Abgeofriends, The Contributor
Hello, Im a creator. You can find me lurking in the forums occasionally posting, and commenting on story games. My best friend is star girl, and we even have our own story game (Graveyard of empires) we currently need four more ratings for an average rating score. so check it out if you would like, we are going to expand the story after we get more feedback. Feel free to comment!
I recently read Eternal, I highly recommend it.
Graveyard of empires will be unpublished this week, We are adding pages into It. Including a secrete Mission that my friend star girl will be putting it, The new update will include more pages on the kid path, Mostly on the street path, but One or two pages on the orphanage path, The soldier path will most likely re-done. Meaning that we will delete most of the pages to add on less rushed and more realistic ones. The extras path will most likely stay the same, A ending scale will be added to every ending page. And death will be on every death page. We hope to expand the story by 25%, and add 50-100 words more on each page.
"Don't be afraid," said your mother. Blood formed beads on her face and her tears formed pools of agony. The image of war, the sudden urge to kill, has never been so potent. This is a story that informs you that not all stories have a happy ending. Based in Afghanistan, story created for Endmaster's culture clash contest, and we intend to expand the story after that is over.
We apologize for the bad grammar, we ran out time to proofread. Feel free to tear it apart and we hope you have fun reading it! (For fun you can try to guess which parts stargirl wrote and which parts Abgeofriends wrote)
You get stuck in an alternate time loop, were you keep doing things over and over. can you break the mysterious time loop. If you are wondering what the heck a time loop is, Read to see.
Recent PostsDarius' drawing board. YOU SAY I DRAW on 1/24/2022 9:17:50 PM
oh my bad, wont happen again.
Darius' drawing board. YOU SAY I DRAW on 1/24/2022 6:44:14 PM
Yas queen I love it! ty
Darius' drawing board. YOU SAY I DRAW on 1/24/2022 3:02:40 PM
Do you think that you could make me a profile picture?
I can understand if you cant but just in case I will give a reference.
Darius' drawing board. YOU SAY I DRAW on 1/22/2022 10:02:06 PM
Yes indeed, a masterpeice among all memes.
Advice anyone? on 1/22/2022 7:07:35 AM
Instead of "I" you could use another word that describes the situation. For instance "I Practically throw it over my shoulder" you could say " Practically throwing it over my shoulder", It sounds rushed when you constantly use "i" all the time so If you can use a subsitute word that still has the same, or relative to the same meaning.
The paragraphs were very long, you need to break up the wall of text, because It can keep the reader more interested, I'm sure The "reader" would like there eyes to have a break.
Some words did not make sense in the context. If you went over it ( And maybe read it out loud so you can hear and see it) Then I'm almost positive that you could find easy mistakes and spelling errors. What I always do when Im writing is start reading the paragraph back word, If you do this your brain wont recognize the order of the text you just wrote. It can allow you to see more in your own writing without your brain being like "same old,same old" . That way you can catch mistakes, and be able to fix them.
Not enough detail, I was slightly confused when I landed in a doughnut shop when I thought I was at the school. The detail could use a bit of work, Example: " I get out thought the door and go over to the bus to take a small breather" Instead of that you could say... " I barely squeezed through the shool doors, after than you slowly jotted over alongside the parked busses to catch a breather". The same thing, but now we know that the busses are not moving, and how you got over to the busses, and what door you came from.
Misused words, This Is what I also struggle with but in some cases It's better to have the simpler word than one that does not fit the context as well. Im sure If you made a read through you could find what I'm talking about.
Overall, the story was okay. I am no professional writer, But after you practice writing you can get a sense of what your strong suits are, (Like different genres). The story by itself was average, but I'm very sure that this story could be improved from that. I like the realism and how I could imagine myself in a school hallway.
I really hope this helps your writing, happy writing!!!
Raping Thingy on 1/21/2022 9:13:36 PM
Thats not how you spell "You".
Raping Thingy on 1/21/2022 9:10:48 PM
lol you spelled rhyming wrong.
Ebon’s duels (welcome to the Agreena): on 1/21/2022 9:10:34 PM
Ok yall, I will stop being a spammer.
Raping Thingy on 1/21/2022 9:09:54 PM
Yea, I agree his raps are too weird.
But their funny so I spit out my water
Ebon’s duels (welcome to the Agreena): on 1/21/2022 9:08:24 PM
Your "Nevermind" Is capitalized my is not