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My Second CYOA Preview

12 years ago

I don't yet have a title for this story, but it's somewhat of a prequel/test for the massive zombie CYOA I wrote about a few months ago. It's a lot smaller than the one the other one I plan to write. Unlike most zombie stories this one's main focus isn't on the zombies, but the characters and their struggle to survive/personalities. It has a small amount of decisions (about 4 each playthrough, not counting deaths.) However, each one impacts the story greatly. Here's a preview.

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"Any of 'em close Raines?" said Wilhelm, an older man in his mid-fifties, his hair already grayed entirely. He stroked his beard, which was thick.
 
"No, at least not close enough to notice us," said Raines who was bent over staring out a window's blinds. His dark blue eyes searched the outside, three moved around the front yarn, clueless to Raine's wandering eyes inside the house.
 
"It's safe then? The kids don't need to hide?"
 
"I can't be sure... Shit! One's getting closer!" Raines then dived below the window, his neck length, messy, medium brown hair bouncing as he fell.
 
"Oh god, I've got my gun ready!" Wilhelm said, his hunting rifle gripped firmly in his hands.
 
"Don't fire, don't fire unless you have to." Raines then rose, peeking through the window quickly. One was on the porch, moving slowly across the floorboards they creaking with every step the zombie took.
 
"How long?"
 
"I'd say he's gonna be here for a bit." Raines made sure to lower his voice, with one of the dead just a few feet away outside the window, he didn't want to risk it hearing him.
 
"Damn... we can't keep living like this Raines, the world has to get better, it just has to." Wilhelm crouched, his rifle still held tightly in his hands.
 
"Just stay calm... don't make any sudden moves."
 
Wilhelm nodded to Raines words, his eyes locked on the window.
 
They both sat quiet for what felt like hours, but really it was only a few minutes. The zombie crept back and forth across the porch, still entirely unaware of Raines and Wilhelm.
 
"Check, is it still there?" Wilhelm asked, "it's gotta be gone by now."
 
Raines raised his head, looking out the window. There it stood, right above him, glaring into the window, it's eyes met his.
 
Fuck, fuck, fuck! Not now! Look away, look away, turn your fucking head and look away!
 
"I gotta do it, I gotta take the shot Raines."
 
Raines was silent, instead making a signal behind his back to halt. He couldn't risk the noise, he couldn't risk all of them coming for them.
 
"Raines it's, it's-"
 

BANG! BANG! BANG! 

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?Just curious what everyone thinks.

My Second CYOA Preview

12 years ago

Me like! I have some tips-

 

I didn't see any spelling errors, however, don't forget to spellcheck.

Use plenty of descriptive words; I love it when I have a clear picture of characters. \

Make sure not to switch tenses- once again, I didn't see this, but caution is good to exercise.

 

Otherwise, sounds really fun!

My Second CYOA Preview

12 years ago

Thanks for the advice! One of my biggest errors in the past of writing was dialog. I struggled quite a bit with making the characters seem believable. I hope to beat that with this story. 

My Second CYOA Preview

12 years ago

Yeah, that's oft a challenge for writers. Just practice :)

Not to advertise or anything, but I posted another entry of my story. I liked it myself. The hope and all that good stuff will ?never ?come when Chris is introduced.

 

?More on your story, I like Raines and Wilhelm's interactions. Uneasy friends, it feels to me.

My Second CYOA Preview

12 years ago

Yeah, you're pretty spot on about Wilhelm and Raines being uneasy friends. 

I'll check out your story preview.

My Second CYOA Preview

12 years ago

*Victory-arm pump*

 

I just love being right!