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I am not going to post every page! Don't worry about that...
Just want to get feedback on this page (longest yet) and I can work that into all the other pages.

So now below is the first page for a story game I have started, any feedback would be appreciated. 

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Darkness...

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Dark...

 

You tumble swiftly, barely keeping your footing.

Cold stone walls are on both sides as you rush down the alley.

Your heavy boots ring out as they collide with the cobblestone.
You cause countless puddles to splash, adding to the symphony.

You feel the heavy rain, the dark night on your shoulders, the lack of a moon.
You see a few lanterns desperately pushing against the darkness.

 

Cold...

 

Your cold, if only you could find some warmth... but no, they are behind you.

The Light Bearer, she calls herself.

You remember clearly.
You know you must keep going.

It was so long ago, but she swore...
An oath to bring you to death.

 

Tired...

 

That's why you are here, in the city of the broken, the city ironically named Hope.

You are also here because you were banished.
But you can leave, if you're careful.

You must find a place to wait out the night.
You have been here before, and you know the path will branch four ways up ahead.

 

The Port Gate, the Chasm, the Underlying Ridge and the Cathedral.

 

The Port Gate is blocked off by a division of the Empire know as the Condemned Wardens. However you should be able to get past them if you wish to.
There are countless cells of varying shapes and sizes built into the gate's wall. However these are no longer in use, furthermore many have had their bars rust allowing easy access.
Hiding here shouldn't be too difficult, but it is riskier, seeing as the Wardens won't be to nice if they happen to find you.
But you could leave Hope, that should set her back...

The Chasm is a canyon that stretches through the center of Hope.
Dangerous creatures lurk within it, however people have created living spaces along the Chasm's walls, as well as within them. The people who live here are the worse that can be found in Hope.
On the bright side as long as you avoid going down too deep you should be fine.
Hiding here would allow the creatures and darkness to be a layer of protection against the Light Bearer, but these same things also make the Chasm dangerous.
If everything fails you could always just jump in...

The Underlying Ridge is a part of Hope built upon collapsing land.
This has lead to everything being tilted, on an incline, and blocked off by what appears to be a cliff. But this cliff is nothing more then the land at its original height.
The incline makes it difficult to create stable housing leading to many small wooden shacks built inside and around large stone ruins.
The cramped housing tends to create many hidden and blocked of areas that would make great hiding spots.
Then again the populace here is rather large, and some might be desperate enough to trust the Light Bearer, meaning more enemies and a wall to your back...

Lastly the Cathedral is the only one of its kind in hope, its run by a group referred to as Priests, they pardon sins of past lives and provide much needed comfort to the people of Hope.
The Cathedral itself is also of enormous proportions, and unlike the rest of Hope highly structured.
The Priests could potentially absolve your past, this might cause the Light Bearer to stop her hunt.
But if it doesn't you will be stuck in a place with no where to hide...

Or you could fight her, here.
Of course that would be suicide.

 

Fear...

 

You approach the split, the change in direction.
You know that you will need a more long term plan soon.
But right now you just need to pick a direction.

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Choices:
- East (Port Gate)
- North West (Chasm)
- West (Underlying Ridge)
- North (Cathedral)
- Stay (Fight)

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So what do you think?
(Overall, and specifics.)

Any other choice that could be added in?
(Excluding stuff like - Look up and catch rain in your mouth, unless that's something people want...)

Are the names good?
(Kept them simple for ease of remembrance, something with Latin and Zulu like Ostium Itheku 'sounds' cooler, but is hard to keep track of.)

How is the detail?
(You obviously aren't informed on everything yet, you don't know your entire life, not sure if that's a bad thing. But is there too much detail anyway? The page is pretty long.)

How is the starting point?
(Its not like Eternal where you start as a baby, and basically live the whole life. Should it be?)

Any suggestions for coming up with names for people?
(Having generic stuff (Bob, John) is fine but it won't really fit when I am going for a darker setting, is there a site that everyone uses!?)

Any questions I forgot to ask?
(I might just post them below if/when I think of something, but would be nice if you could read my mind!)

Any other feedback?
(Anything at all!)

 

I will be replying whenever I can.
 

Last (not sure if guests can look at forums), if you are one of the +40 guests online could you:
- Make an account.
- Give feedback.

 

Thanks for reading (unless you scrolled to the bottom)!

I scrolled to the bottom (but did scan it) xD

But it looks fine. THe challenge won't be starting, it will be pressing through it to the end, while maintaining the same quality throughout.

