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Any suggestions to improve my story?

11 years ago

So the story that I'm mainly focusing on is "Aeternus - Rise of a Hero (or Villain)" and it's basically a war strategy game where the main character (male or female) will be commanding a military with his/her king in hopes to unify the continent Aeternus into a single kingdom. How you choose to build your character and command your forces will affect how other characters react to you (eg. a player who uses brutality may be referred to as a demon or a player using intellect will be called a genius).

Also, the way you treat your soldiers will also affect how they fight. Do they fear or respect you? How high is their moral? Are they disciplined and loyal?

Finally I want to include a romance sub-plot which may be a bit of a challenge. I don't have a the story available for testing yet but one will be coming soon. What do you think?

Any suggestions to improve my story?

11 years ago

It does sound interesting.

How complex will the morality and morale systems be, exactly? Don't feel too pressured to just throw in a romance sub-plot, if it's relatively unneccesary, becuase it will end up doing more harm than good. If it's well executed, though, and it adds some variety to the story, than sure add it. 

Also, may I suggest changing the title to "Aeternus - Rise of a Legend, since the whole morality distinction in the title seems rather silly (especially since the "or villian" is in parenthesis); and assuming the PC doesn't die (and thus succeeds), regardless of morality, she/he is likely to be bound into legendary status.

Any suggestions to improve my story?

11 years ago

Thanks for the title change suggestion, it looks and feels *right*.

The moral system will be for the soldiers. If you choose to be someone who doesn't care for their lives but keeps them in line, they will come to fear you. How you choose to treat areas you conquer will also affect how others see you.

Say for example if you just took control of a hostile area and there were people who began to speak against you. Would you choose to calm these people or simply kill them.

Or if you were to attack an area that has religious significance (eg. God of Nature, God of Sun, Holy Shrines). Would you destroy them to demoralize the enemy or leave these sites untouched.

What you do may make other major characters fear or respect you.

Also there will be combat that your character will be in personally, not just commanding.

The variables that will be shown are: AGI, for agility; SPD, for speed; STR, for strength; CUN, for cunning; CHA, for charisma; and INT, for intelligence.

Any suggestions to improve my story?

11 years ago

Can we order soldiers to rape and pillage?

Any suggestions to improve my story?

11 years ago

Sorry for the late reply, I was eating dinner.

You can "encourage" your men to pillage and loot areas you've just taken but you can't order them to rape. However, since I want to put more realism into the story there will be situations where you will come across a rape scene and you can choose whether or not you will stop it. Your choice will of course affect how some see you, usually negatively.

 

Any suggestions to improve my story?

11 years ago

I SHALL BECOME GHENGAS KHAN.

 

Any suggestions to improve my story?

11 years ago

Then that is how history will remember you. :)

Any suggestions to improve my story?

11 years ago

And I shall be Oliver Cromwell, devastatingly effective and focused on discipline.

 

My orders would be along the lines of:

Soldier - "Ain't that one got a fine piece of ass, I might just take advantage of that!"
Me - "Have that man hung, drawn and quartered post haste!"

Any suggestions to improve my story?

11 years ago

One of my bigger concerns are length. The story may be pretty long, but I don't want the reader to feel as though it is dragged out or otherwise get bored.

Any suggestions to improve my story?

11 years ago

When I read Eternal, which is super long (-insert penis joke here-) I felt as if it was drawing me in.

If someone gets me interested, I will read all of it.

Like Stephen kings Dark tower. The final book was like, 1k pages and somewhat boring at times. BUT I MAN MODED IT THROUGH.

Any suggestions to improve my story?

11 years ago

I'd like some ideas on to how I should start a story like this. I already have it planned out for several scenarios but I can't decide. Looking back into history, I see that different legends have different beginnings such as: Alexander the Great, Khan, Julius Caesar, Oda Nobunaga, etc.

What do you think would be a good way to start the story of someone who is destined to unite a continent into one nation?

Some help to improve your story.

11 years ago

Perhaps you could start in their teens, where they are young, inexperienced and perceptive.

 

Make them stand out from the others with curiosity, normal people just let things go in one ear and out the other, while powerful characters of later on are utterly captivated by battle tactics, combat technique, and even areas like logistics.

Maybe they could revolutionise by providing new idea to add on top of the old ones, the perfect combination of tradtion and initiative!

Some help to improve your story.

11 years ago

Isn't that the same with every other teen genius and larger world leaders?

Yet more help to improve your story.

11 years ago

The difference is in the specifics.

Any suggestions to improve my story?

11 years ago

Would adding magic or mythical creatures by a "No" for this story? I already have a god pantheon that is mentioned throughout the story, but I thought the creatures might add a mythology feel to it.

Any suggestions to improve my story?

11 years ago

Wouldn't hurt the story for me personally, but I thought you were basing your story in a more historical setting.

If you do go the magic route, it might make writing your story easier since you can probably get away with a few more unrealistic things happening, but I'd still keep it a "low magic" setting just so stuff like wizards and such aren't completely over shadowing your military commanders.

Any suggestions to improve my story?

11 years ago

No I wasn't planning on including wizards since they are almost always over-powered. But in terms of the pantheon in the story since it would historically make sense. I don't plan on having gods jump into battle however, just having them mentioned is enough.

Any suggestions to improve my story?

11 years ago

Sounds like you should just keep it all reality based then since that's what you seem to be going for. Adding something like a mythological creature or even minor magic will detract from the realism. Up to you though.

