Hi everyone. I am writing a story that I was wondering if a couple of people had the time to do a play through of what I have written so far. My Grammer is one of my weak points. I have been reading my work multiple times but I may still missing mistakes.
I also wonder your thoughts on the progression of the story. Do you think it's advancing fast enough, or is it too slow, losing the interest of the reader. I worry I might be too descriptive, and the readers mind may wander if I am too long winded.
A side note to my story is the inspiration for it. I have had a run of bad luck with the pandemic. We lost our business. Currently, we do Uber eats and food dash trying to get back on our feet. However, we are homeless, living out of our car. Due to the current living situation and job, we travel all over the Dallas metroplex. I had to use the restroom one morning about 3am, so we pull into a very large gas station. I go inside, and this huge building is quiet without a soul in site. I didn't even see the clerk. I go into the bathroom, and notice when I shut the bathroom stall behind me, it looks banged up, like someone pried it open. I lock the lock on the handle, do my business, but when I try to leave the door won't open. I make sure it's unlocked and it won't budge. I start laughing reaching for my phone to call my husband to tell him I'm stuck in the bathroom stall, but then realize I left my phone in the car. I start to panic a little. The lights start to flicker. Now I am really hitting this door pushing and pulling trying to get it to open. I stop and quietly say, "please let me out." I hear a soft click and the door swings open. I don't know if my feet even hit the ground. I darted out of there.
When I told my husband, he told me about a delivery he made to a hotel next door. The doors wouldn't open. The front desk people had to pry it open to let him in. The elevator was also broken as the doors would not open, so he had to use the stairs.
That was part of what inspired this story. The town is based off of the infamous Centralia Pennsylvania where the coal mines have been burning since the 60's.
Well, let me know your thoughts if anyone gets the time.
Thanks I hope I linked it correctly. https://chooseyourstory.com/story/the-bathroom-stall
Anyway, your post was amusing enough for me to read your story when I get the time.
Thank you for your time.
Ok. I don't think I'm nearly as good or qualified as EndMaster but I'll give this a shot.
The first thing I noticed was that on the first page there are a couple words that don't need apostrophes. There are also double spaces throughout the whole story. I feel like the whole last paragraph of the first page should be reworded. This sentence in particular is a huge run-on.
I had to decide between cleaning the bathroom before school which meant getting up at 4am and going to the school alone while it was still dark, or going after school as the sun was setting.
You consistently use the alternative word thru. This should not be used unless you are portraying a text message. You also overuse commas where there could or should be two full sentences. Watch out for that.
After sifting through the grammar, I think it's time for the story itself. I think the concept of the story is interesting. I love the setting. Centralia, PA is an area that is close to my childhood and some of my best memories. I may be a bit biased in the setting department but everything else should be relatively safe. The description to speed formula will never be a perfect answer, simply because of preference. I enjoy when a story is more descriptive than fast, building the world around me and immersing me in the story completely. Some people may prefer the simplicity and bareness of " You are in a bathroom stall. open the door or stay inside". I think that the story could use a bit more descriptively. I think the school wings should be described better than they were.
Lastly I will say that I am by no means a professional writer or editor by any means. I mostly picked up how a story flows by reading a lot and paying attention in English class. Take what I wrote with a grain of salt. Hopefully EndMaster will have a more in-depth analysis. I hope that you do not give up on this story and publish it when it is ready.
Actually with your analysis I just realized I don't need to bother. Thanks!
Thank you. You were very helpful. You covered everything I was concerned about. Visual cues are an issue but Grammer itself, I struggle with. You pointed out things I was not aware of and I learned from the information you provided. I would love hearing about your neck of the woods. Centralia is fascinating to me. It's sad that it happened but the fact that the town has to be evacuated and people lived in it for a time with the mines burning is interesting. Thank you again. You helped a great deal.
I usually get warning bells when a story-game has bathroom in its title. So why does this teenager want to clean gross public bathrooms now?
Valid point. It lacks dimension or logic without a backstory behind why she is cleaning the bathrooms.