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It not a cys but tell me what yall think about it and what i should fix. if yall like it i might share chapter 3

                                               THE SHADOW QUEEN HEIR 

                     

                                                               Chapter 1 

                                                         The strange men 

Would you believe me if I told you I was someone important... well I wouldn't and in fact, I didn't until that faithful Monday morning when two buff men that look like they went to war twice and survived came to my adoptive parents house and they said that I'm a princess “blah blah blah” and that on my 18th birthday they would come to pick me up. “That's such a short time” says my adoptive mom cleressa, her birthday is two days from now, “we’re only here to give you the message ma'am” says one of the buff men, as he says that he gives a salute that I never seen before.                             

 

                                                  Chapter 2 

                                           A little background 

It been two-days since that day and today those men are back to pick me up and they were not alone. They were with a group of 3 girls and 3 boys, and they all looked my age, I guess they wanted me to have someone my age to talk to, while were going were ever we’re going but they were wearing uniforms the boys were wearing black shorts with a gold outline and a black shirt while the girls were wearing a black dress with gold outline on the bottom. I felt weird being the only one with a white shirt, jeans and a red and black jacket around my waist and my black hair was in a messy bun my mom made. “Hello" I say shyly, they all look at me and I turn red with embarrassment and promised to stay quiet the rest of the way even though I knew I could not shut my mouth if my life depended on it. “...” one of the strong looking guys from last time said something in another language I never heard before but felt familiar with it. “Get in the car” one of the 3 boys with a name tag that says Liam “we will explain on the way”, I follow them into the limo that he called a car so naturally “anyways, can you explain where I'm going and what going on” I ask “calm down princess” say another guy who has the name of Nicoles. As he says that I completely ignore him and said “did y'all hear something” everyone started laughing and he glare at them, and they start to laugh louder as the car started to move, I ask where the two buff men were, they all look at me and says that they went ahead and that it’s there job to bring me safely to the “other world” “what’s the other world” I ask, Roxy one of the girls and the only girl that have talk so far says “the other world is where thing that are  not human lives” “but I'm human” I say back “that not true your mom...your real mom is the queen of this other world we call her the shadow queen” “so what is she” I ask they all look at each other and says “everything” and start to talk to each other like I was not there but I really did not care because I was starting to feel sleepy. 

Hey this is looking great so far! Future Mercer Gang in the making! 

As for some advice... make sure to add some punctuation after dialogue, but still in the parentheses. Like so - 

"Hello," I say shyly. 

Or -

"Hello." I say shyly.

Check out https://chooseyourstory.com/help/articles/article.aspx?ArticleId=4309 by Gower for more help. It'll go more indepth on Dialogue Punctuation. :) 

 

thanks

"Hello." I say shyly.

No, don't do that.  Just...read the article.

Chapters are often longer. I mean, I get where you made the scene change, which can be a chapter separator, but that feels forced. Maybe you could add a lot to the first chapter with more setting of the scene and getting the reader to know the character before you move on to the next space in time. Try and make the reader like your main character.

HERE IS CHAPTER 3 and 4 it kinda better i geuss

                Chapter 3  

                        The first power 

 

I was swimming with dolphin, mermaid and mermen and singing with siren dancing with the waves and then I heard someone saying my name “Malena, Malena, Malena wake up” and then I woke up to see everyone looking at me and water floating in the air. I got scared, and all the water fell back to where it was before they started to float. I start to panic and then Roxy tells me to calm down and says this was normal... I look at them and Liam the boy who told me he would explain start to tell me about how in the other world they are what we human call vampire, Fea, and other stuff exist in the other world and how I have power that I can't control and how when I turn 18 that my power start to manifest like the water or any liquid floating and says that things like this will keep happening until all my power manifest and how I'm the heir and about how everyone in the other world is immortal including me and says that I'm not ready to hear the rest and they will explain it later but for now they need me to calm down. I start to calm down and take in what they just told me. “What are you guys” they look at me and say, “we are your most faithful guardians we will protect you with are life”. I look at them shocked and awkwardly say “okay... um how long till we get to umm...” “the other world” Roxy finished for me “ten minutes” says Nicoles, “umm... I think I'll just sleep the rest of the ride” I say “bad idea last time you fell asleep all the liquid started to levitate”. Says Liam 

                                

                              Chapter 4 

                        Home sweet Home  

 

“Are we there yet” I ask for the hundredth time “yes, we are" says another girl with the name tag of myna “okay” “follow us princess” says Nicolos “...” I was confused, “where’s the other world” I ask cofused “where still in your world right now, to get to our world we need to combine are powers” says Liam “but I can't control my powers yet” I said back “we're not talking about you we mean us”  says another guy with the name tag of Xander “don't be rude Xander” says a girl who I think is his sister with the name tag of zanny, I mouth thank you to her 

And then next thing I know is that they’re around me in a circle and saying something in a different language and in just a blink of the eye we were somewhere else, somewhere I'm 100% sure was not my world “where are we” I ask “we finally made it to the other world” says zanny “now all we have to do is bring you to the castle” “okay” I reply back 

  

                     3 Hours later  

“We made it princess” says Nicoles with a yawn “finally, y'all did not let me sleep once” I said with a yawn “I wonder why,” said myna 

I roll my eyes at her as we start to enter the castle a group of maids and butlers all says welcome at the same time “we have maids here” I say” there called housekeeper here” says Xander “oh okay” I reply “anyways where is my room” “right this way madam” says one of the butler. As I follow him down the hall, I see this nice looking maid getting push around I look at the butler and he tells me that the maid on the floor getting push around is new and the one pushing her around is one of the head maid, I look at him excepting for him to do something but when he does nothing for a while I walk up to the head maid, head straight silently thanking cleressa for making me take etiquette class, "What is going on here” I ask in a voice that I hope sounded like I had authorities, both of the maids look up at me “who are you” ask the head maid in a bratty voice “last time I checked I'm the one asking question here” I say back rudely, the head maid look at me with an evil smile and say “I'm the queen personal maid you can't hurt me" she says, I laugh out loud and say “your pathetic, you have ten seconds to get out my sight before I cut your tongue off” as soon as I threatened her she leave quietly I look at the girl she was bullying and ask her if she was ok, she nods and I sigh in relive and wonder how I kept that tough girl act for that long I look at her and ask for her name she says “ule” I tell her to follow me, as I walk to the butler he look pleased and I look at him and say “can you bring me to my chamber and please tell the queen of my arrival and ask her if I can meet with her soon.” He bows down and say “yes ma'am” after a few minute of walking I reach my chamber and the butler who's name I learn was niex went to do the other task I told him to do, I look at the maid and tell her she will be my personal maid from now own and for her to get a bath ready for me and to go wash herself because she was dirty. After ule finish doing her task, she helps me get dressed in a beautiful black gown, I tell her to do light makeup on me since I never was really a makeup person. After a while of talking to ule in my room, I hear a knock I say come in and niex walk in and says that the queen is ready for me,