New Kids, Old Kids, So Many Kids, in School!

“The sun peeks through the window and says “hello.””
This sentence would be much better formatted as this:
The sun’s rays peek through the window, as if saying hello.
This way, the sentence says that the rays of the sun are doing the action instead of the sun itself, and it replaces the dialogue for personification. You should only use dialogue if a character is trying to communicate either by voice or written words, or is thinking or speaking to themselves.
“You wake up to the sound of birds chirping on the window sill.”
Why are there birds on my window sill? Why didn’t they try to fly away as soon as I got up? Why am I okay with birds sitting on my window sill?
“You brush your teeth, change into your favorite clothes, eat some bacon and eggs, and go out the door to walk to school. Which way do you take to go to school?

More details about my home and room would’ve been appreciated. What are the colors of the walls and floor? How big is it? What does my furniture look like? What is my most treasured personal item? What do I use for entertainment? Questions like these can help build with world-building and character development (Example: you say that I have lots of sports items. That must mean I like sports.) The second sentence seems a bit redundant. You already established that my intent is to walk to school, so the sentence could be rewritten into this:

Which way do you go?

“A raccoon fishes through the garbage and you see a little girl who is a few years younger than you.”

Why is a little girl right behind my house, doing nothing but eating a banana? Is she homeless? If so, adding more details such as saying her clothes are dirty and/or tattered would make this situation more believable and add a character trait. What are her motives and her reason for being there? Asking questions about why your character is at a place or doing an action can help make them more believable.

“A boy, who is a little bit older than you, runs out of the house and tosses the girl's banana on the ground.”

You’ve only mentioned one house and that’s mine, so “the house” should be “a house”.

There’s not much else to specifically critique, so here’s a summary of what I think of the rest as well as the entire storygame:

I realize this is an educational game, but fleshing out the main character by giving them more personality by showing more interactions between the characters in the story (such as interacting with the parents that never show up or more interactions with the sibling) can help kids better sympathize with the character. It’s short, and only offers basic social situations. Expanding the length by starting at the basic, which is what you have right now, then expanding into more advanced forms of social situations that delve into gray areas rather than simple black & white “bad/good” scenarios would be appreciated. For example, a friend wants to play a mean-spirited prank on a bully, and he needs your help. This is advanced because several factors and consequences can play into deciding which one to choose. If you decline, your friend might get upset, damaging your friendship. If you decline, then your friend might do it by himself, endangering him to possibly confront the bully by themself. If you accept, then it’s possible that you endanger yourself to confront the bully. Some kids may not want to do the prank because they don’t want to cause trouble. Some kids may do the prank because they feel the bully deserves it, and many more opinions and reasoning may sprout up from this scenario. This becomes even more advanced if you interact with the friend earlier and get to know them and you interact with the bully and get to know them.

What you choose doesn’t seem to matter most of the time. Even something as little as Freddy being surprised that the character continues to sit with him after teasing him would be appreciated. I understand this is an educational game, but choices should have consequences beyond the immediate, a CYOA shouldn’t be disconnected scenarios that only serve to teach children lessons, the choices should mold and bend the story and engage the child.

The writing was mostly mechanically sound, but that shouldn’t be an achievement for something so short. However, the writing is dull and not very descriptive. The best way to teach a child anything is by making that learning entertaining, by engaging the child you should build up the world better. What does the school look like? What does the classroom look like? What does the lunchroom look like? Where are these rooms in relation to one another? What are more details about how characters look? Asking questions is one way to build up a world that will entertain a child.

2/8

Hmm.. It was a good story. A clear test of morals and a test on how well you can survive in the school environment.

At the same time, it was very basic and simple. Not a lot of effort has been put into this, there were only few options, only one option on multiple pages, which kind of takes the idea of it being an adventure game if you can't decide your own fate.

Perhaps add more detail and more decisions to make?

I'll give this story a 4.

I would recommend this storygame for goody-goody kids who happen to be under the age of 5. No offence, but children that young would probably not be able to use this site properly in any case.

I always feel that this site is not meant for games like this, and that this would fit in more in, say, a children's site about bullying and related topics. On the bright side, the grammar was good and there were discussion questions that could help troubled kids or kids with problems...then again, those kids would most likely not be on this site. 4/8.

very nice indeed, teaches us of how to treat your firends.

It develops a worthy lesson, but I don't think everyone cares about the teacher's parts.

This game is a choose your own boredom

LOVE IT!

u cant really make ur own choices

Nice story! I liked the message.

What was up with the "pause to answer these questions with your teacher"? Are we all suddenly 2nd graders?

Oh wait, we are, as said in the description.

I believe this was made for school. If so, you should have just put this on sneak peek and played it yourself.