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Good Night and Good Day

29 days ago
Ladies and Gentlemen! I have a fun little project for anyone who wants to participate. The purpose of this is to gather everyone's opinion, criticism, helpful tip, advice, and so forth. I designed this adventure with the idea that this project could become a masterpiece with the help of everyone who would like to participate in this. Here is my start:
" I could be at the top. They would all have to obey me for once, but I know I shouldn't think like that. Especially at an institution such as T.W.T.A. We've always been there to protect others from their own agents, systems of corruption, but they don't fear us. they would if I ran things.... I shouldn't think about this...."
If the sound of 1960s Agencies, classy fashion, action with backstory, the struggle of good and bad held in one mind, Technicolor descriptions, and exotic locations in the world is appealing, I welcome anyone who wants to help design this adventure. Message me for more information. I will be working on it, awaiting all who want to pitch in...

Good Night and Good Day

29 days ago
@Cromwell thread was moved here, you don't have to make copies.

Good Night and Good Day

28 days ago
I guess I should mention that co authoring requests by newbies rarely get much attention, everyone here is already buried in their own projects and sinking in a lot of time writing something for a total unknown (who will have control over any of their additions or might just vanish the next day) isn't very appealing.

Not to mention the organization and communication issues that generally make writing a story on your own less of a hassle than working with others.

It's much easier to find proofreaders or people to help with scripting etc once you have something already written.

But if you're just really really wanting to co author something, it might be better to try again once you're a little more established here with a few reviews written and some examples of your writing available for anyone potentially interested.

Good Night and Good Day

28 days ago
Commended by mizal on 5/23/2021 9:47:45 AM

Mizal's already given the best response, but I might as well throw in my own thoughts.


Storygame Feedback

This is based on what you've got currently.


Bugs

From Get Up, picking Go to the Bathroom, then Use Restroom, then Brush Teeth, I'm left able to pick Use Restroom again, and the text is the same.

It is a small thing, but if you're going to make this style of storygame (that is more similar to an IF game) then you do need to be careful with how you make the checks. Going back to fix these will quickly become a massive pain!

Personally, I think this style is tedious to implement, and that often times just having interesting choices fold back in on themselves and allow for future diversions is both: easier to implement and more fun to read. It still allows for a lot of permutations (if you need that), which still do need to be organised, but it cuts out a lot of the tedium.

With that said, this style can work! But you really got to do it with purpose, otherwise it is too easy to be both tedious to write AND to play. I think thorough planning is important to minimise the bugs, and also make it easier to fix them when they do slip by. Obviously do whatever works for you tho.

As there are unique things you can do when you structure the storygame like this, I won't say that you should change it, but I will say that you should consider changing it. You've only got 1k atm, so now is the time to think about this and pick what is best for the story.

Oh, and if you want to write this collaboratively, there is so much more room for error when there are heaps of links and variables, so just make sure whoever works with you has some idea of what they're doing.


Brush Teeth

I am guilty of having this stupid option in opening choices as well, and that's because they don't have to be stupid (tho in my case they were)! They just need to fit the setting, and the goal you have with the story/scene. Being able to brush teeth is mundane and almost always pointless. So why have it in?

Immersion? There are more interesting ways to immerse readers.

Is brushing teeth important? If it is important for some future reason (your dentist poisoned the toothpaste he gave you on your last check up), then you can still include it, but go over it without dedicating an entire page to it! Heck, maybe have dialogue later in the day where you complain to someone that your toothpaste tastes weird. Your imagination is the limit for overcoming these obstacles.

Anyway, being intentionally mundane isn't bad, but often most things in a story need to serve a purpose (developing characters or setting, or advancing the plot, are the general purposes). Here, I can't tell what the purpose is. That doesn't mean there isn't one, but if there isn't, considering changing this.


Plot

Nothing really happens in what you've got so far, probably because you wasted too much effort on making the dressing scene and the bathroom structure. Writing collaboratively does mean more hours can be put in so that more work gets done, but relying on that isn't the best idea (if you ask me).

I worry your scope is too big. Starting small is often encouraged for many reasons, but I won't bore you with the spiel.

You did, however, give some exposition, so hopefully you can execute on the ideas you have. Nothing inherently wrong with them, and they could end up interesting.


First Person Narration

Not the standard for a CYOA, but that doesn't matter, I just thought I'd mention it.

Anyway:

My blue-grey eyes focus on the tiny second hand ticking away, going in that constant motion, much like everyone alive in the world, always doing, trying to advance, but always going in a circle, no matter what.

