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Toss around ideas and brainstorm your story.

Your Thoughts On This?

6 years ago

http://chooseyourstory.com/story/i-don't-need-it~2e~2e~2e

This is a storygame I've been working on, and I'd like as much feedback and criticism as possible.

 

It's a draft, so there'll be grammatical errors, but I'm more interested in hearing your thoughts on the story itself, and if it seems like something you'd enjoy reading completely.

Read as little or as much as you'd like, there's quite a bit done.

Thanks in advance!

 

Your Thoughts On This?

6 years ago

The writing itself is really good and there's a lot going on on the first page alone, I don't think this'll have any trouble getting readers' attention. I've always felt like the Modern Adventure category doesn't get enough quality stories so I'll be glad to see this one when it's finished.

There are a lot of punctuation issues but I'm assuming you'll clean these up for the final draft. Otherwise, there were just a couple of matters of logic I was wondering about. Is it ever explained why the main character hasn't seen his family in all those years? It seems like they would have found time to visit him at least occasionally.  And just focusing on the first page some more..I was cringing a little at him just running around carrying his wife all over the place when she had fractures and a concussion, and him getting 'bored' after all that while his wife is lying there unconscious seems sort of strange. (The domestic violence angle kind of raised an eyebrow too, that's a hell of a way to introduce a character , but then again that's one way to remind people he just got out of prison and get across the fact that he's not exactly a saint...)

I wasn't seeing a lot of choices to meaningfully change the direction of the plot, but of course this is still the early parts of the story. The doctor's change did seem a little overly dramatic and I'm not sure how realistic, but again, I"m only seeing the first few pages so maybe that'll be explained.

 

 

Your Thoughts On This?

6 years ago

Thanks for going ahead and reading so far in!

 

The main character isn't supposed to be a good guy in any way, and I don't want to do the old 'bad guy finds redemption in family' or something, because that's been done plenty of times before and I wanted to try something. Maybe that page was a bit too much, at least with the violence, but I can reword or tone it down if I reread it and it seems to be a glaring issue.

The way I wanted to have the story planned out was by introducing the situation like I did, and slowly drawing flashbacks of what happened while he was in prison as a means of storytelling and putting the pieces of the puzzle together while the reader plays. I will agree on the fact that the doctor part was written because I was feeling whimsical, but I want the characters to be memorable and even a bit far-fetched. I do want to keep the realism there however, so thanks for bringing that up.

 

I do plan on making all the characters you interact with special in some way, and the writing and characters inhabiting the story are supposed to represent the corruption and insanity that is the prison.

 

Thanks again for taking the time to read!

Your Thoughts On This?

6 years ago

Liked the plot so far, but the writing could be cleaned up. Didn't really like the character though, he seems like a pussy. For somebody who's robbed tons of people, a few kingpins, served 10 years in prison, and has no problem beating his wife, it struck me as weird that he'd back up during an altercation with Burton so that he wouldn't get swung on. 

Your Thoughts On This?

6 years ago

I see what you mean.

Would you recommend just taking out the option you're referring to altogether, or just finding a workaround?

Your Thoughts On This?

6 years ago

I mean it's your story, I'm just giving you my opinion, you feel me?

If I was you, I'd probably just rewrite the scenes a little bit to more accurately portray the character the way I see him.

Your Thoughts On This?

6 years ago

Yeah, I get you. I think I'll get to work on that.

The punctuation and grammatical errors I can do at a later date, since I want to get the foundation of the story and plot down first.

 

Anything else?

 

Edit: Thanks again, this is exactly what I was hoping for in terms of critiques. I'll work hard to fix some things here and there and work towards an improved project.