A general guide to character creation, and tips tailored specifically for characterization in an interactive format.

Use this system to code flexible battle sequences using items, link options, and player stats.

How to create a system that will keep track of which item a player has equipped into a specific slot, such as having a "sword" in a "weapon" slot.

Story A:

Specific notes:
- Is MOM capitalized like that on purpose?
- Mom announcing another late night is a bit repetitive. She can just read the display and sigh, and then explain why in the next line.
- Not the most gripping beginning but I’ve seen a lot worse. Solid B /B+.
- I’ve been confused about who’s speaking to whom and what all the different names are a few times. Implications of the dialogue sometimes take a minute to work out. I like what you’re doing with showing rather than telling and letting the reader pick up on the cues, but I think it needs to be just a little clearer.
- The sentence flow is overall decent, but there’s a number of places where the focus changes unexpectedly and it’s slightly jarring. Reading carefully (possibly out loud) with an eye on flow could fix this.
- Good work building up the characters’ routine & relationship quickly.
- I like the descriptive detail of rudolph attending the birth of christ.
- You jump a bit between distant and close 3rd person narration. It’s strongest when you’re using close, like when Tabby is watching the helicopters. It comes across well as us seeing through her eyes without the need for distracting framing clauses.
- I like using the christmas lights to signal the power outage. Good working with the prompt.
- You repeat unnecessary details occasionally: we can tell it’s less than a minute later, and we remember that the hospital is where Tabby’s Mom is.
- It was a bit odd to jump from weird lights in the sky to “the rest of the ride there”. I wanted to see Tabby’s reaction to all this weird stuff. The attempt to call the Mom is good, resecuring her helmet is a good detail.
- As a whole: You have a number of really good descriptive details that you use to set the mood, and they’re undercut by your use of general blunt descriptors. The sliding doors that won’t open & musing about the fate of the patients is great; labeling the hospital as “eerily dark” feels too blunt.
- “In the dark she nearly tripped on the first body.” This is a pretty good delivery of the surprise. A lot of times people make the mistake of using a word like “suddenly” that cues the reader into the fact that a surprise is coming; but here you preface it with a scene descriptor that’s forboding, but not a spoiler, preserving the impact of the next line. And paired with the paragraph before it, we get the impression Tabby has been jarred out of her thoughts. Kudos.
- Hah I like the thermos being used here. Also the guy falling into the elevator shaft feels just like a scene out of a movie.
- Solidly adequate fight scene. B/B+. You’re doing a lot right. I recommend focusing less on the exact choreography of the bag hitting exactly where; this scene is important for its emotional grippyness & plot impact; not its technical accuracy.
- Lol, “I, uh, brought your shake.”
- Aliens woo! Assumed as much from the lights.
- Well the ending’s a bit rushed, but this is a decent spot to wrap it up actually.

So this is good. The language isn’t the most polished, but this story is doing a lot of cool things very well:
- The plot is well-chosen & exciting.
- Visually & descriptively interesting. The setpieces you use feel like a movie scene, and you generally pick interesting details to characterize them.
- You open with a scene that characterizes the relationship that will define the stakes of the story (Tabby & Mom’s relationship) while also giving her a mission that gets her involved in the plot (deliver the thermos). Good stuff.

What would take this to the next level:
- Polishing up the language. I’ve talked about this already. Careful attention to scentence flow would really bring this to its fullest potential.
- I would say ‘more focus on character’ but I think your focus on character was actually pretty good, and it only feels distant because of the language issues. The Mom & kid aren’t jaw-droppingly interesting or notable, but that’s appropriate for a story this short. Bringing out a few more details or idiosyncracies would go a long way. The Mom’s workaholism and weird thermos concoction were good examples of details like this; tightening up the sentence structure would probably make the good start you already have come out even more.


