Hey, so I've started my newest story, a horror called Dawnwood, and I've realized horror's not exactly my specialty. So, to any veterans of stories that scare and tales that terrify, I'd love to hear your opinions, advice and criticism of my first two horror bits. There's not really much context to either, both are aabout taking a dare to go into either an old, abandoned barn that's supposedly haunted, and
As you step through, you enter complete darkness penetrated by a single beam of pale moonlight coming from the gap. Ant steps in afterwards, looking around nervously.
"OK, we've went inside, dare's over," Ant says.
Mason sighs, pushing the plywood back in place. You hear his muffled voice a few seconds later.
"Go upstairs and open the boards at the window. That’ll prove your actually explored this pile of rotten wood. Then we'll let you out, Ant," Lucy says.
"You're a bitch!" Ant says, thumping on the plywood, before turning to you.
"Let's explore," he says nervously with false enthusiasm.
You pull out your phone, turning on the flashlight. The inside of the barn is immediately illuminated. A stables made of rotten wood takes up most of the barn, with the floor covered in dried, rotten hay.
"It smells like shit in here," Ant complains.
"Hush," you reply.
You spot a partially rotted out stairs leading to the upper floor. You walk over to it. You put your foot on the first stair and put some weight on it to make sure it'll hold. You slowly make your way up the stairwell, reaching the upper-floor. There's a dead silence inside, even the wind dying as complete silence consumes you. You scan the room with your flashlight. You wince as you notice a blood-stained noose hanging from the ceiling.
"Jesus. Is that what I think it is?"
"No, Hazel, it's a fucking...I can't even think of a mocking example,” Hazel says in an exasperated, panicked voice. “Of course it's a...!"
There's a creaking of the floorboards behind you, and you quickly turn to find... nothing.
"Hazel, please. If you're trying to freak me out, just... don't."
"I'm not doing..."
You feel something knock into your back and you fall forward with a yelp. Your phone flies from your hands. It falls forward down the stairs, thudding before it lands on it's back, obscuring the flashlight and plunging you into total darkness.
"What the fuck, Ant?"
"I swear to god, that wasn't me!" Ant says. "Let's get out of here, fuck the window."
You hear haggard, wet breathing in at the stairwell, and you freeze.
"What...?"
"Shut up!" you hiss.
The breathing continues, before turning to a wet, squelching chuckle. Ant whimpers, as you begin to back away from the stairwell.
"It ain't your night tonight, kids," a deep voice says, each word interspersed with the wet squelching you've heard before. "What the fuck makes two dumbass, chicken-shit kids come into a place you don't belong?"
"What the fuck...?" Ant says, half whimpering and half shrieking.
"Sssh... save your breath. I ain't even given you a reason to start hollering... yet."
Your hear the flick of a lighter before a flame splutters to life in front of you, illuminating all three of you. Then, you get the first sight of the Dead Man. His skin is grey and dead, his eyes cold, lifeless and pure black. His mouth has been carved open, the cuts carving upwards into a smile. Blood stains his rotting skin and his shirt. He wears a classic cowboy hat and leather duster, and his neck is covered in the deep bruises caused by a noose. Ant tries to scream, but can't find the air to do so. You freeze, immobilized in terror, as the Dead Man grin.
You crawl forward on your hands and knees, turning around and sliding through the window. You wiggle, taking a good minute to squeeze through, before dropping into the darkness of the basement. You lose sight of everything, and are left in complete and utter darkness that even the light of the moon can not penetrate. You listen, and the silence is broken by the quiet yelp and thud of Ant falling through the window.
"Ssssh!" you hiss.
"Fine," Ant says.
You hear him fumble around in the darkness, before silence resumes. A tiny light flickers as Ant lights his cigarette lighter, his face being the only thing illuminated in the darkness. You draw your phone, turning on the flashlight, a more modern solution to the darkness. A workshop table is illuminated, with several... pieces of bone and flesh covering the tables.
"What the fuck...?" Ant says, stepping back. "It was only supposed to be a rumor. I was nervous, but I didn't actually... I..."
"What the hell is this place?"
"We need to get out of here," Ant hisses.
You stare at the table in pure horror. You turn your phone over, making out several more of these workshop tables covered in gristle and pieces of former victims. A large toll rack covered in blood stained knives, some deadly sharp, some serrated, some large enough to easily carve through bone as if through butter.
"Hazel, snap out of it!"
"OK, OK," you say, shaking your head. "I'll boost you out the window, you pull me up afterwards, got it?" you say.
Ant nods, and you hurry to the basement window. He puts his foot in your cupped hands and you give him a boost. He grabs the window frame, and begins to pull himself through the door. You push him as he wiggles through the door. It takes a good two minutes for him to squeeze back through, before turning to grab your hand.
"Come on, let's go!" you say.
You hear a creaking. You turn off your phone as a beam of light from an opening door bursts in.
"Hide!" Ant whisper loudly. "He's coming!"
You look around. In the darkness, you see only two eligible options for hiding place: Under the workshop table or behind the "tool" rack. Then again, you could always try to squeeze through the window, although even with Ant's help, Herr Eichel might get you first.
Well, that's all I have. If anyone has any criticisms of advice to give, I'd love to hear it. Thanks.
