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Goruzan knew he was beaten. He would have had to have been a fool not to. From the heights of his island fortress, as far as the eye could see, the billowing black sails of the warships drew ever closer. He had hoped, prayed, even, for a storm to be his salvation, but alas, the waters were as still as a rock. Still as the mountain he stood on, and steady as the slowly approaching drum beat that would spell out his doom.

It was a cold winter, that winter, and his silent chambers gave him none of the comfort that a lesser man would have craved to soften the blow. Instead, he paced, alone, waiting for the news that the defences had been breached. Within hours, the ships would have made it to land, a hundred warriors swarming into his deserted shore. It was a tide rising without hope- although his men were strong and fleet of foot, there simply were never going to be enough to withstand the iron progress of the mainlanders. Not that they would not try. Goruzan had commanded his men to fight until the life-blood left them, as they had sworn to do when they first entered his service, and under that white moonlight, he was sure that they would fulfil their duty well. In their armour of cloth and leather, with chainwhips in their hand, they would ensure that theirs was not the only blood spilled that night. The mainlanders’ victory would still be made to hurt.

The beacons were lit, and Goruzan was roused from his window by a knock at the door. It was Njordar, his left-hand man, and his face was as grim as a frozen sea. ‘Do you see what will become of us, if we stay here?’ he asked, his eyes tearless but determined in their sorrow.

‘I do, yes.’ Stone-heavy was his voice. ‘And I cannot be content to die here, behind these walls’. The truth of it washed over him. Death was his only option. However, his manner of death was not yet set into stone.

‘You cannot fight them, leader. If you do, you will fall, and you know what will happen then. The mainlanders will take out your teeth and wear them in their masks, as they do. Do you want to live on as their trophy? To preserve your honour, you must try to flee’.

Flee? There was no way to flee. Goruzan had seen the ships, he had seen the decks teeming with helmed warriors. He was surrounded, and to leave the island would be to throw himself onto the swords of the mainlanders. Njordar’s hope was an empty one, born of a panicked mind rather than the cool waters of logic. One in his situation could not win, but still, he searched for a way to dampen the impending defeat. His next move would be one of pain, but what did it matter? It would all be over soon.

‘I will take up my chainwhip and fight, Njordar, as I know I must. They will not take my courage, or my honour, or my teeth.’

‘How not, leader?’

‘You will take out my teeth. Each one. Give them nothing to take as their trophy of me. I will fall, as will you, as will all of our men, but let their victory be as hollow as my mouth will be.’ Njordar’s face was etched with the lines of shock, which were then eroded away by the eventual resignation.

‘You cannot be serious, my good friend.’

‘We are two dead men. May this be your final act of service to me.’

And it was done. Pain racked Goruzan, but he did not flinch. As each tooth was wrenched from his maw, he let out not a whimper, for he knew that it was a sacrifice in the name of his honour. Each tooth was one less thing that the mainlanders could crow about. And in those final hours, that had to be worth something.

It was pretty well written imo, but I think you used a little too much figurative language, some of it felt redundant, for example when you said 'his face was grim as a frozen sea.', it would have sounded a little better if you just said he was grim-faced. And you added some words that didn't necessarily be there, for example, I think it would have sounded cooler if you put 'still as rock' instead of 'still as a rock', or instead of "Njordar’s face was etched with the lines of shock" just "Njordar’s face was etched with lines of shock". I don't know about the grammar of my corrections though, I was never good at that part.

Thanks! I'll definitely take those on board!

Thanks! I'll definitely take that on board!

I enjoyed reading this. Tragic heroes always evoke a good amount of emotion, no matter what the circumstances. Though if I had to critique something, it would be the circumstances.

Why are the mainlanders attacking? What events lead to this hopeless scenario? If I was the leader of a doomed nation, I would certainly spend at least a little amount of time thinking about the things I would have done differently. Or maybe I would reminisce on my memories of the land that I'm attempting to defend and give up my life for. It's just little bits that could be added to make the story even more compelling than it already is. It would also grant more meaning to the act of self-sacrifice that the story ends with.

In summary, this is a good short story but I really, really think it would benefit from being longer.

The circumstances are that Goruzan is the leader of a chaos cult, and his people have gathered on their island to carry out their practices out of the view of the mainland government, which deems it subversive and dangerous. However, the mainlanders have had enough of a tiny pseudo-nation worshipping Chaos and occupying what they still think of as their island.

Thanks for the feedback!

Perfect. You could use that to add more character to Goruzan. If he is the devout, religious type, you could mention the disdain he has for the mainlander's beliefs and why he believes that the way of Chaos is better. Alternatively, if he's a more administrative leader type, he could reflect on how much happier the people following him were as opposed to those in the mainland. It's just ways to use the lore to flesh out the characters and their motivations more while also providing that lore to the reader.

Sure, will do! How long are short stories that are usually posted here?

Hmm, I don't know about the usual length since I'm relatively new here myself. There's a pinned forum post in the Creative Corner with a collection of EndMaster's short stories, so you could use that as a reference, I guess?

Personally though, I think your writing is good enough that I wouldn't mind reading an extra paragraph.

OK, that's good to hear! I'll check those out, and maybe make my next work just a bit longer