Starting to notice that,

Might take the thread down, seems a bit pointless. (not too sure how to do that tho)

Remember... you asked... :)

For me, the starting section was quite jarring. I read “dark” and in my mind, I was in darkness. Okay. Then I started to tumble. I’m picturing down, because that’s how I often tumble. But in the next sentence I was running down an alley. I thought I was tumbling. I’m not sure what’s happening now. Then I feel heavy rain on my shoulders. I’m not going to feel that if I’m tumbling or running, so now I don’t have any idea what I’m doing.

The same happened in the second section to a lesser degree. I’m cold. Okay. Then I hear about the “Light-bearer,” which to me implies heat. Wait, is she here? Oh, no, it’s a dream.

In the “tired” section, I was confused over the “here.” Where is here? In one sentence, “here” is the city of the broken. A couple sentences later “here” is this alley/intersection. A few sentences later, “here” is inside the Port Gate where I can hide.

The city of Hope was, well, strange. It was introduced as a city. But in the descriptions of the various locations, it is a few shacks and mostly dangerous monsters. That doesn’t sound like any city I know (well, with a couple possible exceptions I suppose). And what’s on the other side of the Port Gate? It sounds like I’m in “the city” now, so would that be outside the city? Or is that a prison? It sounds like a prison.

When I approach the split, I’m confused again. I thought it was an intersection. But wait, I’m running (tumbling?) down an alleyway, and it’s going to split. Okay. But wait, there’s four new directions I can go? That’s some split!

So overall, it is some good writing, but seems to lack a little in the area of coordination with all the parts.

Other choices? The more choices you add, the more you have to write. Be prepared for that. And perhaps line up more of an initial story before you start deciding what choices there will be. That will help with the longer storyline overall.

Names? Sure, they’re fine. My mind doesn’t really see the names anyway when I read.

Detail? See above. There are good details, they just don’t all go together in my mind. Don’t worry about a page being too long, I’ve seldom seen any complaints in that area here!

Starting Point? I like that you start out in the action, moving along, with the story already under way!

Names? I always just google random fantasy name generator when I need more. I don’t know why I don’t bookmark somewhere, but ah well.

Other questions? As I already mentioned, I think you need to have an overall story idea (maybe you already do) so you have some idea of where you’re going.

Other feedback? Really, you want more than that? ;)

Remember... you asked... :) 

Yes I did!

For me, the starting section was quite jarring. I read “dark” and in my mind, I was in darkness. Okay. Then I started to tumble. I’m picturing down, because that’s how I often tumble. But in the next sentence I was running down an alley. I thought I was tumbling. I’m not sure what’s happening now. Then I feel heavy rain on my shoulders. I’m not going to feel that if I’m tumbling or running, so now I don’t have any idea what I’m doing. 

This part it seems I wrote differently to how I was imagining it, going to revise it to be more consistent.

The same happened in the second section to a lesser degree. I’m cold. Okay. Then I hear about the “Light-bearer,” which to me implies heat. Wait, is she here? Oh, no, it’s a dream. 

Going to be a bit more specific here. (She is some way behind you, but if you stop she will get to you).

In the “tired” section, I was confused over the “here.” Where is here? In one sentence, “here” is the city of the broken. A couple sentences later “here” is this alley/intersection. A few sentences later, “here” is inside the Port Gate where I can hide. 

Yeah I did change what here meant a few times, going to change here to the places I am talking about.

The city of Hope was, well, strange. It was introduced as a city. But in the descriptions of the various locations, it is a few shacks and mostly dangerous monsters. That doesn’t sound like any city I know (well, with a couple possible exceptions I suppose).

Might change the way I describe the Underlying Ridge, since that place has shacks due to it being difficult to make stable houses, there are stone ruins (which would have served as housing) before it sunk.
The chasm has the monsters deeper down, not so much the rest of the city (in a sense). But I see now that the city does seem rather un-city like, so will revise those descriptions (and some before it).

And what’s on the other side of the Port Gate? It sounds like I’m in “the city” now, so would that be outside the city? Or is that a prison? It sounds like a prison. 

Will rename port to harbor, since that's what it is meant to be. You are in the city and the gate is supposed to be the gate that leads to the harbor, but it used to serve as bit of a prison, so I might have sent a few mixed vibes about what it actually is.

