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I will use this thread to measure progress, as well as talk about the sequel to "A Tale of Theft and Guns". I would have put that in the title of the thread, but "Progress Thread" wouldn't fit. Also this thread will spoil the first game, so don't read on unless you have played the first one. It's short, I promise.

So for the first one I set things up doing one mission. The focus of the first one was on the mission, and not so much the characters. Mara pointed this out in her review, so I want to make the whole focus of this one on getting to know the characters. I want to have the conflict be internal also.

So for the outline I like to write out the storygame in the cys editor, and have it say what I want to happen on the page. So it is a summary combined with rough draft. So I'll do that first, and post with progress every 3 days.

Here is the first page

You stand in front of the door again. It's strange to be standing here again. It has only been a week since you were last standing here, but it all feels so foreign. You don't feel like you're one of them. In fact you don't even know much about them. The only reason you know Jerome is because of a mutual friend. Putting those feelings aside, you open the door.

"Look, we can't afford to do this! We need to play it safer then we have been. What if we get caught, then..." Jerome starts before Simon cuts him off.

"I don't care if we get caught! We need to take risks! How else are we going to take control of this city!"

"What do you mean 'take control of this city'? We never agreed to this!"

"Do you not want the power? The status? The money? I know you're only here to help your sister, but I'll be damned if you drag us down for your selfish..."

"Leave Veronica out of this! We both know you don't care about any of us! You just want to use us as tools to achieve your fucking pipe dream. News flash, this is reality! You aren't going to fulfill your promise to your brother, and I'll be damned before I let you get us all arrested, or even killed because you feel obligated to fulfill your lies!"

"How dare you disrespect him like that! My brother was a great man, and we can control this city. I know it. All it will take is for you to have a little passion! You have no drive, and YOU are the problem. Not me. I have drive, I have desire, and I have a purpose. All you want is money. You are nothing but a greedy little leech who will end up sucking up all the life of this crew until we give up and break apart!"

"Am I greedy for wanting to support my sister in her most desperate time? Huh?! If that makes me greedy then I am nothing but proud of my greed and selfishness!"

"Oh please, Your sister is in PRISON. She deserves to be desperate, that's the point! If she knew you were here helping us there is no way she would ever accept any money from you! Are you going to disrespect her by being here, helping criminals. Breaking the law yourself to help someone who is paying for their crimes. How noble of you. Perhaps I should tell her that you, her oh so moral brother, is helping LITERAL THIEVES to help her! I wonder how she would respond to that, Don't you?"

"If you do anything like that I swear to fucking god I'll turn your ass in! I'm doing this for her own good. If it means violating the law then so be. I like you and Ava, but I find this disgusting! I would never under normal circumstances do anything like this, but it was the only way to make enough money for both of us quick enough.. Don't you DARE try and shame me, when you actually get ENJOYMENT from this shit! I'm sorry I don't want to commit to doing this long term, but can you blame me? We break into places and steal things from innocent people. Sure some have insurance on the things, but most don't! And we take from them. I've long come to terms with the fact that what I'm doing is wrong, but I won't do it any longer than I have too. If that makes me not loyal, then so be it. I don't want to be loyal to a criminal anyway."

They both look ready to fight each other when Ava steps in, "Look, I joined because of the thrill of it, I didn't join for easy money, and I didn't join for conquest. I joined because I wanted to feel the thrill of the chase. Of stealing without anyone knowing it was you. Of coming so close to being caught, but getting away just in time with your target. I like this place, and whatever path we go down I'll support, but I want to do it with both you. And him," she points at you. "I bet you two didn't even notice he was here the whole time. We are a group. Let's decide this later when we aren't throwing fucking chairs at each other. Alright?"

"Fine, but if we go any further with this than stealing then I'm leaving. Knowing Simon he'll want us to become murders"

They both walk out of the apartment, and Ava collapses on the couch.

"So...that happen often?"

"Yeah, but it's been getting worse. It's not normally that bad. Simon wants to go further and become one of the big crew, but Jerome barely wants to do what we are doing now. I'm afraid that going any further with things will make him quit. And here I am, stuck in the middle. I could either way. I like where we are now. We do two or three hits a month, and we get by. Though it would be nice to go bigger. Take on more risk. More then anything I just want us all to stay together and be happy, but I guess that's too much to ask."

She sighs as she gets up from the couch and heads towards the door. "What we called you here for is we are all doing our own little projects right now. I'm setting up to hit the next place, Simon is negotiating with some people from other gangs, and Jerome... well I don't know exactly what he's doing, but he says he could use your help. So pick whoever and meet with them tomorrow. I'm heading out. You can stay here if you want, or go home. Either is fine. Simon is renting it, but it's home for all of us if we want it."

As she turns to head out the door you speak up, "Wait, what was all that about Jerome's sister and Simon's brother?"

"I'm sure they will tell you another time. It's not really my place. Goodbye."

"Bye."

You decide to crash there for the night. Thoughts swirl in your head about what everyone said. Not only that but you have to choice someone to help tomorrow. Despite the stress, you eventually manage to fall asleep.

I do like the option of 'picking sides'- it definitely seems to be setting up for Simon and Jerome to be heavy clashing bigtime, and for the player to choose which one to support. 

Bumping to remind MicroPen that it has been over a week with no follow-ups.

I haven't read the prequel--sneak peek is off as of writing this--but I gather this (and its prequel) is a story of a relatively unstable gang of thieves, whom's (who's?) fate revolves around the actions of the protagonist and (perhaps exclusively to this story) his relations to the rest of the gang. Granted, most of this is going just off the first page and the prequel's synopsis, but I look forward to seeing this story and this story's prequel regardless.

Now, having read through the first page, there are several changes I would make, notably at the beginning and end of the page. These are mostly minor and nitpicky, but I'm an asshole so I'll give them regardless.

You stand in front of the door again. It's strange to be standing here again.
This is honestly just a matter of personal taste, but ending two consecutive sentences with "again" feels kind of off.

In fact, you don't even know much about them.
Missing comma, added in red. Barely noticeable--which made it all the more important to point out.

You decide to crash there for the night.
The setting was at the house, so wouldn't it make more sense to change "there" to "here"?

Not only that but you have to choice someone to help tomorrow.
*Choose

Despite the stress, you eventually manage to fall asleep.
This is also just personal taste, but I feel like it would make more sense to make the important decision before going to bed and beginning the next corresponding pages with falling asleep.

 

Like I said earlier, I am eager to see this story's completion and previous story's release, so don't let this project die so soon!

Ah it got unpublished today since it was a 2.98 and to make way for other stories in the new stories section. Thouh it has the okay to go back up after it will be out of the new stories section, and for now I'll set it in sneak peak so that you can look at it.

At the time I thought I was going to jump straight into this as soon as finishing the first one, but I'm working on other projects atm. I will keep this updated though when I do make progress. Thanks for the feedback!

Edit: Sneak preview is on. When it is off you can't see the title on my profile page. You need to take the title and plug it into the url like this http://chooseyourstory.com/story/a-tale-of-theft-and-guns. Though for this one you can copy and paste that