a mini encyclopedia, or whatever, since that can become a bit painful to implement. It could be a nice addition, but I just feel it might have some challenges with the implementation. If you don't go overboard with it tho, it should be relatively easy to add in. Just be careful to not force players to go through the PIP constantly to access their inventory or something, think about what the experience of actually using the finished version should be, since you don't want it detracting from the storygame experience. Heck, that goes for most things you do, since you want to have a good finished storygame experience. I'd say items themselves can easily become a hassle (which you usually don't want), and so it is important to think about how they work in the story, to avoid a bad outcome.

Finally, I will mention that a retarded economy can actually make sense. xd
Put in other words, economies don't tend to be perfect, but since the story isn't focused on it, I just want to make sure you don't completely neglect it or forget to think a bit about it. You'd be surprised what a little thought can do in regards to helping flesh some side ideas out, which can then help the main ideas shine more.

Anyway, enough from me, this ended up a lot longer than I intended, but that's not really a bad thing. As such, good luck writing (and thinking about) the story!

TL;DR
Strong responses from you, feels good to see them. Good luck with the writing, definitely seem to be on the right path, just trying to help you avoid some of the small pit falls that tend to be harder to spot.

Yes, maybe an older version of the PIP would work well instead of the wallet.

When accessing items in the PIP, I'm thinking just some news, your schedule, the information you got at the shop, your books and of course your credits...

The more real world items would be in the inventory like the bottle and the notebook. I'm actually thinking about the notebook's significance in this futuristic setting. Maybe the school needs notebooks for some reason? I can't really think of a good explanation, as people store most of their info in this PIP anyway.

I'm thinking of the PIP like some kind of a kindle, in fact.

PS. Not mention you? With the amount of effort you've put into the feedback, I'd feel bad if I didn't!

Hmm, if I were you I'd just go with something like the school wants you writing your work down in a book because: it verifies it is your work (not copy pasted), but even if you are copying the long way you are still committing it to memory better than if you had just gone ctrl+c then ctrl+v.
Also teachers can see your book fill up as you go. Granted, sharing documents and versions is very much possible, so this can't really be a standalone reason, but you add it together with other ones.
My personal favourite since it adds some humour, the academy wants you writing a lot so your handwriting gets good so when you give autographs they aren't shit.

Obviously you can just have: books are used because author wants books to be used.
Possible to avoid acknowledging/mentioning this throughout the story, so that readers don't think about it. Obviously the issue is that if they do think about it, it might mess with their immersion a bit, but I really doubt it'd have a huge effect on the story experience.

Main thing is coming up with a reason for why books and writing are chosen over computers and typing. There can be reasons, but oh boy is typing convenient for a number of reasons (being easier to read and thus mark, also easier to check for plagiarism, duplicates are quicker to make [photocopying is slower than ctrl+c and ctrl+v]).
Anyway, it is the future, you can always go with:
We got so many books we ought to use them for something. More environmentally friendly (tho you are still chopping down trees... or do you make paper in some new way? Idk what is more environmentally friendly irl if I'm being honest).

Ugh, hopefully something gives you an idea. Just don't worry about it too much, not really pivotal to the plot, so feel free to get creative (or be very dull), as it can help develop the tone. Tho it would also be developing the world some more, so I guess it isn't as unimportant as I thought (still not pivotal tho, I assume).

TL;DR
Dw about it too much. Anything can work, or it can just be a thing done as it is "because".

P.S. Heh, wouldn't want you feeling bad. xD

Well, just saying I love the handwriting idea. Also, maybe the teachers don't want the students to lose the knowledge of knowing how to write.

I'll mention it vaguely in the passing...

It seems Zake has pretty much got this covered from here on, I'd just like to echo his statements about how pleased I am with your response to this. I've always said the only things you need to write a decent story are a good work ethic and the ability to take criticism. You've absolutely shown both, so congratulations, and best of luck writing.

Wow, thank you! Yes, I'll definitely keep writing the story!

I've updated it again, adding the PIPs and integrating some information into it. Also, the books are bought in hard copy from the shop. The shop description has been changed, and I've added books to buy. You can also read the books when you click 'USE'.

PIP
Neat, just a bit redundant for the first PIP page to tell you how many credits you have, since it is always displayed on the bottom of the page. However, I don't think you should change this, since it is convenient to not have to open the PIP every time you want to see your credits total. Also, the way it is now makes it clear that the PIP is what is holding your credits (in a sense).