When I approach the split, I’m confused again. I thought it was an intersection. But wait, I’m running (tumbling?) down an alleyway, and it’s going to split. Okay. But wait, there’s four new directions I can go? That’s some split! 

Going revise that part so it makes more sense (maybe rename the alley to street). Also review the way I describe direction.

So overall, it is some good writing, but seems to lack a little in the area of coordination with all the parts. 

Will fix the descriptions.

Other choices? The more choices you add, the more you have to write. Be prepared for that. And perhaps line up more of an initial story before you start deciding what choices there will be. That will help with the longer storyline overall. 

Will probably just add more back story details in this first part, will see how that goes.

Names? Sure, they’re fine. My mind doesn’t really see the names anyway when I read. 

I tend to have trouble with naming people/things so that's a relief.

Detail? See above. There are good details, they just don’t all go together in my mind. Don’t worry about a page being too long, I’ve seldom seen any complaints in that area here! 

Will add more of them to make them fit. So the page will likely end up quite long.

Starting Point? I like that you start out in the action, moving along, with the story already under way! 

Read somewhere that having some sort of action at the start is good, glad to see that it is true!

Names? I always just google random fantasy name generator when I need more. I don’t know why I don’t bookmark somewhere, but ah well. 

Google... I should have thought of that, guess I just wanted more questions there. :D

Other questions? As I already mentioned, I think you need to have an overall story idea (maybe you already do) so you have some idea of where you’re going. 

I have quite a lot of ideas, but I do have one for this story, just need to refine the story so you understand whats happening to the degree I do.
(Seeing as I am writing there is a lot more detail in my head than on paper, so again revision!)

Other feedback? Really, you want more than that? ;) 

Won't need more for now! This is plenty.

 

Any other choice that could be added in?

I think what you've got is good.  It would be a bit odd to have mostly directional choices and then something action-based.

Are the names good?

Yeah.  No need to translate ordinary words into other languages just to fantasy it up.

How is the detail?

Pages are not too long.  Check Eternal. XD 

I like the amount of detail given on the directional choices.  Much more interesting than if you'd simply told me to pick Chasm or Cathedral.  I feel like the details you've given mean I'm not just picking randomly, I can actually make a guess as to where the story might go if I head one way versus another.

How is the starting point?

Oh god yes of course you don't have to start at the protagonist's childhood.

Any suggestions for coming up with names for people?

. . . be better at naming? XD  Seriously, I wouldn't use a fantasy generator for this story.  Since you've made the choice to use plain English for the place names, I'd find names like Rothilion and Phraan (what I got with the first generator I tried) out of place and kinda silly.  

What exactly do you mean by "generic stuff won't fit a darker setting?"  You could always pull a GRRM and misspell the heck out of actual names. 

Any questions I forgot to ask?

You can't delete threads. Why would you want to delete this, anyway?

Side note: Those 40+ guests are probably bots. 

So what do you think?
(Overall, and specifics.)

Overall:  Great beginning.  I'd definitely want to read the rest of this story.

I'm going to be super critical now, because I think you're talented enough to not freak out and get discouraged. 

Dark:  Your first line is basically "Darkness.  Dark."  Which is a bit redundant.  Unless darkness is the page title, which I guess would be okay.

Kinda agree with Ogre on that second line.  Tumble swiftly, but keep your footing?  That basically means I did a running forward somersault, which is cool if I'm a video game character but kinda unlikely for most humanoid people.

Oh, and especially not if I'm wearing heavy boots.  

I feel the dark night on my shoulders?  I feel the lack of the moon?  Little overwrought, but fantasy is melodramatic.

Cold:  should be "you're cold" not "your cold."  

"They are behind you.  The Light bearer, she calls herself."  wait, is it they or she who's behind me? I'm guessing maybe they work for she, but it reads like a grammatical error.

If it was "so long ago" how come they only found me just now?  

Tired:  Generally "banished" implies being prohibited from a specific area, not trapped within a specific area.  

Locations:

Port Gate:  I don't think I'd phrase it as "a division of the Empire known as. . ." It would have to be something like "a division of the Imperial army."  I disagree with Ogre, I didn't read it as a prison being beyond the wall, I read it as the wall was once a prison.

Chasm:  I have actually been to a city that was divided by a canyon.  How do the people that live in/on the walls get up and down? (Not a nitpick, genuine curiosity.)

Ridge:  Can't quite visualize this, but you seem to have an understanding of the geography.

