Player Comments on Planet Mopper

General Recommendation: An intriguing speculative fiction with lots of original plot ideas and characters. The game’s most distinctive section comes at the end, surrounding the narrator’s efforts in designing a new planet.
Preview: Can you, Guybrush, a lower-class citizen in the empire take advantage of the circumstances thrown your way to create a unique planet and improve your life situation?

=SPOILERS BELOW=

General notes:
This game can be divided into two distinct sections: The first half, which gives the player background information about the world, and the second half, where the player uses this information to design a planet. The first half has exclusively flavor choices, but the different pieces of information the player is exposed to color their experience in the game’s second half.
The depth and creativity of the worldbuilding is this game’s greatest strength. All of the concepts and locations are quite original and thoroughly conceived. The idea of a society structured around a competition to be deified is an intriguing concept, one that makes the player want to learn more about the history behind this competition and its origin. This game is full of intriguing concepts, but many of them are not fully explored. For example, we’re given a unique and though-provoking protagonist with original abilities, but he never has the opportunity to use those abilities in creative ways.
The protagonist’s ability ofcreating cleaning supplies is a very original and clever use of the story’s concept. Characters with unusual or “useless” powers are always a lot of fun to play or read as, because they’re forced to use their intelligene to use their powers in unconventional ways. Guybrush is used to thinking outside of the box to take advantage of his abilities, as shown when he thinks about using sulfuric acid to escape the robots. That said, I would have liked to see this original ability used more fully. Once Guybrush goes through the portal and enters the final stage of the game, there aren’t many opportunities for the player to figure out how to use these unique abilities.
The empire itself seems very oddly structured. The government is happy giving away the opportunity to become a god to citizens, and opporesses those with “useless” powers. It seems a very illogically structured system, one that surely can’t support itself. Ordinarily this might detract from immersion in the game, but as the protagonist Guybrush is adrift and lost within this confusing system, its odd structure adds to this disoriented atmosphere rather than detracting.
The second half of this game where the player designs their own planet is a unique concept for a storygame. Rather than focusing on player actions, this section is very exploratory, giving the player a wide variety of different options and outcomes. The player’s decisions really matter and have a strong impact on what happens. It feels very exploratory and fun.
There is not much unity of theme in this game. Guybrush’s goals are not thoroughly developed beyond just surviving, and the different phases of the game have very little to do with each other. It feels a bit like several related games stuck together than one complete story.

Specific notes:
-Lol, Guybrush Macporridge.
-The opening scene does a good joob of quickly establishing both the setting and the protagonist, while avoiding overwhelming the reader with details. Guybrush’s immediate situation is made clear to the reader, and several tantalizing hints about the rest of the world are dropped.
-Why would society “punish” people for being born with bad powers? That doesn’t make much sense.
-The idea of a protagonist as a lower-class god is quite amusing.
-I like the concept of the space station Divinity. It’s well-imagined.
-Red grandmother is an interesting name for the mafia.
-Seems odd that Guybrush is immediately being offered a leadership position in the mafia after showing up with the intention of pawning a severed head.
-…Corgi? THE Corgi?
-The concept of a device that can create an entire world for a person to be a god of is interesting. I’d like to learn more about the theory behind this concept, and its role in the story’s larger world.
-The passage where Guybrush runs through the portal and remembers his prior life is well written.
-I like the implication that the planet Guybrush creates is earth.
-It doesn’t seem like going through the portal with or without Emma has much of an effect on the plot, which is disappointing.
-We never learn much about Emma beyond what she tells us in her original scene.
-Lol, “You are being crushed.”

Grammar:
Some of the sentence structure issues veer on grammatical ones. There are a number of typos.
Mastery of Language:
The sentence structure is poor, distractingly so in place. This game could definiately have used another thorough readthrough with the red pen. I’d probably rate this game higher if I didn’t have to constantly re-read passages to understand inconsistent sentences structure.
There’s a certain amount of telling where showing could have been done instead, such as with describing character emotions and intentions rather than letting the reader figure them out through context and body language.
Desipte this, the game has very rich descriptive passages, which could easily be impressive and well-written with a thorough round of editing.

Mechanics & Coding:
The image at the beginning is too big for the page size. It would have been nice to see the image resized to fit the page.