Also why the font change for 'credits' after the first PIP version? Looking at it, Version 1:
"You unlock your PIP and look at the options.

You have 150 credits currently stored in your PIP."

Version 2:
"You unlock your PIP and look at your options.

You have 150 CREDITS."

Spot the difference. I advise keeping it consistent across the versions, unless you got some reason for not doing so. Version 3 also has different wording as well. (NOTE - Font not changed in this extract, since I'm lazy xd)

Interesting that you chose to use another item when your PIP gets updated. Might be easier to just use link restrictions and 1 variable to track what your PIP knows so far. i.e. PIPSTATE = 1, has hero article. PIPSTATE = 2, link that requires PIPSTATE > 1 unlocks, giving you your schedule.
Worth considering, since I think it might be easier in the long run. You can make a test storygame to mess around with the restrictions and stuff, to make sure you don't accidentally mess up anything.

Actually, thinking about it, I feel obligated to mention that using a unique variable for each link means they can be unlocked in any order, i.e. PAID4INFO = 0, cannot access page, PAID4INFO = 1, can access page. This means that if player DOESN'T pay for info, but gets a future update later, it will be easy to implement. As it is, you will need different combinations of items for each possible update, which will become a huge pain depending on how many optional updates there are. One variable works if it always updates in the same order, but it doesn't look like it will.

Storybooks
Hmm, I don't think you messed up or anything, just wanted to point out that the book and author name are interesting choices (talking about The One's book here). The suggested tone seems to be on the darker side.

I also worry about how you'll handle updating the "Being a superhero" item, since if you do the whole replacing the item thing it would be difficult (I imagine). I guess there is a way to use a variable that, when you use the item, takes you to a page depending on what it's value is. The issue with that is that it won't allow reading older chapters, unless you add those links to the pages as they unlock. Actually that should work, so similar to what I suggested regarding the PIP, with variable restrictions locking off content by making links inaccessible.

Also, when I try using "Shadows in the Dark" item after clicking "Talk to Lydia", it doesn't give it to her. I'm assuming it is going to be given latter, but just want to mention this in case it isn't and the item script just isn't working.

Errors
I can buy infinite foodbars, the link for buying them doesn't detract from my credits total. Infinite HP! Just fix the link, so that it actually detracts from credits (don't forget to ensure it can't be clicked if I don't have enough credits to buy it, unless you are fine w/ debt [negative credits]).

After buying information and both books, I clicked the "Look for something else to do" link, and got taken to "Get your schedule" page. This forces me to take the OLD PIP, which means I now have TWO PIPS, one being "Personal Information Pad" and the other "Your PIP".

Variables/Scripting
Just wondering, did you set these to advanced? I get the feeling you might have done advanced editor but not changed any of the settings, which means scripting is disabled and you lack some functionality (as far as I am aware).

TL;DR
Looking good, I suggest consistency with displayed text for all PIP versions, remember to proofread as you go to fix errors with links and stuff, and good luck with all them items. Also, the text changes I noticed all looked like improvements, so good job with that.

Thanks for the feedback! I'll try out using the variables and see if it works... since it seems MUCH simpler.

Yes, but I really don't get how to use scripting- the article doesn't really help all that much so I prefered to keep it disabled. If I could get a clue on how to use it I would though.

It IS going to be given later. I'm thinking maybe I put a page where it says not to give it.

Thank you for pointing out the error with the foodbars. I'll have a look at that, thanks.

I'm thinking to add more chapters that are accessible once you unlock more items in the game. I'm thinking about putting more superpowers as items so you can USE them when needed, and those will unlock the new chapters?

I'll fix everything and get back to you. Thanks again!

I've fixed the errors and written about the Seminar.

I've kinda got a set schedule going where I jot down what I want to finish tomorrow so I have a goal of some sort.

I've got the whole plot laid out in my head now. About 7 endings altogether, and they blend together quite nicely.

There are choices you make regarding friends in the passing, and I'm using variables- so if you are having a good enough friendship with somebody you can get items for certain endings.

Is it okay if I just tell you the whole plot now???

Up to you, really. Also good to hear that this is still progressing along.

I was going to write a bunch of stuff regarding 'telling' plots, but I can't really put it all into words that well, so I'll just say that the finished product can be a lot better than the plot summary, or heck even vice versa. As such I'm not sure how beneficial it would be to give it to us, however I'm sure there are still some things you might get out of it.

Thus, as I said, up to you.