Cathedral: How big is enormous?  If it's a gigantic church big enough for multiple Priests to live within it, how will you be stuck in a place with nowhere to hide?  First you said the Priests absolve the sins of your past lives, then you said they could absolve your past and the light bearer would leave- does that mean she's after you for something you did in a past life?

I get Ogre's point about "if that's all there is here, then this is a really crappy city" but I guess I read it as "there's a lot of other places here too, these are just the four you thought could hide/protect you from your pursuers."

-----

If I weren't reading it with an eye towards "finding things I think I'd change" my comments would be 99% positive.  Like everyone says though, the trick is somehow managing to keep up that level of quality and produce a finished product.  There's a thousand pretty good stories with only the first three pages ever written. 

Any other choice that could be added in?

I think what you've got is good.  It would be a bit odd to have mostly directional choices and then something action-based.

Added the action choice when I was re-reading, sort of want to make sure the reader can make almost any choice (at this stage anyway).

Are the names good?

Yeah.  No need to translate ordinary words into other languages just to fantasy it up.

Good to hear! Not that easy to get good things out of google translate.

How is the detail?

Pages are not too long.  Check Eternal. XD 

And Eternal got a great rating!

I like the amount of detail given on the directional choices.  Much more interesting than if you'd simply told me to pick Chasm or Cathedral.  I feel like the details you've given mean I'm not just picking randomly, I can actually make a guess as to where the story might go if I head one way versus another.

That's what I was going for, I wanted the reader to know why their character would be making one choice over another. Or for the reader to at least know where it is they are going. Not thinking "Is the chasm a pit? Or some sort of beast?".

How is the starting point?

Oh god yes of course you don't have to start at the protagonist's childhood.

Eternal did... But more on not starting at childhood later.

Any suggestions for coming up with names for people?

. . . be better at naming? XD  Seriously, I wouldn't use a fantasy generator for this story.  Since you've made the choice to use plain English for the place names, I'd find names like Rothilion and Phraan (what I got with the first generator I tried) out of place and kinda silly.  

That would sound out of place, might make something story wise explain the lack of names! (ie. Light Bearer isn't a name, but its what she is called).

What exactly do you mean by "generic stuff won't fit a darker setting?"  You could always pull a GRRM and misspell the heck out of actual names. 

That's interesting!

Any questions I forgot to ask?

You can't delete threads. Why would you want to delete this, anyway?

It was up for around +20 hours with no feedback, also getting feedback for a first page like this started to seem a bit pointless (not anymore thought).

Side note: Those 40+ guests are probably bots. 

Bots!? To rate story games? Farm xp? Odd that this site would get bots :/

So what do you think?
(Overall, and specifics.)

Overall:  Great beginning.  I'd definitely want to read the rest of this story.

Woohoo!

I'm going to be super critical now, because I think you're talented enough to not freak out and get discouraged. 

Hope I won't.

Dark:  Your first line is basically "Darkness.  Dark."  Which is a bit redundant.  Unless darkness is the page title, which I guess would be okay.

Darkness is the page title, First Page sounded dull.
But the whole dark thing seems to have thrown off the initial description of where you are, however am revising this.

Kinda agree with Ogre on that second line.  Tumble swiftly, but keep your footing?  That basically means I did a running forward somersault, which is cool if I'm a video game character but kinda unlikely for most humanoid people.

I think I imagined tumbling as something else, that line was taken from a song! But yeah, you aren't supposed to be doing a somersault.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mrlws0Dl49g

Oh, and especially not if I'm wearing heavy boots.  

Description back firing! Not too much thought.

I feel the dark night on my shoulders?  I feel the lack of the moon?  Little overwrought, but fantasy is melodramatic.

Has it ever occured to you that you aren't human? Or that dark(ness) isn't just the lack of light?
Pointless potentially story things aside, yeah I might change that its tone is a bit out of place too.

Cold:  should be "you're cold" not "your cold."  

Going to need people to read through it at some stage, too much English things!

"They are behind you.  The Light bearer, she calls herself."  wait, is it they or she who's behind me? I'm guessing maybe they work for she, but it reads like a grammatical error.

Will change this part, maybe they to she, or she to them, will see. Had a special sort of structure going, more evident on the following pages (its loose here).
However no one seems to have noticed! It will just cause me more trouble it seems.

If it was "so long ago" how come they only found me just now?  

Going to explain this in the story a bit more, good catch.