Branching:
There’s a lot of branching at the end of this game surrounding how Guybrush designs his new planet, but the paths leading up to this are all quite linear. Joining the red grandmothers, selling the head, and any of your interactions with Scraps have no effect on the endgame. All of the choices in the first part of the game are purely flavor and even ones that seem like they should have further-reaching consequences don’t impact the game’s second phase.

Player Options/fair choice:
Generally good, the consequences of actions are foreshadowed.

WRITING ADVICE:
The game’s biggest issue is the poor grammar and sentences structure. It really pulls the reader out of the game and breaks immersion. Another couple rounds of proofreading could go a long way for this game.

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE:
I got the ending where you create a free planet, but nobody in the empire is interested in it and they banish you to the planet. Interestingly, I see this as a somewhat positive ending; you successfully create a planet free form the empire’s oppression that isn’t going to be conquored anytime soon. The image used also implies that it’s earth, which is neat.

CONCLUSION
A geninely unique concept for a game, taken in interesting and original directions. My complaints come from the fact that not all of the intriguing concepts have the chance to be fully explored in a satisfying way, due to the length and linearity of the game. It’s clear a lot of imagination went into this.

The author has a very vivid and creative imagination. The theme was that of God's ruling over the average Joe. The Gods were an advanced species born with gifts of creation. Those that worshipped them as Gods were not evolved or advanced enough to match the God species in any realistic way. Instead they worshipped and served, and died at the Gods whim.
There was a sporting event that would either declare the advanced life forms a God, or they would fail, die, or be mutated into monsters.
The main character was a janitor, born into the God species, but could only create cleaning products and objects.
There was a distinction in class with the top being the Gods, rejected or failed God's and the average. If I understood correctly, the average and the failed are rejected Gods were the criminal element.
I felt that the main character did not seem to learn anything that evolved them in a meaningful way. They simply changed physically. This individual was cruel, and continued to enact slavery of those he perceived as less than. It made the character seem flat and without dimensions to them. The story felt rushed a bit. The whole creation by God's was a brilliant idea. When the main character was building it's world and star, I thought it would have made it fun for the reader to have more options in it's creation. I personally would have enjoyed feeling like I had made choices that actually shaped the Gods creation a bit more.
It felt a bit superficial for the goal to become a millionaire. I felt there was a missed opportunity to build dimensions into the characters, and storyline. I sensed that the language the story was originally written wasn't English and didn't translate over well. Sometimes it was confusing. All in all, I have it a five. I do think this author has potential to write amazing stories that I would enjoy reading over and over.

This was a cool story.

It was a very imaginative and unique setting, as are some of the descriptors you used. I thought the weird fleshy fat lady was kinda funny, even though she was a total bitch lol

Another thing I liked was the poster telling Guybrush to work for the criminals. I remember you had made several and I was hoping the very unthinly veiled threat one was going to be in there but I didnt see it, liked it regardless.

I think one of my favorite parts (other then me being a character in it) was the.....WORLDBUILDING!

Literally.

The carbon planet had a cool photo, and I enjoyed the desert wasteland planet path as well as the descriptions for the lava villain planet.

Seems Guybrush and his powers would be used by others no matter what choices he made, poor guy.

The Murderbowl thing was cool. I will have to reread it to try to find Sweeping Bob. I thought in general the whole thing about the character carrying around a severed hero head was cool.

Thought the caste system was pretty interesting, the Imperial society is quite unforgiving and is full of many snobs and users, but it seemed Guybrush made a genuine friend or two on the way.

Nice to see that even a lowly janitor can make something of themself though.

A couple cons, there were some grammar and spelling mistakes in several places throughout. But you've improved so much in the past few months and I'm proud of you, keep it up!

I like this story and the general universe in general Mara. Hope to see alot more stories from you. I also admire your ability to remain consistent in your choice of story for these contests.

Planet Mopper is an expansive, intergalactic microcosm of a game about impressive powers and the ascension to godhood.

I really enjoy the concept and world Mara has created here; a universe of mary sues, an oppressive caste system, and murderous clowns. Weaving so many different elements into a short story game is impressive, and I look forward to seeing Mara improve their writing chops!