STORY B:

Specific notes:
- Excellent characterization in just the opening line—Tiana running somewhere with a purpose, while Grant is lagging behind distracted by the sky.
- Arghhh I hate having to read written-out accents and stutters. I suppose this is plot-important at least. The summary of Tiana & Grant’s history doesn’t distract and quickly communicates all the information needed.
- I’m pretty sure “she never brought herself” should be “she could never bring herself” but who knows.
- Again the description of the arcade owner very efficiently characterizes him.
- Hm, the shift to menacing in the arcade lights doesn’t really work without an immediate follow up, or a clear sense of why Tiana is seeing it that way.
- Solid dialogue.
- Oh I assume this must be an ongoing sore spot if Tiana is jumping straight to attack here? Feels a bit like overkill. But we’ve already established her as directed personality & trying to supress her mood, so I can get by it. And it provides a nice conflict as the power outage starts anyways.
- I also like setting this outage in the arcade—much like the christmas lights in the last story, it’s a great contrast. And I like the descriptor “thick darkness”.
- I like the 4 words from Tiana’s father. Characterizes them both, and raises interesting questions. I also like the description of how Tiana behaves under pressure, good characterization.
- Woo, zombies! Or… whatever the fuck that is.
- The fight scene in this story succeeds where the one in the last story almost succeeded. The emphasis is on sensation and impact instead of exact choreography. The reader’s brain fills in the details, and the important information gets across.
- “Carried out whatever the intentions…” this is the first clunky sentence I’ve seen in the story. It only stands out because the rest is so smooth. “The monster who was once mr williams” is a good descriptor, but it’s long, so it works best standing alone. Repeating it as a label is a bit distracting.
- I like the detail of Williams screaming in 3 different pitches.
- Oh hell yeah our 4 words are back. That was good 2-minute forshadowing, and it’s a great way to pace out the fight scene.
- Lol Charlotte was just standing there.
- “It seemed to her like something shifted in her soul, and she disliked what she felt... ” I see what you’re going for here, but I think you can do better. Words like “seemed” and “like” and “felt as if” distance the reader from what should be a more intense moment. But it still works.
- I like “beautiful and harmonious screaming”
- Having Tiana describe this with a reference to “Hyth Bo’orkki” is an effective way of showing that the book has affected her too.
- I like the lights coming back on and illuminating the carnage.

So this is excellent; off the top of my head it might be my favorite thing I've read in a thunderdome (though I admittedly have not been the most consistent thunderdome reader). It’s firing on pretty much all cylinders. Kudos.
I really like the efficiency of information delivery in this story. The characterization, , and summaries are all quick and effective. The reader doesn’t have to stop and pick up background information—it’s smoothly slotted into the experience.
The sentence structure wasn't perfect or anything, but I don't have anything consistent to gripe about. It was overally pretty solid. There were some hiccups here and there.
The characterization is also a strength. In the first part of the story, we get a very clear sense of Tiana’s personality, and this only becomes clearer and more interesting as the story progresses. I was invested in the chief relationship too—both principle characters were interesting and likeable and I would read more about them.
The action was well written, and the mystery of the book is interesting too. I want to find out what happens next. If this was a book, I would be reading the next chapter.

SUMMARY: Story A shows a lot of potential, but Story B delivered. Story B wins my vote. They were both great entries though—I can think of several past thunderdomes Story A would have won.

Actually in that particular case it was two bad options--I would have preferred to maroon & eliminate Ace, but I had Ace's attorney alabaster card in my hand, so he was the only person I could guess and guarantee that no one would have a card to disprove it. That way I could be 100% sure I had the right weapon and room. Which worked, but unfortunately summoned him back to the parlor room, but I couldn't avoid that :(. But yeah it was a risky move since it totally isolated you in the newbie central (Sorry about that!)

This was a lot of fun! Thanks to MHD for hosting--the artwork was all beautiful, and the house rules added several fun twists to the game! Hope to play again!

Congrats to Ace on the victory! (And apologies for repeatedly targeting you lol, but if anything you proved my worries were deserved.)

And congrats to the whole group on the teamwork--y'all made it really difficult to isolate anyone and get to the right room in the home stretch.

Thanks for running this to Mystic and RK and thanks for the writeup! This was a fun activity, and the speculation was fun! Having gotten a feel for the rules, there's a number of things I'd do differently if I were playing again, so let's dump this in with the rest of the advice:

• Shaming myself the first round was dumb, since that made it easy for people to guess who I was.
• I really should have paid better attention to the forums on day 2--I would have vocally opposed voting out Milton if I'd been aware it was going on, but I was busy with real life things. Oops.
• Shaming MHD when I suspected her of being a troll was kind of dumb, since it protected her from others' abilities at the same time it prevented her from using her own.