EDITED my wall of text into paragraphs.
So I'll just give my thoughts on this, don't expect much and keep in mind it is just my opinion, no need to change your whole thing just because I might not like something.
Ok first, the second last paragraph "Now, years of they incited the Great War..."
I feel 'years of they' doesn't really flow well, so consider rewriting this sentence.
With that out of the way, I have nothing more to nitpick about the actual writing, but I still encourage you to reread it (proofreading is important!).
Another thing, overall, what you have here sounds great to me, you could write a great story about it.
The issue is that this is all exposition to the world, nothing really happens. Now, this isn't necessarily bad, as I haven't yet decided whether I start on a mountain or in some farmland. Obviously some world building is important, just personally I suggest you give some sort of action in the scene, heck introducing the player character would likely work great! I am just talking about what I have seen here, keep that in mind. Basically if you spend too much time just world building the 'story' will get dull pretty quick, mainly because there is only so much I can remember about your world at a time, and if it is all exposition it isn't really a 'story' either, more like history....(huh story)
So just be careful that you aren't just telling me about your world the whole time, have an actual story. Again, you definitely have a good premise for the story to take place on, along with plenty of places to go and even some characters to meet. This is great, the world sounds good, just try not to dump too much exposition on the reader too fast. As this is the beginning, the exposition tends to be on a higher level, that's fine, just be careful where you go from here. (ie, please don't spend a huge page talking even more about Lindenvale or Dunkirk based on the choice, considering the reader will be in that place you can make use of the 'show don't tell' technique, which will help get the story going).
Just as an example, instead of mentioning that the Aurelay have "honorable men, proper women, fine wine and summer festivals of great renown", you could have the player character go there and see it for themselves. As Aurelay isn't a starting location, the information about it could be kept out, that way the player could experience these things when they go there (if at all). This helps spread out the information about the world, so you have less exposition right at the start. Also, you would have the potential of the people in, say, Lindenvale painting the Aurelay in a crap light so that the reader has a dislike towards them from the beginning, before they even meet them.
I should mention that is just an example that you could use in regards to giving more details about stuff in general. Show don't tell (as mentioned in brackets earlier). As such, what you did mention already doesn't need to be taken out or changed, it all really depends on the rest of the story. Heck knowing this about Aurelay before picking Lindenvale/Dunkirk could actually be a good move. I don't know what happens next, you do. As such you have a much better idea of what information the reader should know at this stage. There are positives to exposition, it isn't all bad, so again, don't feel that you need to change what you have here at the moment. I just want you to think about where, and why, you give exposition. That way it won't just be tacked on for no reason.
As an example of what not to do: Mentioning that the Aurelay's main leader has seven sons and daughters, all their names, roles, responsibilities, likes and dislikes. Stuff like that is where the exposition really doesn't belong, as it does nothing for the story at this point. The exposition you have here sets the stage, that is good. Just, make sure the reader gets to get on the stage at some point, preferably soon after all this setup.
If you happen to write an 'action' scene of some kind, please do post it as it will give me a much better idea of your writing, as such I can try to give feedback which might actually be helpful (rather than rambling about exposition). Heck, putting up your next page for one of the choices would be great too (even if it is more exposition, since I can give my opinion on if you handled it well or not).
Another thing, I said I wouldn't nitpick the writing too much, and I only read over it once, but when you are proofreading consider mouthing the words to see how they flow. Flow is pretty important as well. With that said, I don't feel you had any major issues with flow, as if you did you can bet I would be rambling about it.
Last thing I will mention is that the two choices you are offering here sound pretty huge. Like, two separate stories kind of huge. I am not sure how big you plan on making this, but if you find yourself struggling dropping one of the paths (and maybe adding it later or making another standalone story for it) could be a good move.
However, this really depends on you, and how much you can handle. Just keep in mind you don't have to write two separate stories in one (since to me it really does sound like the choice will have such a huge impact that there likely won't be much overlay between the paths (making writing it take a lot longer)).
With that said, you might have this starting location be little more than a prologue, again depends on what you plan to do with it. But considering the thread title is literally "Rangers of Lindenvale OR the Assassins of Dunkirk", I think it is safe for me to assume you plan on having to very different paths.
Well that's all I have to say (for now). Feel free to ask for my opinion on other things if you want. And just to reiterate, what you have here is a great start, but it depends so much on where you take it from here. So again, I encourage you to post the next page (either choice) as the more writing you put up, the better the feedback you can get will be.
Just some questions:
How big do you plan the choice here to be? Is it as huge as I think it is, or is it smaller? Just wondering. Personally, I find this is something worth thinking about in regards to any choice you put in. How big or small is it?
Are you using the advance editor? Just wondering because this can heavily effect the way you write your story.
P.S. Again, this is just my thoughts on what you have here. The more you give the better they will be. Also the thoughts of a random person who hasn't even published a storygame really shouldn't sway you too much, just think about the things I mentioned and whether there is anything usefulness among it, that could help you make your story as good as it can be.
P.P.S. People who haven't published storygames can still give great feedback, just in my particular case it does serve as a warning to how seriously you should be taking what I say.
TL;DR
This is a good start, keep writing, be careful with exposition, keep writing and this is all just my opinion.
Good luck!