I dislike this sentence. Who looks at their silver Rolex Explorer 1016 before getting out of bed and thinks all this? I never think about my eye colour at all! If this detail matters, I'd mention it later closer to where it matters (but considering you can miss this eye colour exposition, I'm gonna guess it doesn't matter).

Anyway, I'm not here to nitpick, but the mention of eye colour drew me out of this scene, and I didn't even notice your simile the first time reading. Having such stronger thoughts that tell us more about the character's view of the world is neat tho, even if I think the sentence could be better formatted (it seems too long?).

I think more paragraphs would be good as well, just to break up the text.


Masterpiece

I designed this adventure with the idea that this project could become a masterpiece

I don't see it. When you say you designed it, do you mean you have lots of planning documents? Or did you just think of an idea? Don't be discouraged but:

" I could be at the top. They would all have to obey me for once, but I know I shouldn't think like that. Especially at an institution such as T.W.T.A. We've always been there to protect others from their own agents, systems of corruption, but they don't fear us. they would if I ran things.... I shouldn't think about this...."

  • Space bar after first quotation is unnecessary.
  • I think third sentence is a fragment (tho those can be used intentionally).
  • 'own agents, and systems of corruption,' or something like that, if you're listing two things (use and/or to connect them).
  • Last sentence should start with a capital letter.
  • Ellipses should be one fewer dots = '...'

Remember when I said I'm not here to nitpick?

Anyway, I point this all out because I do not think you designed this story to be a masterpiece. You should proofread more if that is the goal (especially since this is your pitch for getting more writers to work on this with you).

The other reason I mention this is because you might want to consider writing something smaller in scope. This might be a short storygame you're planning, but I get the feeling it isn't.

If you do have the determination to work on this, I'd love to see your progress, so feel free to message me when you hit some major scene. It is a bit early to judge (but if my judgements aren't wrong, sharing them with you now could be more helpful, depending on how much you like proofreading/drafting).


Coauthoring

I sometimes think making design documents for a storygame and having a highly structured team work on it would be cool. How would I find people to work on it with me? No clue, but I def would want to write something myself first (to have a better grasp on the whole process).

Writing something solo where I make all the documents first would also be good, as it'd reduce the chances of the project dying immediately.

Anyway, Mizal covered the main things regarding coauthoring already, so I'll just say it generally has a bad rap for a reason. That isn't to say it cannot work tho! Just communicate your goals and expectations early on to avoid some of the hassle.


TL;DR

Good luck, and don't get discouraged if things don't go too smoothly. Coauthoring isn't exactly popular here either, so you might not find anyone, but you never know!

Good Night and Good Day

28 days ago
I see. Thank you for taking the time to read, proofread things, and whilst I dislike others nitpicking, it must be done at some point, so I appreciate it. As far as the game, I may take a break from it, seeing as the newest contest simply tickles my pickle rick... or something like that. I will revise the details of the exposition as you've clearly stated, and perhaps in the future, it'll be quite the spectacular creation (Big Doubt)

Good Night and Good Day

28 days ago

Participating in contests is good, since the deadline will push you to finish something (well, hopefully, lol).

Making something spectacular isn't easy, but I do think with enough effort anyone can do it. Just, depending on their abilities, more revision may be required to fix the lacking parts. If you write towards some vision, and continue to put in the time, you should end up with something that is at least interesting.

One of the issues is that people just stop. They don't revise the weaker parts, and often don't even conclude the story idea (rather just stopping when they loose motivation). As first drafts are weaker for most people, and especially more beginner writers (since they tend to make more mistakes that detract from the reading experience), it means they just put out something subpar.

Staying motivated is important, but writing when one isn't motivated is also possible (altho I'm sure this varies from person to person).

Anyway, as you took my above post well, I'll watch your career with great interest.

For the contest, keep the deadline in mind when determining the story scope/idea, so you can hopefully have a satisfying ending (but just rushing out endings on the last day is a valid technique too, lol).

And have fun with it!

Good Night and Good Day

28 days ago
Oh, this Cyberpunk game is going to be something I personally have never done before. I have always been fascinated by the genre, but never actually tried composing my own until now. With each element, and spark of an idea, I am enamored with the possibilities by it, and I believe that a game, in whatever fashion should be immersive. I try to describe what is necessary for the game to paint a simple, yet vivid art piece. I owe this to the memories of Zork, and other type based games on the Commodore 64 and DOSBOX. How I ramble...
In short, This contest entry will be my first game on here published, and I intend to make it something beautiful...