Tired:  Generally "banished" implies being prohibited from a specific area, not trapped within a specific area.  

Ah ha! You are banished from everything BUT this city. Will change the wording so that its more clear.

Locations:

Port Gate:  I don't think I'd phrase it as "a division of the Empire known as. . ." It would have to be something like "a division of the Imperial army."  I disagree with Ogre, I didn't read it as a prison being beyond the wall, I read it as the wall was once a prison.

That might make more sense, will work on this part and see how that changes. Might even scrap that they are a division of anything.
Kind of need you both to read it the same way, since its not describing something lore-ish but just telling you a fact, so revising!

Chasm:  I have actually been to a city that was divided by a canyon.  How do the people that live in/on the walls get up and down? (Not a nitpick, genuine curiosity.)

Might explain it slightly in the actual story until you go there.
For now think of Dark Souls Blight Town, the platforms and things. In Blight Town there are plenty of ladders but the main thing is two wheels with wooden planks linked with rope rotating around them, platforms stick out along these planks making a elevator! The wheels spin because a dog is running in it (a evil dog). Won't be a dog here thought.

Ridge:  Can't quite visualize this, but you seem to have an understanding of the geography.

Will rework the description, not good for me if you can't imagine a place you will be running around!

Cathedral: How big is enormous?  If it's a gigantic church big enough for multiple Priests to live within it, how will you be stuck in a place with nowhere to hide?  First you said the Priests absolve the sins of your past lives, then you said they could absolve your past and the light bearer would leave- does that mean she's after you for something you did in a past life?

Enormous... really big? Going to revise that since I need a better way of explaining it. Too vague now.
As for being stuck with nowhere to hide is because it doesn't have abandoned rooms, its large clean halls, open areas. But will likely change that last part to something more lore vague!
Past lives refers to who/what you were before coming to Hope, will add this in.

I get Ogre's point about "if that's all there is here, then this is a really crappy city" but I guess I read it as "there's a lot of other places here too, these are just the four you thought could hide/protect you from your pursuers."

These places are where the path splits to, and are close. You can't go back the way you came, so thats one or two places. Also places past the ones you can go. Hence I could likely add more places (and a map, but having trouble uploading images recently).

-----

If I weren't reading it with an eye towards "finding things I think I'd change" my comments would be 99% positive.  Like everyone says though, the trick is somehow managing to keep up that level of quality and produce a finished product.  There's a thousand pretty good stories with only the first three pages ever written. 

Yeah, when I get the first page perfect "perfect" good good enough I will have a basis for writing more and improving what I have.
As you can see I got heaps of feedback about the way the writing fits and descriptions in general (a few story things too).

Going to be rewriting this page (and using my replies to the feedback as a guide) before re-posting it here.

Hopefully get more feedback when that happens!

 

IMPORTANT EDIT ******

This project is being put on hold for now, a bit too huge for a first story. I will come back to it some day (hopefully)!

(EDIT AGAIN) 12/8/2017 Zake here, fixed one typo I spotted ('to' should have been 'too'). (Actually there is more I'd change but that was bothering me the most, also I should keep it as a reminder).

Anyway... wow I typed differently back in the day. I don't know how to feel about this. I won't look over this page again mainly because I am trying to write another story (that'll never get finished), but just feel like thanking everyone who replied to me in my earlier days. I like to think I am a lot better at not making pointless threads these days, so I can safely say I've improved.

Dialogue punctuation is still pissing me off, I swear it looks so wrong despite actually being correct... and when it looks good I don't change it despite it being wrong! Gah.

Anyway pm if you are reading this, you'll get a prize (tho I'll forget what it is by the time you pm me, probably).

Lastly thank you all again for putting up with me, and for continuing to do so.

P.S.
If I remember I'll come back here in a year again for an update. xD

(EDIT ONCE AGAIN) 10/01/2019 'Zake here', like it isn't obvious... anyway, once more I shall state surprise at my old writing style, just wow. I'll also point out the 'xD', I have phased emoticons out of my writing. I will miss them, because they could be helpful in trying to show mood/tone, but ultimately I had my own idea of what they meant so I was probably just being misleading with them anyway (especially with the ':p' I used to use).

Anyway, I got some odd html breaks for that previous edit, not sure why I didn't use different paragraphs... but moving on. Dialogue punctuation! It is no longer pissing me off, in fact I try to bring it up whenever I spot what I think an error in others work here, so hurrah for that? Anyway, the real reason I likely won't come back to this story is that it fails miserably at setting up stakes/reason to care, which is my current major hurdle.