You could still have the "idea" of magic where you've got holy men sacrificing to gods in the hope that it's going to some how affect the battle. Up to your character if he wants to allow such a thing or not.

Such an action might have a positive morale effect for the more superstitious troops and cause them to fight better OR it might even make things worse since they will believe that they are "invincible" and will fight recklessly. 

Any suggestions to improve my story?

11 years ago

So following the trend of posting a page. Here is one from the story. Tell me how is looks:

 

 

 

Later that day Aegisthus, along with one officers enter your tent to discuss the plan. Amatia bows when Aegisthus enters.



"I see you decided to keep her around. Good, you'll see that she is a fine warrior," Aegisthus says. "With me is Captain Cadel, he's a our most skilled scout who has been surveying the territory of Telia. Now, down to business." Aegisthus begins to make marks on the map. "Before we enter Telia, we will have to capture Fort Arlcliff. It lays upon a hill, a perfect defensive location, and it holds over 8,000 soldiers. This is priority because the entrance from Nidus to Telia is a narrow valley that we will have to cross through."


"How narrow are we talking?" you ask.


Cadel makes a mark along the entrance of Telia. "The valley is about three kilometers long and a quarter of a kilometer wide. The valley walls are tall and strong, making any flanking maneuver impossible for us. With Fort Arlcliff sitting just nine miles away, this area is the perfect defense."


Aegisthus nods. "We have a total of 21,000 battle ready soldiers, but these numbers won't matter when the environment encloses us so."

 

"What do our forces consist of ?" you ask.


"14,000 foot-soldiers,4000 calvary, and 4,000 archers," Cadel replies.

 

"Any siege equipment?"


"Only 20 catapults, 12 battering rams, and 50 ballista sir. All of which will be destroyed if we attempt to bring them through the valley with us."


"Well, what do you think General?" Aegisthus asks

 

---"Leave our calvary and siege equipment behind. Arm all soldiers with large shields in the event of an ambush. Once we make it through the valley, we will set up camp and bring in the rest of or soldiers and equipment."

---"Valley or not I want all of my soldiers to move there at once. No god, earth, or man stand in my way to taking Telia."

---"Send a small portion of our soldiers through the valley first as they will not be noticed. They shall stand guard at the end of the valley while our main force comes through. If anything, they will buy us time."

Any suggestions to improve my story?

11 years ago

That's barely anything to siege with...D:

Well, after sifting through your story a little, I didn't really find anything of concern, yet, as far as scripting goes.

Any suggestions to improve my story?

11 years ago

The intent was to put you at a disadvantage in the beginning. I didn't think it would be all that fun if you could just mow over everyone and everything.

What do you mean sifting through?

Any suggestions to improve my story?

11 years ago

I just ran around going through all the choices, but I didn't see any scripting problems or redirect problems.

So that's good.

Any suggestions to improve my story?

11 years ago

Eh.

Constantanople was taken down with like, 20 cannons?

Something like that.

Any suggestions to improve my story?

11 years ago

I'm sorry, could you elaborate?

Any suggestions to improve my story?

11 years ago

The city of Constantanople, or whatever name it had before/after it was raided (I forget which) was taken down by like, 20 or so cannons.

Or 50.

I don't know.

Either way, they were commenting on how it didn't look like that equipment was seige worthy, but depending on how far back you go it really is.

Any suggestions to improve my story?

11 years ago

Do you know who led the raid?

Any suggestions to improve my story?

11 years ago

The muslims.

Maybe the turks?
Brb googling.

I think the ottomons attacked it, took it over, renamed it instanbul, and then GG

Any suggestions to improve my story?

11 years ago

One cannon designed by Orban was named "Basilica" and was 27 feet (8.2 m) long, and able to hurl a 600 lb (272 kg) stone ball over a mile (1.6 km).[54]

A mile

A MILE!
But...

 

Orban's cannon had several drawbacks however: it took three hours to reload; cannonballs were in very short supply;


 

Any suggestions to improve my story?

11 years ago

Well in this story, it is taking place before gun powder weapons came into use. Ballista is the closest you can get to a canon. However, catapults and trebuchets are weapons of mass destruction.

Any suggestions to improve my story?

11 years ago

New idea.

Make a ballista that throws cannon balls.

Any suggestions to improve my story?

11 years ago

Can't, the ballista's design is specifically for launching big pointy sticks, but you can set these sticks on fire it you like. What fun!

If the story does well I might make it a series that progresses through time.

Any suggestions to improve my story?

11 years ago

Well alter the design.

I want to take down walls faster than Obama. (That doesn't have to make sense)

Any suggestions to improve my story?

11 years ago

Not yet. You start the story at age 17 on a continent fueled by war and your character becomes older as the story progresses. If you are anything like Nobunaga Oda, you'll get your fancy untraditional cannons. For now you will take your sticks and like it.

And Obama does not take down walls, in fact he builds them. How else could he raise the debt ceiling so high?

Any suggestions to improve my story?

11 years ago

Have you seen how they demolish buildings? It's expensive! Same with walls!

Any suggestions to improve my story?

11 years ago

Big sticks aren't expensive. Just cut down a tree and sharpen it. Heck just launch a flaming corpse at your enemy. No money at all. Canons though, are extremely expensive. During the age of gunpowder weapons, only the wealthiest countries could afford these.

Many suggestions to improve your story!

11 years ago

Indeed, gunpowder weapons were dramatically inferior for a very long time.

In terms of raw performance, it is predicted that bows were superior weapons all the way until the late 1800s!