Speaking of, there are obvious areas of improvement to be had. I assume english isn't the writers first language, as there are plenty of spelling errors and typos. Despite the branching paths there are (I would argue there are three main paths to the end), these choices do not actually affect the endings. The endings themselves are customizable, but none of the previous choices matter once you get to (I call it this to minimize potential spoilers) the choke point.

Overall, the writing is superb and paints the world well. Work on ironing out spelling errors, and it'd be perfect! I am disappointed that none of the choices matter to the end sequences, and hope this isn't a pattern in the authors works.

Love it!

that was wicked fun man

The wording needs to be fixed as ideas are unclear. I like the core idea of a janitor making a planet, and the beginning is at least a bit engaging with some characterization and motives given for non-player characters, but by the end characters just don't feel fleshed out at all and the story seems to just be going through the motions to get to a quick end. As far as I read, the women are either sex objects or disgusting, which would be all right with me except the men are not likewise treated.

this is... awkward I'm 11 & this includes swearing? really? this not for kids

Lots of punctuation or grammatical errors that eventually broke my immersion. The premise is great and has much potential. I also saw several moments that sort of felt out of character. On characters, there weren't much to build them on.

This is an interesting storyline, but it was really difficult to read. There were many grammar, spelling and general structural mistakes. There were also portions that were not well transitioned and it left the reading struggling to figure out what happened.
I really did enjoy the storyline, but it needs some proofreading.

Very fun

This wasn't a bad story at at all, Mara. The premise was a very hooking one, and you have a way at making your worlds interesting experiences to just dive right into. I feel that the most important thing for a story-game is how good it's able to entertain within the world that it has established for itself. On that aspect, you've done a more than serviceable job.

There's some awkward sentence structure and dialogue at times, but it's understandable, as of course, English isn’t your first language. However, despite that, I would say that you have a nice grasp on what it means to make an enthralling choose-your-story game.

Thanks for an enjoyable read, Mara. This was worth reading through it again to rate it once more, and higher this time at that. I would say that it is quite deserved.

A very interesting story, a good amount of description and worldbuilding just like her other ones. A good, enjoyable read for people looking for a large, well built sci-fi world. Good work, Mara.

There was obviously quite a bit of creativity that went into the descriptions here. I think you are very good at world-building and lore. I also loved some of the visuals in this, which I could tell were created specifically for this game. I do think it may have been helpful to center some of the pictures.

I did find that the plot moved a bit fast in the second part of the game. I expected that if the protagonist wanted to build their own planet, they would have to win the Murderbowl. I also wish more was explained about why the main character was initially designated a lower-class citizen. I think the descriptions of some of your characters sometimes focused a lot on their physical appearance, but I would've liked to hear more about their personality.

The grammar was, for the most part, understandable, considering English is not the author's first language. The writing itself was also very atmospheric. I think the author is very good at helping the reader to create mental pictures of the events they are describing.

I really like the core concept of this game. The humble janitor, treated like trash, rises in the ranks to become a planet builder. Not only is there a great concept going for it, but there are some vivid descriptions for various characters and settings that really set the scene and tone of the story.

I've played through a couple of times. The first time I really liked the first half but struggled to understand/like what was going on in the second part. The second time I thought the first section was good (not quite as exciting as the firs,t path I'd chosen) and liked the second half better as there was more explanation and more steps to making the world, even some maps and images to go with it.

The game is not without downsides, though:
The grammar is off, quite frequently, which makes it a bit hard to understand in places. Sometimes the wrong characters speak or do something, and sometimes something would seem to be missing to make a scene make sense, so I'd have to re-read several times to try and guess what had actually happened.

There were also several 'previous game' links and one directly labeled 'Part II.' The problem, for me anyway, with anything like this is that it destroys any immersion and takes me out of the moment. In one part, there were many dialogue options that all went back with a 'previous page' link until one chose the 'correct' option. This was rather frustrating.

I also found it a bit disappointed that some choices which seemed to promise intrigue and tough decisions to come were just sort of ignored afterwards as soon as part II started. What did it matter if I had to decide to spy or not, or if I was going to get caught doing something illegal, etc., if every path was going to abruptly end once Part II began? I know the deadline would have made it hard to expand the middle section, but it would have been nice to have a bit more there.