In fact, these days, I find coming up with a solid idea that can work for even a linear story is just beyond me. Sometimes I start something, write 1-3k words, sleep, wake up and realize it is garbage. I swear coming up with good ideas was easier back in the day... but hey, maybe I just didn't know how to assess an idea.

Anyway, one thing that hasn't changed is my gratitude towards the people who have/do/will help(ed) me. I can only hope I'll produce something worthwhile some day, something worth reading.

Worth mentioning I have forgotten what the reward for pming me would've been, but luckily no one pmed me regarding this. I imagine it was something stupid, like a sneak peak into one of my writing works. Other than that, I only have one thing to mention:

• Fancy Clothes + Musket Fantasy setting story, that is my current main 'project'. I still worry it is too weak and not engaging, but it is early on enough that I shouldn't give up on it just yet. After all, the setting is somewhat unique, and the story should hit some interesting beats. I expect to have abandoned it by my next return here.
• Loose Modern Dystopia is a back burner, more so the idea. It was a setting that was described as somewhat interesting, which made me super glad, and thus want to try and actually write a storygame for it. That way I could see if it was just the potential that appeared interesting. Anyway, this one is tough as I have thought about it too much to find a simple starting point now... but I do have a few in mind.

Ultimately, I'm just too lazy. Need to push myself to write more, otherwise I'll never improve.

P.S. Returned to update a bit past a year... whoops. But hey, better late than never, am I right?
Oh also pm me if you find this. There will be a reward. Make it clear the pm is in regards to it, otherwise I'll assume it isn't. See you next year (or latter)!

(EDITING ANOTHER TIME) 01/02/2021 Seems I missed 2020? Anyway, it seems my writing style hasn't changed much, but idiot me should've been more specific when talking about my past current projects, because as it stands, I have no idea what 'fancy clothes and musket fantasy' is supposed to be. However, it is safe to say that my prediction of not finishing it was correct.

Currently I'm sad about a linear story turning out shit despite writing like 7 chapters, but hey, that's part of the process. Maybe it can be the reward for someone finding this, wouldn't that be funny. Anyway, the scope got out of hand. Beware the creep! But this was some months ago, so at the moment I'm thinking about writing a 'walk in a forest' story for one of Mizal's threads. It may be possible, as I currently have some endings for a gimmick planned, but that is not related to the forest and alone will not make for a compelling story, so if I get enough ideas I'll finish it.

Alternatively, I've been looking at my Crusade story attempt (fantasy) and thinking about going back to just write it, even if shit. Why that story? Because I put quotations in its title, meaning it appears at the top of my massive pile of unfinished storygames. I think I should just force myself to write garbage and work from top to bottom to finish all those stories before I die.

Mind you, I'm still young, so I shouldn't die anytime soon, but boy can I see my writing endeavours becoming a major regret if I never publish something.

The story I've started thinking about again today is one based on enneagrams, where there are eight characters and you interact with them based on their specific personalities needs to either move them up or down the 'health' levels. This sounds ambitious, but it can be reined in to not get too out of hand, and is simpler than it sounds. It'd be a sci-fi story. I also have an idea for the ending that should be a good payoff for the character interactions, assuming I can actually write a fight scene in a compelling manner.

But enough about that. I'm still grateful for this community, and feel bad about my activity dropping, as I'm less confident in my abilities, but I like to think that's a good sign. I should go back to posting text walls for feedback, I'm sure people didn't mind (much).

See you with a text wall next year or the year after (hopefully).

P.S. I've changed my profile picture! It could use some shading, but art is hard. Maybe if I write a 100k story I'll claim Mizal's sponsorship for a MHD drawing.

It's been said, but 'tumble' implies falling and so that was the only really jarring part for me. It might not have jumped out so much, but being the first sentence, it had some unfortunate placement.

I felt like the big infodump about the destinations you could pick was a bit much and interrupted the flow of the rest of the page. All this emphasis on hurried fleeing and the short, rapid thoughts going through the character's mind, and then the reader's made to sit down and process all that.   The details are good to have, but consider putting them on a separate page the player can reference? That's often a good way to handle detailed setting information, and to reward those who enjoy and search out that kind of thing while not bogging down those who like to fly blindly through.

Well it kept my attention (I have a very short attention span) so that is saying something!