Also, while money in building the planet was a factor (at least in my second play-through) I was never exactly told how much money I had or forced to make a tough choice between two things I wanted.

But back to the overall impression - a solid sci-fi concept, some excellent description, and the definite beginnings (if not always middles/endings) of some interesting faction and ethical dilemma plots I would love to see developed more at a later date. The planet building section (at least in my second play-through) was detailed and fun, and I could imagine a sequel game using this structure to make money building planets.

--spoilers ahead--
The story itself is engaging. I think someone already noted it, but I like that the story itself builds a world but you have the option within the story to build a world as well.
I will say the structure of it did not give you much choice except to become a god. The different ways this fate played out made it interesting. The character was also interesting. The 'bottom of the barrel' character rising to godhood and gaining the interest of a bunch of political figures when he has no idea what to do with that is a good one and I'd be interested if the story was ever expanded out.
The story had some written weaknesses. There were parts where grammar and spelling struggled, but more importantly there were passages that were hard to read. Some areas seemed to have paragraphs that were plot relevant and missing such as the route where you go home then except the job proposal then some sort of secret organization seems to contact you (There was also a repeated paragraph in the same route).
Words were in wrong places, some sentences had to be read a few times, and all that jazz. But this was on a strict time limit and you were aiming for a big idea. With that taken under consideration the story was excellent and engaging.
I hope when the contest ends you go back and clear up some of the mechanical things and maybe add a bit more!

This is a lengthy tale, not told in the best English, but elaborately imagined nonetheless. Here are some descriptive gems that I couldn't help but admiring:

___________________

"Slimemold-Hippie Lambic, better known as Slimmiers, it is the pseudo beer consumed by undesirable citizens, which it is made from Slime slugs, a giant mutant slug which feeds on nuclear waste and trash; it's not real beer, but you've never tried a real one."

I like lambic beer, but I might never look at it the same way again.

___________________

"The whole building is immaculate and clean with perfume machines creating hundreds of aromas that shifts following the beat of hologram machines and synthetic music."

Not only does the music pulsate, but so does the nose-candy.

___________________

"The woman could be better described as a piece of rancid lard with legs with titanium legs to help her carry her extensive belly, while her flaccid breasts remind you of fallen deflated bags of water."

"There is no way, that you will allow her to control your body and use you as if you were a used condom."

Appetizing!

___________________

In short, this is a trippy sci-fi story that not all will appreciate, but is worth the effort to read.

I read this a lot while proofreading, so I admittedly didn’t read it all now. This game is really funny, and is an interesting take on the prompt. The author not only creates a fantasy world, in which you are a lower class citizen that cleans up after death-battles, but they also build in a path where the character can create his own planet. It basically meets the prompt definition in two ways.

The ideas in this story are really entertaining and good. I like the authors use of Imagery and their style. They create a fun nonsense world that seems like it would fit into the palace of “Jabba the Hut” in Starwars. Things like the clown battle scenes made me laugh, and were very original. The very definition of a clown that is provided plays on the common feat of clowns, turning them into the monsters people seem to think they are. It is impressive.

Now, the obvious flaw in this game is its bad grammar and awkward sentence structure. I, admittedly, graded rather nicely if you look only at this factor. Since this is the authors second second language, and since they are improving a lot between stories, I think the entertaining concept and plot made up for the issues with the English.

The author should focus more time on making natural sounding English sentences. They also could do with looking up some common metaphors and expressions to use. In this story, some of those added to the funny take on a new world. I liked to imagine that they saying became distorted over time. I do want to point out that the author occasionally wrote a few brilliant descriptions that painted a perfect picture in my mind. For example, in the bar the main character said something like, “prostitution and gambling is common in the empire because it was legalized almost everywhere, but it still feels dirty like it is illegal.” I thought that summed up the atmosphere perfectly!

Keep writing, it is improving a lot! You do not need to worry about your creativity or storytelling too much, it is already above average. Improving your English and grammar would be the fastest way to vastly improve your stories! Your writing was understandable, but it was still a bit distracting.

This was a fun and unique game. I could tell a lot of work was put into this. The pictures were a nice touch, there were plenty of options to choose from, and the author did a good job building the atmosphere. I enjoyed the writing style and felt engaged throughout the story. If you are a sci-fi fan, I highly recommend giving this a play through.